The REAL ID: A Modest Proposal


I trust the government. Completely. It doesn’t matter which Bush or which Clinton is in office. There’s really nothing that the government can do wrong. I’m convinced of that. I believe it. I place my full trust in our government leaders.

The previous paragraph is exactly why I’m not at all worried about the REAL ID, one of the fabulous provisions of the Patriot Act, an appropriately named bill if there ever was one. Both iterations of this bill passed Congress so overwhelmingly that, frankly, I have to trust that my Congressional Critters were looking out for me. They always are. That’s why I’m pleased when they vote themselves raises. They deserve every penny that I can give them, and more.

My complete and total trust of the government is also why I’m so angry at rabble-rousers like Ron Paul, who ruin everything by trying to stick with that outdated piece of paper called the United States Constitution. Besides, Paul’s a Republican. Everyone knows that Republicans are always up to no good. Except, of course, for our beloved shepherd of the free world, King Jorge, and his obedient sheep in Congress.

My total faith in the government leaves me no choice but to worry about more important things. Believe me, more important things are all over the place. If you don’t think this is true, take a look at American Idol. There’s democracy in action!

Because I’m so very, very proud of my Congressional Critters, and supportive of every carefully crafted vote that they make, and because I listen so carefully to every elegant, erudite word that King Jorge states, I can focus on matters more important to my family and me, chiefly, Britney Spears and her shaved head.

As everyone knows, Britney’s head is indeed a most important matter. The shape of it. The tattoos. Well, it’s all important, you see. What could be better for my children than their knowledge of Britney’s hair, or lack thereof? If there are strands sold on e-Bay, well, all the better. This kind of thing is so much more important than that silly biometric stuff that the government will have legal rights to place on our driver’s license come May 2008. Who cares? So what if the government wants to track us?

Maine has rejected this terrorist-stopper, the REAL ID, by the way. Other states are considering rejecting it. I say, move to a place like California! I can’t imagine our beloved Governator turning down an opportunity to track us, especially after King Arnold, a true Californian despite his birth in a foreign country, made this watchful quote: "People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." Now, ain’t it the truth? I’m so proud to say that neither North Carolina, where I’m from, nor California, where I now live, has succumbed to the backward thinking of those who worry about having a national ID. What, really, could be safer than having the government know where you are at all times?

Frankly, with the government taking care of things so easily and efficiently, Britney’s hair is what’s most important to me. Oh sure, our family updated our passports earlier this year, but it’s a mere coincidence that we narrowly avoided the microchip that our fascinating government is placing in our passports. It must be a good thing that this same wonderful government is forcing us to show those passports when we re-enter our great and free country after visiting socialist Canada and Mexico. It’s those microchipped passports, after all, that allow us to keep our freedom.

From what I’ve read, England has started tracking people via license plates. I say, bring that nifty device across the Atlantic! After all, what have I to hide? It’s great that the English can be imprisoned if they try to tamper with these tracking devices on their cars. May this kind of terrorist deterrent soon be on American soil!

I’ll happily comply when the Department of Motor Vehicles starts requiring me to bring my state-issued birth certificate and other documents to prove that I am who I say I am. Let them fingerprint me; let them scan my retina; let them take my blood and urine, or whatever. It’s all in the name of freedom, after all. Those who are lame enough to refuse this terror-stopping, freedom-oriented REAL ID will not have the right to travel via airplane or Amtrak and won’t be allowed in federal buildings. Well, good riddance, I say!

When we have true freedom, we must sacrifice our rights from time to time, right?

Some people complain that states are forced to pay millions of dollars to protect us, via the REAL ID, from terrorists. But you’ll hear no complaints from me. Those nasty terrorists could be anywhere. I’ll gladly give up more of my income to help fight them, if that’s what our leaders deem necessary. After all, our masters do know best.

Photo by Morris Vaughan

Meanwhile, I’ll keep my eyes on Britney’s head, even while she takes a well-deserved break in rehab. With our beloved government protecting us, we can turn our heads to more important matters, such as the status of Britney’s gorgeous locks, whether they are attached to her head or not. I’m so thankful for Amerika, the land of the free! It’s the only place in the world where we have the freedom to worry about the truly important things in life.