Spongebob: Both Dainty and Diabolical

"Bait and switch, a fish reference for an underwater cartoon. Clever."

~ Keith Olbermann

Now that the controversy has died down a bit, it’s time to take a long, hard look at Spongebob Squarepants and really decide for yourself: Will repeated viewing of the cartoon cause homosexual tendencies among American youth? As an expert on these sorts of matters, I’d have to say, "No!"

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that it is even worse than homosexuality. I am convinced that repeated viewing of Spongebob Squarepants could cause your child to exhibit premature Nazi-like tendencies and a strong desire to annex the Sudetenland. What I mean to say is that Spongebob Squarepants is not a homosexual as widely reported in the news, but a dishonest-to-goodness Hitler Youth!

Spongebob… Schwammkopf!?

Spongebob Schwammkopf: Homosexual or Hitler Youth? You Decide.

Spongebob Schwammkopf! That’s right. That’s what it says. Don’t believe me. See for yourself. The proof’s in the pudding. Spongebob is not a flaming poofter; he’s a Hitler Youth through and through. That homosexual stuff is just a smokescreen thrown up by those idiots in congress to try to fool us. But it won’t work. You and I are not as confused as those people are paid to be.

I know that this must all seem a bit much to those of you who have just tuned back into reality. I’ll bet some readers are thinking that yours truly must be hitting the sauce again. Well, yes, I have. But that’s never clouded my judgment in the past. I’m serious here. I now believe, and have some pretty solid evidence that Spongebob is part of the ever widening and growing international German conspiracy to try to win the war. And if you’ll just bear with me and read on, you’ll become convinced too.

I ran this story by one of my more level-headed friends a few days back… He rolled his eyes as he threw back the booklet from the Spongebob Schwammkopf CD I had just bought for my 2-year-old son… Sure he scoffs, but I can tell that he secretly wished he had a Spongebob Schwammkopf CD too as they are especially Cool & Strange.

He took a gulp of beer. "Nah, Rogers. It’s too fantastic to be true. There’s got to be a simpler explanation." He said.

Herr Patrick, left, note heavy eyebrows as well as both suspects running from a city in flames. Obvious Nazi tendencies also shown in tiny Hitlerite at top left.

Not only is this evidence pretty verdammerung. I present more indicting Spongebob’s best friend; his side-kick who is a star fish so he has no brain. Get it? In nature, real starfishes have no brains. So Patrick — a starfish and Spongebob’s best friend in the cartoon – also has no brain. It works well, you see, because that way, later on, he can claim that he was just following orders.

"Look at Patrick too and see for yourself!" I accuse, "Look carefully at Herr Patrick’s heavy eyebrows and the heavy ridge over his eyes. Sure, his name is Patrick now, but I’ll bet it was something like Heinrich Himmelfish in 1939! And the final piece of evidence that fits in perfectly… Did you know that the creator of Spongebob Squarepants, Schwammkopf, whatever… The creator of this diabolical conspiracy is a man named,… named, Stephen Hillenburg! Mein Gott in himmel, man! Creepin’ Jiminy Christmas! How many Nazi’s do you know named, Hillenburg?"

My friend starts to go quiet. He brushes his beard then looks at me like he’s kind of scared for a moment. I chuckle. Sitting with me and hearing this stuff would scare anyone.

I’ve been losing sleep over this entire thing these last few weeks. I’m telling you, Spongebob is not a homosexual but he is actually a part of the continuing Nazi conspiracy to take over the world. You’ve never seen that movie, They Saved Hitler’s Brain?"

They really did too!

"Yeah, right." He sneers and shakes his empty beer glass towards me. I have to order us both another beer. For one, my friends won’t usually listen to me unless I’m buying and; two, I can’t handle being the only person in the entire free world who knows the truth. The word must get out. If only somehow…

Not to mention that my thinking becomes even more crystal clear whenever I’m drunk and stabbing conspiracies like a dagger in the dark.

Heck, someone’s got to listen to me. I’m about to blow the lid off this entire Spongebob homosexual conspiracy thing and I fear for my safety as well as my sanity.

Let the entire world be warned: I have stumbled upon the truth behind Spongebob and worry that I may have trodden upon sacred ground. Don’t forget that Spongebob is owned by Nickleodeon which has something to do with MTV; which is owned by Viacom; which is owned by some other huge worldwide broadcasting conglomerate that is under the thumb of the Bush Whitehouse; which is all a part of Fox TV; which is all a part of some incredibly unbelievable and stupid reality TV show that has characters acting like the president and his men. Let’s face it folks, that show can’t be real. Nobody could possibly be that stupid…

But I digress.

If those people knew that I know what they know and what they are really up to, they would crush me like a grape.

The story begins a little over two years ago. That’s when my son was born. Considering that my son is a boy that means he’s male; it also follows reason that since he is male, he could conceivably become a gay male someday — at least according to government research and the Christian right. Oh what would I do if my son were to wake up from sleep someday and decide then and there that he wanted to "go gay" on me. I guess I’d be a failure as a father.

True, while all of this real-life horror show is within the realm of possibility, I have to keep a stiff upper lip to the possibilities. That’s why I drink every night.

Oh, parenthood and the irresponsibilities that go with it.

Trust that my wife and I discussed at length what we would do if my son did decide that he wanted to become gay someday. I suppose that parents nowadays have to worry about stuff like that whenever a son is born. I’ll bet my folks didn’t worry about stuff like that. I’ll bet my folks just knew that I’d grow up a good kid like Beaver Cleaver and not that rotten Eddie Haskell. Life was a heck of a lot easier when I was a little kid.

My wife and I decided that we would take the risk with our son. She stated, "It’s okay if he’s gay as long as he’s happy."

Let’s face it; there are a lot of worse things that could happen to your son than becoming gay. Heck, he could become a drug addict, a dope dealer, a rock musician; or even worse, he could grow up to become a Republican! And there are distinct advantages to having a son who is gay. For one he could probably grow up to become a priest or even a bishop. Now wouldn’t that be spiffy?

"Howdy, John, how’s your son-the-used-car-dealer-part-time-radio-DJ doing these days?…" I would say to my friend at the Lions Club. "What? Oh my son? Well he’s about to become to Bishop of Canterbury don’t you know."

No problem worrying about who has to slice the turkey and say grace at Thanksgiving anymore.

Frightening, isn’t it?

I zip back to the present time. My friend is downing the last of his beer. "Look, Rogers… You have been a worthless father. I mean, what kind of a dad actually allows his kid to watch Spongebob Squarepants? What are you, stupid? The US government has been warning people for quite a while now that repeated viewings of Spongebob leads to flaming homosexuality among schoolchildren. What cave have you been living in?"

"But Spongebob is not a homosexual!" I plead. No good. My friend is just shaking his head and laughing at me.

"What kind of a dad actually would do that to their own flesh and blood? You are one sick dude, Rogers." He sneers at me.

He’s right. I’m a failure as a father. My boy is now a hardcore Spongebob fan. Heck, I’ll admit it: me too. It looks like I’ve doomed my only son to a life of waking up someday and realizing that he’s a Hitler youth. Well, I can only hope that he’s happy with it.

Barnacle bottoms! And I was hoping for a poncy hairdresser in the family…