by Walter Block
New York City, N.Y. Following what NBA Commissioner David Stern has called, "one of the best drafts in recent memory," the league has come under fire from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. EEOC Commissioner Naomi Earp cited the NBAs, "blatant and unconscionable bigotry against one of Americas largest minorities the unathletic."
As a result, Earp has launched a formal investigation of the NBA, charging a litany of rights violations including, "racism, sexism, ageism, heightism, and most egregious of all, athleticism." In Earps view, the draft is only the tip of the iceberg. The makeup of the entire league will soon be placed under exhaustive governmental scrutiny.
This new legal initiative has support from all over the political spectrum. In an increasingly common joint press conference, presidential candidates Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton complained that too few New Yorkers were represented in the draft. Clinton, the wife of former President Bill Clinton was particularly outraged that "not a single solitary female was drafted for the NBA this year. Furthermore, my husband will be leading a committee to investigate why no males were allowed into the WNBA. This sexism ends here."
Lilly Putin, representative of the Little People of America, noted that the average height of the NBA draftees this year is around six feet, eight inches short. "Why cant they accommodate people who are 3’6" short, the average vertical extension of the members of my organization?" She demanded that the entire NBA draft, next year, be limited to those who are shorter than 4’5".
The League of Disabled Americans also maintains that it was a disgrace to draft such highly athletic individuals. "What about the couch potatoes of the nation? What of the disabled? Dont they deserve spots on NBA rosters, too?" The moderate LDA, however, has only demanded that half of the slots be "allotted to the athletically challenged."
The Ku Klux Klan was also livid with the NBAs "horrible discrimination against white Americans," noting that while blacks comprise only 14% of the population, they account for more than 70% of the NBA. Said former Grand Wizard David Duke, "It is time. No, it is past time to teach the NBA a lesson in egalitarianism. And who better than us to give it?"
As a result of heightened pressure Commissioner David Stern has kowtowed to the EEOC and announced some new additions to the NBA lineup this year:
- Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking will start as center for the New York Knicks. "This way," says Stern, "not only will our league experience diversity, but Cambridge will have more room for the intellectually challenged."
- Mentally disabled George Bush, fresh off of his recent impeachment, will aid in "attracting a new audience to the NBA." An audience that, " doesnt care about how their team is doing."
- Though Michael Moore will not open the season off due to the promotion of his new autobiography, FaTSO, he is excited to, "give dumb morons everywhere hope that they too can be successful in the greedy capitalist world."
- Congressman Ron Paul, known for his minority opposition to totalitarianism, will start as forward for the San Antonio Spurs. Head Coach Carlos Menger said, "Were accepting of anyone who has been discriminated, be it politically or socially."
- Finally, Rudy Giuliani, who was mayor of New York City during 9/11 was drafted so that, "Those suffering from sadism will have someone to look up to; and, Rudy Giuliani was also mayor of New York City during 9/11."
A final measure put forward by the EEOC would ban the playing of all non-government organized pick-up games. "If students want to play sports from now on," said McCain, "they will need the proper license so that we can ensure an appropriate level of diversity."