The Incredible Presidential Hulk

When it came to this President Bush guy, I had what I liked to refer to as a, “unsure contradictory ambivalent love-hate” relationship with him. I mean, I really disliked him with a pseudo-passion. But now, I can see the error of my ways. I can now see why all those good folks in the USA just love the man. I love how he stands up for America and American values. He’s a “can do” kind of guy. I like that. So do most Americans.

Take for example, how he single-handedly rescued one of his own body-guards from a mle in Chile! Kind of like a scene from Rocky! George was just like Captain America! Or some super-hero!

“Watch out! Don’t get his blood boiling or he might turn into the….Mighty Hulk!”

“Me no like guardman no get in!” Thump! Thump! Thump!

Artists rendition of Mr. & Mrs. American President

Never mind the fact that actually George Bush did not “jump into the fray and wrestle his bodyguard to safety,” like it was reported in the US mass media. That’s not what happened. I saw it — you saw it too.

What happened was is that after Bush had already entered the building with Mrs. Bush, and the doors had closed, his bodyguard was stopped from entering — maybe he didn’t have a “Guest-Pass." So a fight broke out outside of the building as he tried to gate-crash.

It was kind of like when someone tries to crash a party when they are not invited or someone tries to get into a rock concert when their name is not on the guest list — the bouncers will throw them out. That’s their job.

Bush lands a crisp right hand upper-cut to the jaw of a Chilean cop.

When his bodyguard couldn’t get in the door, Bush — who was already inside — went back to the door, opened it, and was blocked from going out by the backs of some huge Chilean police — maybe Bush couldn’t go back out because his hand wasn’t stamped or something. The only thing Bush did do to “rescue” his guy was point his finger at him and yell something like:

“Let him in. He’s on the ‘Guest List.'”

That’s what happened. Everyone saw it, but the America newspapers proclaimed: “George Kicks Chilean Butt!” Right on! Don’t take no gruff from those Mexicans! These are the kinds of headlines that America wants to see. It’s these kinds of headlines that sell more newspapers.

Sorry if I burst your bubble.

But let’s not let our communist tendencies poo-poo the efforts of the mass media simply because they want to sell more newspapers. No! We must retain, in-spite of everything, our clear-headed thinking: Thank God president Bush was re-elected president in a fair and free election. We’d certainly hate to have some problems like they are having in the Ukraine with their corrupt, so-called “Democratic” political system.

Aren’t those Ukrainians just miserable? I mean, just how hard could it be to have a fair election? Those infantile Slavs think their election was stolen, so they actually have the gall to hold protests and massive rallies around their own government office buildings!? Those undomesticated savages.

Thank God that Americans are more well-mannered and trained so that if the government does do “their business” on the living room rug, you don’t see Americans tugging and pulling on their choke-collar in protest and getting shot at and killed in some useless demonstration against their benevolent and loving protector. No siree! America is the Land of the Brave and the Home of the Free. Just keep eating the Alpo and repeating the mantra so you don’t you ever forget that.

As for me, I can now, finally, see the light. Yes. I agree with the War on Terror! I know I might be a little slow in getting on the bus, like a lot of you folks in the good old USA, but now I find myself in complete agreement with the federal government and president George W. Bush. What took me so long? Perhaps it is due to some brain damage I suffered from smoking too much dope in college… I can’t remember.

You see, George has a plan. Why he unveiled some of it in Colombia “under a security web of warplanes, ships and 15,000 troops. There, President George praised Colombia’s battle against drugs and Marxist guerrillas Monday and pledged to keep U.S. aid flowing so ‘this courageous nation can win its war against narcoterrorists.'”

Catch that? “Narcoterrorists.” Well, that has sold it for me right there. I’m in. And since we all love George so much, you get to join with me and pick up the tab on this $3.3 billion dollar clarion call to arms. The plan is called “Operation Colombia,” and while it has failed to keep cocaine off American streets, it is a smash success!

Of course there are some people — probably stoners — who will protest this move (look to see if their eyes are pinkish) but who cares about stoners anyway? And you don’t really have to worry about them getting organized and doing anything about it anyhow. Why? Because they’re stoned, that’s why — and they can’t remember what it was that they were doing!

Of course, Colombia’s President Alvaro Uribe, said something along the lines of:

“Si, senor! Muchos gracias for the $3.3 billion dollars. But I’m afraid we are going to run out of money next year if you don’t give us more. Mas grande, senor!”

Let’s just over-look the fact that your federal government was about to run out of money on December 3rd, and had to pass a “Stop-gap” bill on November 20th to keep it going. Hey! Don’t be so selfish! Your government needs to buy Christmas presents too — and not crummy stuff like you and I buy. Nope, they have what they call “constituents." Those are the folks who deserve special presents and favors like 28-foot sport-fishing yachts, mink coats, or a matching color 12-set of Hell-fire missiles.

I think president George summed it up succinctly and in perfect English so that even average America can understand:

“This legislation is in keeping with my goal to further strengthen the economy by cutting the budget deficit in half over five years.”

See? He’s going to cut the deficit by spending more money. I just wish I made more money so that I could help you folks in the States pay more money so that you could pay less money too.

But I digress. Back to the narcoterrorists deal. I just love this part. Why? Well, think about it: The world changed on 9/11. The terrorists are everywhere. Now you are either with us or you are against us.

People who are terrorists or people who aid and shelter terrorists are considered the same: Bad scum or Arabs. And since they are bad scum, they have no rights. They are all enemy combatants. The glorious government of the USA can take away their citizenship, never allow them to meet a lawyer; never charge them with any crimes; and hold them incommunicado until the cows come home and they get what they deserve. Right?

Well, now we have narcoterrorists and I’m all for it. Count me in. Let’s keep in mind that anyone who even supports terrorists are the same as terrorists — that means if we have narcoterrorists then anyone who traffics, deals, or does drugs is a terrorist. Sounds good to me. Lock them all up, I say. Dope smoking stoners. I hate them — especially a guy named Mike Smith who still owes me $25 for a baggie I sold him over 24 years ago!

This is the part that is just genius on the part of President George: The day we start treating the druggies and stoners the same as the terrorists is the day we can eradicate drug-abuse in America forever!

I think that anyone who has ever smoked, held a joint, passed a joint (even if they didn’t inhale) are all a part of this insidious web of worldwide narcoterrorists that must be destroyed in order for free peoples everywhere to succeed with freedom and they should be arrested immediately and shipped to Guantanamo.

Congressional members pose for the camera — current whereabouts unknown.

Yes, this means that I may lose more than a few friends and family members — as well as 3/4 of the US congress and President Bush’s entire cabinet too (excepting Condi Rice, I can tell she’s too much of a bitty to ever get stoned. Drink vinegar? Yes. Get stoned? No) — but I’m willing to take the risk. After all what is a man if he don’t stand up for his beliefs and what is right? Hell, I might even be arrested — but I won’t — as people who previously voluntarily put themselves into drug rehab will be pardoned. But isn’t having your own son or daughter put into chains and shackles and thrown in some dark box somewhere with no food or water worth it for the betterment of the common good? Isn’t America and American freedom worth fighting this drug scourge and destroying it once and for all?

Now once again I can hear some of you stoners saying that, “Marijuana is not a narcotic!” Well, neither is cocaine. So what’s your point? Everyone knows that marijuana smoking leads to heavy drug abuse and causes an increase in crime, homosexuality, prostitution, and pay-per-view TV.

So what’s the down-side to the argument, you may ask? Well, I can tell you from experience that marijuana causes the “munchies." And if my hunch is correct, the munchies lead to obesity. Obesity is ugly because it is fat. It should be eradicated. Ice cream and chocolate manufacturers will protest, but I say lock them up too!

And you who are reading this know that I’m right in your heart, don’t you? Is there any single one of us who doesn’t want to lose weight and lose weight quickly? Wouldn’t you love to have abs of steel like they show on TV? I know I could do with trimming off a few pounds.

Let’s face it: There is nothing more disgusting and pitiful than a fat, disgusting, brain damaged, stoner — especially one who owes me $25!

Trust me here. Don’t let this happen to you. President George and I know from intimate, intense, soul-searching, personal experience — as well as some very bad acid trips: Drugs do cause brain damage.