Blumert the Suicide Bomber

Memo From Rockwell

by Burton S. Blumert by Burton S. Blumert

Memo From: Editor Lew Rockwell To: Burt Blumert Subject: Your next assignment.

I regret to advise you, Blumert, that your article on Katrina and the tragic flooding in New Orleans is unsuitable for LRC.

Interviewing the waiters at the Mardi Gras Bar and Grille in San Francisco hardly qualifies as adequate research.

Your revisionist theory that a clique of renegade CIA agents created Katrina so that damning JFK assassination evidence would be destroyed by the rampaging floodwaters is fascinating. But naming Waldo, the bartender at the Mardi Gras as your primary source for the story also falls short as proper investigative reporting.

Incidentally, the $125 charge on your expense account for "2 rounds of drinks for Katrina’s victims at the Mardi Gras Bar" is also rejected.

This next assignment gives you a chance to regain your status as LRC’s #7 investigative reporter.

It’s predictable that people will react violently to foreign invaders on their soil, but to see them blowing themselves up as "suicide bombers" is beyond the ability of most Americans to fathom.

Who are these people that blow themselves up? How are they chosen? We need answers, Blumert. Infiltrate their organizations; sign on if you must; do whatever it takes to get us the facts.

Following is a transcription of Blumert’s interview at the Your Last Job Agency, located in the hills of Marin County.

Simon Rasputin is the Agency interviewer; Simon earned international notoriety as the Kool-Aid dispenser at the People’s Temple in Guyana.

RASPUTIN: Hello, Blumert. And thanks for using Your Last Job Agency. We are an equal opportunity, non-sectarian agency seeking qualified suicide bombers (SBs) from all walks of life, regardless of their political or religious biases.

I don’t wish to sound like an ageist but aren’t you a little old to be applying for this kind of work?

BLUMERT: Well, being old may be part of it. The current costs of dying have skyrocketed and a suicide bombing might save my estate thousands of dollars. In fact, don’t some SBs earn up to $25,000 for their family survivors?

RASPUTIN: Yes, that’s true, less, of course, our 18% agency fee.

At the risk of being rude, Blumert, may I ask why are you wearing that ridiculous, pink Lawrence of Arabia costume? Are you making some political statement, or is it left over from Halloween? (See Sheik for a Week.)

BLUMERT: No political statement intended, but there are so few occasions when I can wear it and my wife says that the flowing lines are flattering and make me look thinner.

As to the color, don’t jump to any conclusions, Buster. The tailor ran out of white and all he had left was pink. Do you have trouble with that?

RASPUTIN: Well, Excuuuuuse me! Let’s move on.

Your application is impressive, Blumert. It’s hard to imagine anyone so consistently identified with losing causes. This is a very positive indicator for us. You just may be one of those "naturals" we encounter every now and then.

Are you ready to start talking about an assignment?

BLUMERT: Not so fast. There are several things that trouble me. First, I read that the strap-on bombs are getting bigger and more powerful. Please, make a note that my bomb can’t be too heavy as I have a chronic bad back.

Can you imagine if my back went out just when I was pushing the button, or pulling the ripcord, or whatever it takes to set the thing off?

RASPUTIN: OK, OK. So noted. Now, are you ready to talk assignment?

BLUMERT: Well, let’s see. I have a dental appointment on Tuesday and on Thursday I’m scheduled for a Karate lesson. How about after Christmas?

RASPUTIN: Some of the clients we represent might be hiring extra people for the Christmas season, but I’m confident we could place you after the holidays.

BLUMERT: Now, the first reports I heard on the hotel suicide bombings in Jordan indicated that a husband and wife team were involved. I know that some employers don’t approve of hiring married couples, but it seems like a romantic idea to me.

RASPUTIN: I suppose it would be all right if we teamed the two of you up, but your wife will have to go through the same training course and don’t try to get another $25,000 out of us. It’s $25,000 per family.

BLUMERT: You just made that up. We should get at least $35,000 for the two of us.

Rasputin: All right, already. $35,000 it is. Call your wife and have her come down to sign up.

BLUMERT: Well, it’s not quite that simple. She hasn’t the foggiest notion I’m here or what we’re discussing. She might very well be against this whole thing. You know how difficult women can be sometimes.

RASPUTIN: This interview is not going well. Tell me, Blumert, what other problems would you have as a suicide bomber?

BLUMERT: For one thing, I’m crazy about animals. I’d need total assurance that not a hair on any kitty or doggy would be hurt.

Also, the world does not have enough music. It certainly wouldn’t be a big deal to have any musicians discreetly removed from the scene before I set the thing off.

RASPUTIN: I’m certain that somewhere, someone would be happy to see you become a suicide bomber, Blumert, even if you are the only casualty. I’ll give some thought to locating such a client. In the meanwhile, as they say, "Don’t call us. We’ll call you.