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Grim Fairy Tales for a Modern American Socialist Empire

Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.

One lived in a house of straw, one lived in a house of logs, and the smartest one lived in a house constructed of brick.

One day a wolf came to the first pig’s house that was made of straw and said, “Open the door or I’ll puff and puff and blow your house down.” The pig refused the trespassing wolf and the wolf blew his house down.

The wolf then went to the second pig’s house that was made of wood and said, “Open the door or I’ll puff and puff and blow your house down.” The second pig too refused the trespassing wolf and the wolf blew his house down.

The wolf then went to the third pig’s house that was made of brick and said, “Open the door or I’ll puff and puff and blow your house down.” The third pig also refused the trespassing wolf and the wolf blew with all his might, but he couldn’t blow the house down.

Finally, the wolf gave up. In the meantime, his “Good ‘ol boy” connections at City Hall had found that none of the three pigs had ever filed for a construction permit and so they were all arrested and charged with building without a permit, using non-union workers, endangering public safety, disturbing the public, resisting arrest, assaulting a police-officer, as well as tax evasion for not claiming estate taxes.

The penalty is a $25,000 fine and a minimum of 10—25 years in jail.

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon.

Hell, sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Much better than spending a gazillion trillion dollars on sending a shopping cart to Mars to see if they have any water.

The Story of Aladdin

Our story begins in the Arabian desert where there is a beautiful princess named Jasmine. One day she meets a young man with whom she falls deeply in love with and wishes to marry.

The handsome young man’s name is Aladdin and even though he works selling vegetables in the marketplace, he is rounded up in a sweep by the US army and sent to Abu Ghraib. There he is tortured, electrocuted, and beaten senselessly. His family keeps trying but they can get no information on whether or not he is still alive.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner. Because his public school teacher was ill-equipped to handle a child with such a high I.Q. So they said he was A.D.D. and prescribed Ritalin ‘Cause they didn’t know what else to do.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown which was pleasurable compared to what happened to Jill who was shot in the face at point blank range by Israeli IDF forces. The Israeli soldier who killed her was exonerated in court as they ruled he acted in self-defense.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy got D.U. poisoning in Iraq and wasn’t getting jack in compensation from the US government, was he?

Aladdin’s Magic Carpet

There once was a young man named Aladdin who rode a magic carpet with his pet monkey. Well, you just know that this has just got to be illegal somehow, so he gets stopped by the Highway Patrol who arrests his ass and send him to Guantanamo simply because he has a Middle-Eastern name.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men Couldn’t defeat a rag-tag bunch of ill-funded insurgents, So we’ve killed or crippled over 20,000 young American women and men.