The Ballad of the Two Hunks


(Sung to the tune of a Hank Williams song… Or whatever song you like… It don’t matter.)

There’s a mighty battle a coming and it’s well now on its way. It’ll be fought at Armageddon, and for one side, a sad sad day. The battle started way back when, many moons ago. Though there are corpses lying, two are left standing, two still aglow.

There is nothing to it really, no substance just a show. Inside they are all the same. They always argue but although, You’ll be left holding the bag with taxes you’ll have to pay. And on your “throne” with eternal woe, you’ll regret the choices you made that day.

For they’ve brushed up their packaging and made their image shine. They did it with massive budgets and marketing on TV all the time. They promised this and pledged us that but it is all just a game. For inside they’s all alike, they’s all exactly the same.

I didn’t care one way or another about that judgment day. I was a workingman, with mouths to feed and bills that I had to pay. I didn’t have time to think about it, no time to even choose. For if I did, I knew the result, whatever I did, I’d lose.

I tried to not get involved with it but fate had other ideas. My wife gave the order and, on the way, she said, "Pick up some tortillas." I shut down my International Harvester, applied a tourniquet to my neck. Hopped into my Chevy Truck and thought, “Oh! What the heck!”

When I got to my destination, I was surprised to see the line. It stretched for miles around, from the city to the harbor brine. People were pushing and a shovin’ just to get inside. The doors were jam-packed but the folks would not be denied.

I waited nearly four hours to finally get my turn. I ran to the appointed place and there to my concern, was the goal of my mission, but what I wanted was not there, not what I came looking for, it was like the shelves were completely bare.

“This is not freedom!” I shouted, but it fell on deaf ears, when out walked an official looking man to help me and allay all my fears. For in his hands he carried just the two from which I’d have to pick, I grimaced and I scowled. I knew that sooner or later either one would make me very sick.

“These are the last two!” he proclaimed smiling with all his charms. I wondered which was the lesser of two evils that man held in his arms. I spied each carefully, the two of which he held, not knowing which to pick. I knew, oh Lordy, I knew, that this just had to be some kind of sinister trick.

But my wife had given me an order, and it was my civic duty. Both were bad choices. How I longed for something of beauty. But I held my nose and made the choice of the lesser of two evils. I ask you, which is worse, eating a box of worms or a box of dead Bo weevils?

People say they’re both awful salty and dismiss them as mystery meat. But they’re approved by the US government, so you know you’re in for a special treat. On the one side’s the underdog, he’s called Country Pride. On the label for the public it says one thing, but as you know labels have all lied.

On the other’s a canned mash of something like pork, chicken, and ham. Hormel’s is there with its champion, their flagship product Spam, In the fight between good and evil, you must choose a side. So don’t forget folks, this is a battle between Hormel and Country Pride.