• Channeling Bob Hope

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    “Well, the election is almost here.
    George W. blew the first debate, and Cheney blew his too.
    To talk to Rove on an earpiece,
    It’s hard enough to talk to one,
    but impossible, if it’s two.
    George, I thank you so much….”

    (The crowd rises to give a standing ovation. Bob Hope walks to the podium):

    “You know, it’s been a rough last three or four years and today I’d like to say thank you to soon-to-be-former president Bush. And I mean that, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

    George is already panicking
    and going to blow the next debate
    John Kerry was a lawyer
    George’s English isn’t up to par
    In fact, it’s second rate
    a thrashing, it will be”

    Bob: “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?”
    Bing: “I don’t know. What is the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?”
    Bob: “One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.”

    (Drums: Tha-da-dump-dump)

    “The way I see it, and I’m going to make a prediction here;
    Bush won’t carry 10 states…
    Most probably he’ll only get five.
    It’s going to be a romping.
    Bush will be lucky if he gets out of this alive.

    And when it’s all over,
    you’ll say “that was predictable too”
    George couldn’t do easy math
    even if it’s two plus two
    George, we thank you so much

    So that’s why I want to say thanks to George W. Bush and the entire Bush family for many years of great service and memories. Had it not been for George, I would have never gotten the chance to write for you good folks and the folks at Lewrockwell.com over these last 11 months or so. It’s been fun.

    Some of you might remember that I picked Bush to lose this year way back in January. Sure I blew it on who was going to take him down, but hey! You’ve seen one Democrat and you’ve seen ’em all!

    I remember when I first found out that George Bush was the Republican nominee for president. I was really surprised! At first, I thought it was his dad, and my good drinking buddy, George Herbert Walker Bush (we were in the same Amway sales group in 1995).

    When I thought it was his dad’s son,
    I was a bit upset
    This isn’t North Korea,
    it’s America, and yet
    we have our own dynasty, too
    George Bush, thank you

    But George has carried on a fine tradition of American presidents. And I thank him so much.

    So won’t you all please rise up from your seats and join me in a little song?”

    (Everyone in unison)

    Thanks for the memory
    Of things I can’t forget
    Journeys on a jet
    Our mission was accomplished
    But they haven’t given up yet
    How lucky we were

    And thanks for the memory
    Of Condi Rice and Rummy
    And of course Dick Cheney
    We dropped some bombs in Baghdad
    it was gonna be for free
    How cozy it was

    Now since our breakup I wake up
    Alone on a gray morning-after
    I long for the sound of your laughter
    And then I see the laugh’s on us

    But thanks for the memory
    Of every budget-busting bill
    We’ve been through the mill
    Osama’s still runnin’ round
    You caught Saddam, but still
    We’ll miss you so much

    Thanks for the memory
    Of how you used to jog
    Mind in a fog
    You lost your home state of Texas
    and couldn’t pull Tennessee
    How rainy it was

    Thanks for the memory
    Of service records you destroyed
    Books about you that we all enjoyed
    I think you need some mental screening
    by a guy named Sigmund Freud
    How brainy he is

    Gone are those debates with John Kerry
    A radio to speak with Karl Rove
    I begin to collect unemployment
    and wish that you
    had a job, too

    I know it’s a fallacy
    That grown men never cry
    Baby, that’s a lie
    We had our bed of roses
    But forgot that roses die
    And thank you so much

    “Good night folks!” Crowd screams and shouts tears of joy as he walks off stage. The red, white, and blue balloons fall from the ceiling. The lights grow dim… Time to go home; the party is over.

    — Thanks to Great Lakes Science and Novelty for the George Bush ventriloquism doll. Get your Bush administration goodies before they’re all gone! (Tell ’em Mike sent you!)

    Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has worked as an independent writer, producer, and personality in the mass media for nearly 30 years.

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