Will Government Bail Out Chili Mac?

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Tomorrow, After Lunch – The epic nationalization of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac is expected to cost taxpayers "between $50 billion and $500 billion" or more, say economists abandoning pocket calculators for a dartboard.

Next, Lehman Brothers sold the cow for a handful of magic beans and were allowed to collapse. But it is an election year, government’s heels are rounder than usual, so it may not be the end of the bailouts.

Both presidential candidates have responded dynamically by adopting a concerned, mature, "I’ve got gas" expression as though they are auditioning for Alka Seltzer ads, then saying that somebody needs to do, um, something.

Republican John McCain – standing for smaller government, paying debts and rugged individualism – won’t admit that the supposed remedy for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac is pure socialism, as found in those goofy little Third World countries whose legislatures vote to repeal the law of gravity, and earn most of their Gross National Product by selling postage stamps to collectors.

For Democrat Barack Obama, who has never seen a problem that cannot be solved by borrowing your Visa card, blowing a few hundred billion is probably, well, necessary. Change we need – ? because all the folding money is going to Washington.

Meanwhile, none of the candidates has dared to speak out on another crisis: Chili Mac.

Tens of millions of Americans are dependent upon Chili Mac, federally-subsidized sustenance provided through ground beef, tomato sauce, chili powder and macaroni. Kidney beans are optional. As its advocates explain, Chili Mac is the staff of life for America’s school children and prisoners, each a captive audience given little choice of menu.

Chili Mac is also essential to the lives of many unemployed and elderly who, thanks to national economic decline spurred by Washington, can no longer afford Alpo or the cheaper but crunchier, dried pet foods that are difficult to chew with dentures.

"We had to save the mortgage giants, and we are now bailing out banks that made foolish decisions if they are large enough," says an anonymous Treasury Department spokesman speaking from a disposable cell-phone. "Next," he adds, "we may need to rescue the dumb little investment companies that bought into the dumb big investment companies, then Chili Mac, the closely-related Tuna Mac, then other foodstuffs, florists, footwear, fancy ladies and other essential sectors.

"Despite Lehman, we have a precedent for bailouts," the Treasury expert continued. "Senator Obama promised a thousand-dollar check to every living American organism of Class Mammalia or higher. But President Bush started it with so-called tax rebates, where government took your money, deducted a big whack for administrative costs, went out for a few $300 lunches, and then gave some back."

There is talk on Capitol Hill of an additional federal bailout for Sallie Mae, shorthand for Sally Mae Hergesheimer of Scranton, PA: a postal worker who maxed out her credit cards buying a second-hand, double-wide mobile home and a holiday in Cancun with her boyfriend, Luke, who subsequently dumped her. There are said to be dozens of Americans in similar economic kimchi, possibly 200 million of them.

"It is very simple," the expert explains. "Government, business and individuals risk being paralyzed by debt. So we need to keep borrowing until the debt goes away."

This begs the question of why stop there? Why not just write enough government checks to make everyone as rich as Paris Hilton?

"We have not ruled it out," the Treasury expert concluded. Miss Hilton was unavailable for comment.

Reprinted from The DC Examiner with permission.

September 20, 2008