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Men Plan, God (and the Market) Laughs

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Thank goodness George W. Bush has decided to "do something" about the crashing stock market and credit crisis. The United States' cheerleader-in-chief has decided to hold a world economic summit with the stated purpose of solving the world economic crisis and "unfreezing" credit markets. Whew, what a relief. We can now lift the ban on short-selling financial stocks, for no one would be so unwise to short financial stocks knowing that George W. Bush and socialists and central planners from every corner of the globe are coming to the rescue.

Following Mr. Bush's proactive lead, I have decided to hold my own summit to address and defeat another global evil, nasty, pernicious and unrelenting force that weighs down our every move, a force that ultimately reduces our lives and bodies to mere dust. That nagging, evil force of course is: GRAVITY. Gravity has forever limited my vertical leap, my ability to fly and nastily and very predictably causes things that I release from my hand to fall on the ground, often damaging them. This force affects Main Street as much, if not more, than Wall Street for it places limits on everyone's ability to throw a ball and causes every one of us to shrink as we age!! In short, it is a force that must be dealt with immediately. Our esteemed leader tells us that as men we are masters of this universe and that as men we have the power to control everything in it. The Emergency Gravity Summit is my small effort to follow his enlightened lead. You can certainly see the gravity of this problem. It is very likely that a result of the Emergency Gravity Summit is that we will need to unite and, yes, perhaps declare War on Gravity.

Although the current fever-swamp Neanderthal view is that gravity is perhaps an unchangeable, immutable law of physics that remains somewhat of a mystery and which man can only temporarily defy (e.g. through flight, by jumping in the air, etc.), the purpose of the Emergency Gravity Summit will be to identify ways to show that this is untrue or, at a minimum, devise methods that will allow us to permanently defy the supposed "law" of gravity.

Since we know that gravity does not "exist" in outer space, the first proposal on the Emergency Gravity Summit agenda is to identify ways to import the gravity-free void of outer space into our atmosphere. This will require a permanent worldwide "deflationary" policy whereby all of our atmospheric oxygen-rich air will be sucked out of the atmosphere and piped into outer space. Because we know how nature works and know that nature abhors a vacuum, gravity-fee outer space will necessarily fill the void. Voil, no gravity! If this remedy has the unfortunate effect of causing us to lose all of the natural oxygen in our atmosphere and kills all worldly animal and plant life, it will be worth it because we know that gravity brings everyone and everything "down" (depressing, isn't it?). Anyway, everyone must sacrifice if we are serious about fighting gravity. Furthermore, we know that humans are intelligent and adaptable mammals. We can chemically create oxygen in a lab and all wear oxygen masks if necessary. That would actually be a benefit because then we will be able to "control" our oxygen supply. To date, plants have monopolized this process. No plants, no monopoly, two birds with one stone.

There are of course no guarantees that this will work because, as we know, there are plenty of planets without our prolific atmosphere and those planets are also mysteriously plagued by gravity. Do not, however, be influenced by the nattering nabobs of negativity who claim that the Emergency Gravity Summit is nothing more than a black hole. These backward, laissez faire, do nothing people do not understand the nature of the crisis and refuse to "believe" that we, as humans, have the power to control it. Do not let anyone say we "did nothing" to address this serious problem. And bring your checkbook.

October 9, 2008