Bass Boats for Bali

“We are the world, we are the children, And it’s gonna be a better day for you and me, We are the world, we are the children, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”

~ C.W.R.S. (Crappy washed-up rock stars)

Well everyone knows about the tsunami disaster and the superlative support that all the nations of the world are giving. It’s wonderful to see folks putting aside their differences and competing to see who can help out their fellow man the most. Isn’t that special? Well it seems like this Christmas season is going into extra innings — or over-time depending on your preferences. Oh me!

I also read where our good hearted and generous Mr. President has asked us all to pitch in and he personally gave $10,000 U.S. dollars to the tsunami victims. What a wonderful man. But I’m afraid he may have committed a slight Miss Manners faux pas in this situation because, well, from what I hear all the boutiques and designer handbag shops — both large and small — on Puntang Island will be closed for the foreseeable future.

What a shame. But you can’t really blame the poor man for having his heart in the right place.

Another generous super trooper on my charity screen really is a trooper! Her name is Capt. Gabriella Cook and she is taking up donations for starving dogs (cats too, I’m sure) in Iraq. The magnanimous Captain was recently quoted as saying that the dogs in Iraq, “Live off scraps and garbage!” Heaven forbid! Can you believe it?

“Well we just can’t have our little friskie whiskums eating nasty food out of the garbage can, now can we? No! That would be bad. That would be baaaaad. Because he’s such a good little boy. He’s such a good little boy. Yeah. He’s a good little boy. He’s daddy’s favorite little boy. Aren’t you? Yeah! A good little boy… Daddy’s little boy! Want a cheesy treat? Here’s a cheesy treat. Now go back into the yard cause daddy has to finish writing this article for these nice people. Yeah. Daddy wuvs you too…

“Honey! Can you open the door and let the dog out?”

Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was watching BBC news yesterday and in India, fishermen were reported as saying that they don’t want their old boats repaired or their old engines fixed. They just want the money. And frankly speaking who can blame them? Have you seen some of those atrocious looking “boats” that they have to dock at the marina? I wouldn’t be caught dead seen near one of those. Especially after I’d received the $10,000 for a fine new custom tailor-made 3 piece suit. I mean, really. Everyone knows that when you look good, you feel good and that’s why we all have to pitch in and help these folks clean up a bit.

Because, frankly speaking, the place is such a mess now, they are embarrassed to have anyone over.

So instead of just throwing money at the problem, I have made up a short catalogue of items that you can buy for the tsunami victims or for just about any occasion. Whether it be a tsunami, an earthquake, an Aids explosion, mass starvation, Ebola Virus, the Bubonic plague or even locusts, the items I have lined up for you today can be saved and proudly given to the needy during this or the next popular crisis.

Because like I said, when you look good, you feel good; when you look great, you feel great!

First off, let’s help out those poor fishermen with their “boating boo-boo.”

Now what man wouldn’t feel like the Admiral Viscount Horatio Nelson in this beautiful and sleek 86-foot long open sea beauty? Includes dining room for 8, kitchen, wet bar, game room, weather radar, GPS locator and fish finder, sun deck; as well as sleeping quarters for six and a captains’ quarters!

No “Mutiny on the Bounty” when you are cruising the high seas in search of the days’ catch or just a day out for a leisurely spin — or even a quick jaunt out to the islands to watch a sunset on this ocean-going dream. Whether you are into trolling for Marlin or Blue-fin tuna, this 12,600 horsepower diesel-fueled twin engine has the speed and power to get you where you want to go and fast! And scuba divers will find the rear landing ramp a breeze to use. My, this ship is a ship that any fisherman, or any dad, would just love to have. And at only $987,000 it can be yours to give or take home until the next coming of apocalypse.

Girls not included

Okay, let’s say that the yacht is not exactly what you are looking for to spruce up the life of that special South-East Asian Fisherman whose annual income is about $147 dollars — Let’s not forget, we’d hate to embarrass the man by having him stand out due to his ostentatious taste and gaudiness. Well, how about something a little more personal?

This spiffy 14.1 foot Trackeru2122 Bass Boat is just perfect for father and son to get out into those coves and under those over-hanging guava vine trees to where those large and small mouthed Bass lunkers just love to hang out. This Trackeru2122 Bass Boat is designed with the serious Bass fisher in mind and easy to haul, light — yet incredibly durable — and comes complete with a 100% 5 year warranty. The Trackeru2122 SUPER GUIDEu2122 V-14 Bass Boat: It’s every Bass fisherman’s dream come true! For more information and a look at the entire Trackeru2122 sport-fishing boat catalogue and prices, visit our on-line shop at: (Engine and seat-covering pads not included).

“Yes Mike, but what about the beach areas that were destroyed? You did mention that those places are a mess and the people are embarrassed to have anyone over. How can I help them?” I’m glad you asked. I’ve been saving that area up for last. Let’s face it, it’s bad enough having to clean up after a weekend barbecue with a few friends, let alone having a 250-foot high wave traveling at 400 miles per hour going through your back patio. So how can you help by making clean up just a tad bit more enjoyable?

Well, take a look at what’s behind curtain number two as you or your Papa-Tung Beach front property owning new friend could be riding this Yard-Man 42-Inch AutoDrive Lawn Tractor!

This Autodrive lawn tractor is powered by a 20 Horse-Power Briggs & Stratton twin engine, providing maximum power for the most demanding lawn care needs. The 42-inch cutting deck is 3-in-1 capable for mulching (mulch kit included), side discharge (standard) and bagging. (bag is optional) The 6-position fender-mounted deck adjustment offers easy, convenient operation. The cutting deck height can be adjusted from 1-1/4 to 4 inches. Our Autodrive transmission is engineered to drive like a car with smooth, clutch-free, foot-pedal control and infinite speed adjustment. Cruise control is available for larger lawns. There’s even a cup holder for your favorite beverage!

And don’t forget that no one likes having dirt and mud tracked into their huts and homes so that’s why anyone would be proud to clean up using this brand new handheld rechargeable Black & Decker CHV1400 14.4-Volt Cyclonic DustBuster! Wow! Oh! Wow! Oh! Ooooh!

Strong enough, yet light enough to get all that dirt out of those nasty crooks and crannies! You’ll be the "Queen of the House" or village when you clean up with this sturdy Dustbuster! There’s no need to worry if vacuum bags in Asia will fit or not — This Black and Decker Dust-Buster is Cyclonic so it never needs vacuum bags. And its rechargeable batteries will give a lifetime of service! And it’s on sale just in time for the tsunami season at only $39.99 (International power-converter with case and users manual sold separately at $757.00 each).

And finally, to help out our heroic Capt. Gabriella Cook to feed the dogs of Iraq, here’s something really special from the heart and home. You know, there’s an old saying that we should never forget in trying times like these, I think it goes something like this:

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Let a man win the Lottery and he’ll eat and drink himself to death within a year.”

Wise words.

So let’s all help out our thoughtful Captain Cook — Captain Cook!? — By sending her a special kit that I found that would be just perfect for this occasion!

It’s a Dogplaceu2122 Dog Biscuit Kit! Peanut Butter flavor that includes mix, cutter and storage tin. Let me tell you my little snookie ookums just loves these even more than the cheesy treats! If you want to get your dog to do all the tricks in front of the neighbors than this is the dog biscuit kit for you. I especially enjoy this because I get to make the dog treats myself so I can be sure of what’s going into my dogs mouth. Because I care about my pet’s good health. After all, when you really think about it, isn’t your dog just like one of the family? Mine is. Hell, I even let him use my toothbrush.

So let’s all pitch in by helping Captain Cook to help herself and her dogs to some of the most scrum-dilly-icious Peanut Butter flavored dog biscuits you or I have ever eaten. Price: $10.00 (Butter and baking pan sold separately).

Well, that’s it for me once again. I’ve done my share by helping you to do yours. Remember that other famous saying — how does it go?

“God helps those who help themselves. And sends the rest of you cheap bastards to hell.”

But, finally on a serious note, help out if you can. And if you can, think about what you are doing and how best to do it. Individuals can help if we do it wisely. Investigate charities and how they utilize money given to them. Most of these South-East Asian victims are Catholic, Buddhist, Muslim or Hindu — you don’t have to be any of those to give to their churches. Don’t give your money to a church or a political organization that will use your money to further their political or religious agenda. It has been my experience that the local disaster-area churches are very good at these kinds of relief efforts. The U.N. or the federal government? No. They are doing basically what I have listed above and using your tax money to do it.

Needy people and victims do need help. But they don’t need your tax money being given to the people who ultimately tax those very same needy people and victims — or use your money to further their aims. If you want to do that, then I’d recommend the dog biscuits.