• Men Plan, God (and the Market) Laughs

    Email Print


    Thank goodness
    George W. Bush has decided to "do
    about the crashing stock market and credit crisis.
    The United States' cheerleader-in-chief
    has decided to hold a world economic summit with the stated purpose
    of solving the world economic crisis and "unfreezing"
    credit markets. Whew, what a relief. We can now lift the ban on
    short-selling financial stocks, for no one would be so unwise to
    short financial stocks knowing that George W. Bush and socialists
    and central planners
    from every corner of the globe are coming to the rescue.

    Mr. Bush's proactive lead, I have decided to hold my own summit
    to address and defeat another global evil, nasty, pernicious and
    unrelenting force that weighs down our every move, a force that
    ultimately reduces our lives and bodies to mere dust.
    That nagging, evil force of course is: GRAVITY.
    Gravity has forever limited my vertical leap, my ability to fly
    and nastily and very predictably causes things that I release from
    my hand to fall on the ground, often damaging them. This force affects
    Main Street as much, if not more, than Wall Street for it places
    limits on everyone's ability to throw a ball and causes every one
    of us to shrink as we age!! In short, it is a force that
    must be dealt with immediately. Our esteemed leader tells us that
    as men we are masters of this universe and that as men we have the
    power to control everything in it. The Emergency Gravity Summit
    is my small effort to follow his enlightened lead. You can certainly
    see the gravity of this problem. It is very likely that a result
    of the Emergency Gravity Summit is that we will need to unite and,
    yes, perhaps declare War on Gravity.

    Although the
    current fever-swamp Neanderthal view is that gravity is perhaps
    an unchangeable, immutable law of physics that remains somewhat
    of a mystery
    and which man can only temporarily defy (e.g. through flight, by
    jumping in the air, etc.), the purpose of the Emergency Gravity
    Summit will be to identify ways to show that this is untrue or,
    at a minimum, devise methods that will allow us to permanently defy
    the supposed "law" of gravity.

    we know that gravity does not "exist" in outer space,
    the first proposal on the Emergency Gravity Summit agenda is to
    identify ways to import the gravity-free void of outer space into
    our atmosphere. This will require a permanent worldwide "deflationary"
    policy whereby all of our atmospheric oxygen-rich air will be sucked
    out of the atmosphere and piped into outer space. Because we know
    how nature works and know that nature abhors a vacuum, gravity-fee
    outer space will necessarily fill the void. Voil, no gravity!
    If this remedy has the unfortunate effect of causing us to lose
    all of the natural oxygen in our atmosphere and kills all worldly
    animal and plant life, it will be worth it because we know that
    gravity brings everyone and everything "down" (depressing,
    isn't it?). Anyway, everyone must sacrifice if we are serious about
    fighting gravity. Furthermore, we know that humans are intelligent
    and adaptable mammals. We can chemically create oxygen in a lab
    and all wear oxygen masks if necessary. That would actually be a
    benefit because then we will be able to "control" our
    oxygen supply. To date, plants have monopolized this process. No
    plants, no monopoly, two birds with one stone.

    There are of
    course no guarantees that this will work because, as we know, there
    are plenty of planets without our prolific atmosphere and those
    planets are also mysteriously plagued
    by gravity
    . Do not, however, be influenced by the nattering
    nabobs of negativity
    who claim that the Emergency Gravity Summit
    is nothing more than a black
    . These backward, laissez faire, do nothing people do not
    understand the nature of the crisis and refuse to "believe"
    that we, as humans, have the power to control it. Do not let anyone
    say we "did nothing" to address this serious problem.
    And bring your checkbook.

    9, 2008

    Butler [send him
    ] is a Minneapolis attorney and the owner of Butler
    Liberty Law

    Email Print