Now the “water cooler” talk is all about the FCC giving us permission to use our cell phones whilst winging our way across the Fruited Plain.
Let’s think – as opposed to “feel” – about this…
First, doesn’t it strike you as a tad condescending our Public Servants are cast – or cast themselves – as “granting permission” to us to exercise various legal activities, like talking on a phone? If you had a maid, would you ask her permission to make yourself a sandwich? Would you ask your gardener if he would permit you to ride the lawnmower?
So far, the rhetoric has been how irritating on-board cell phone conversations would be to fellow passengers. While a case might be made against People Speaking Loudly On Cell Phones (in any venue), the same could be said for inconsiderate jerks speaking overly loud to a traveling companion – or the new Best Friend across the aisle. Wanna hear about the 3 teenage brats behind me who fairly yelled at each another for 3-plus hours from BWI to DFW – despite admonitions from the flight attendant? Personally, I’d prefer eavesdropping on one side of a phone conversation. Who knows? I could write about it here and we could all speculate what was happening at the other end!
And let’s not overlook the fact that some flights already have phones available, cleverly cradled in the back of the seat in front of you. Not having an EE degree, I can only imagine those phones are rigged to absolutely prevent any possible interference with the important stuff in the cockpit. Of course, the rates to use those phones are also at an altitude higher than the plane itself which is the only reason on-board yapping hasn’t already reached the epidemic proportions forecast by the nay-sayers, worry-warts and terminally intolerant.
But if the potential for irksome cell phone conversations still has your panties in a wad, let’s talk about the ever-present In-Flight Screaming Baby. Anyone who has been trapped on anything smaller than a 747 with some un-Midasized ankle-biter knows the thrill of which I type. Eustacean problems among the tiny notwithstanding, passengers traveling with children under the age of 21 should be confined to the back of the plane. Non-kid toting travelers would be given fair warning at check-in should their seat be on The Borderline and offered an alternative: a distant seat or those highly touted Bose noise-blocking headphones (at no extra charge). Personally, I’ve long believed some entrepreneur could make a tidy bundle establishing “No Kids Airlines – with daily service to the top 20 markets.” I’d pay whatever the fare to be guaranteed a seat on a screamless flight.
Interestingly, the ubiquitous “surveys” have shown no one has a problem with the FCC’s other recently issued “permission slip”: in-flight wireless computer usage. This is hailed as “productive” and “pleasurable,” to while away the flight time rather than suffering through a B-grade movie – even for free. Just wait until some mini-geeks fire up their laptops with the new “Mega-Blaster Brain Dissolver Sound Card” and attempt to break the world record for Grand Theft Auto XXVL or check out the latest rap “tunes” by Jabberwocky and the Slithy Toves.
Now tell me how much you hate cell phone conversation.
One final thought: Where is it written that anyone has an inalienable right to silence? Freedom has and will always be a little messy for some. No airline ever suggested their flights cruised through a library atmosphere. Why would anyone expect otherwise? There are several alternatives to bothersome cell phoners other than putting another bullet in the foot of individual freeedom. Why are we always in such a rush to create another “law," “rule” or “regulation” that forces others to give up a measure of their freedom to accommodate our personal preferences – or intolerance?
For those who want to lose some sleep over this issue, consider this pearl from James Bovard’s The Bush Betrayal (Palgrave Macmillan): “In lieu of permitting pilots to arm themselves, the Bush administration authorized military jets to shoot down hijacked airplanes anywhere over the United States. The TSA also considered creating a toll-free phone number that passengers could call when their planes have been hijacked – and perhaps thereby expedite the shoot-down." Conclusion: Your government may not allow you to phone home – but you may be able to scramble a squadron of F16’s and guarantee you’re untimely demise will be the lead story on the Evening News.
Our Servants are still studying the only relevant issue in all this blather: do cell phones hamper the safe operation of the aircraft? If the Wizards of Ohms conclude those little transmitters do not represent a safety hazard, then ridiculous nanny regulations should be dropped immediately; freedom of expression can then be exercised and enjoyed at 60,000 feet. Don’t like it? Call Amtrak and reserve a seat in the Quiet Car.
December 22, 2004
