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Interview With a Day Trader

I left Baltimore last night and took a cab down to Dulles Airport in Virginia. The following is the actual conversation with the cabdriver. It began as the cab crossed the Baltimore beltway, and the driver suddenly remarked:

"There are a lot of Russians out here."

Yes, I replied.

"I can spot them."

You mean, you can tell if they are Russian?

"Yeah…I can tell. It’s a gift I have. I had two of them in the cab yesterday. They were Russians all right. I tagged them right away."

I guess you can recognize their accents.

"No…I can tell right away. They don’t have to say a word."

Hmmm?

"They were agents. Russian intelligence."

How did you know that?

"It’s a gift."

Hmmm…

"A lot of them out here. One of them was a double agent. Russian intelligence and CIA. Or maybe NSA. I wasn’t sure.

"There are so many…I get confused sometimes. I see them all the time."

You mean, you take them to the airport?

"Sometimes. But I see a lot of them in the mall. A lot of double agents too. Whew…a lot of them. Sometimes triple agents. I had one guy in the car the other day who was CIA, Russian Intelligence and British intelligence.

"He said he was English…but I could tell. They’re pretty good. All kinds of disguises. No way to tell, unless you can tell…heh heh.

"I had one woman on Tuesday. Nice green eyes. Reddish hair. And a thick Irish accent. She said she had lived in Ireland all her life. Even had an Irish passport. But I could tell — Russian Intelligence.

"I haven’t had sex in 12 years. Not with woman, child, man or beast…"

[I decided to let that pass…]

"Another guy with a southern accent…great accent. Said he was from Georgia. Russian intelligence."

Hmmm…there are more than I thought. You can tell just by looking?

"Yeah…sometimes I can tell from a picture. I saw a picture of Al Gore in The Washington Post yesterday. British Intelligence. It really struck me. No doubt about it."

I would have guessed it. How about Bill Clinton?

"British Intelligence."

And Hillary?

"Ah…British Intelligence. But you see a lot more in her. Wiccan.

Satanist. Some Muslim. Some Buddhist. She gives off a lot."

Wiccan?

"Yeah…she’s a witch. Lot of them around too. Especially in the suburbs.

"I call them Satanists in suits. Not the same as black witchcraft. They’re all over the place. Especially in Silver Spring [A suburb north of the city]."

[I’m not making this up…honest…]

"I was a Christian. I put leaflets under windshield wipers for Operation Rescue [an anti-abortion project]. But I didn’t want to kill anybody. Went to church every day. That’s when I got the gift.

"Yesterday they wanted me to train a new driver. He sat in the cab with me for five hours while I showed him the ropes, you know. Well, I knew. I could just tell. So I said, u2018Okay…I know you’re a Satanist. And Russian Intelligence.’ He said, u2018Yeah…how’d you know?’ It’s a gift."

What do you think of Jesse Ventura, I asked. [I couldn’t resist.]

"Don’t get me started…The guy is really bad news. I saw him on TV.

"Russian Intelligence. How do you like that? And a governor! Wiccan. French Intelligence. And military intelligence. A little bit of Satanism, too."

I figured as much. What do you think of the stock market? [What the heck…maybe Alan Greenspan is a double agent. I had to know…]

"Oh…I don’t do that any more. I used to be a day trader. But I kept losing my money. Then I got compulsive about it. I’d stay up every night until 3 a.m. studying the stock market. I guess some guys are good at it. Not me. I still owe money."

It’s a gift, I said.

Bill Bonner Russian Intelligence

Bill Bonner [send him mail] is the author, with Addison Wiggin, of Financial Reckoning Day: Surviving the Soft Depression of The 21st Century.