Channeling Bob Hope

“Well, the election is almost here. George W. blew the first debate, and Cheney blew his too. To talk to Rove on an earpiece, It’s hard enough to talk to one, but impossible, if it’s two. George, I thank you so much….”

(The crowd rises to give a standing ovation. Bob Hope walks to the podium):

“You know, it’s been a rough last three or four years and today I’d like to say thank you to soon-to-be-former president Bush. And I mean that, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

George is already panicking and going to blow the next debate John Kerry was a lawyer George’s English isn’t up to par In fact, it’s second rate a thrashing, it will be”

Bob: “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?” Bing: “I don’t know. What is the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?” Bob: “One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.”

(Drums: Tha-da-dump-dump)

“The way I see it, and I’m going to make a prediction here; Bush won’t carry 10 states… Most probably he’ll only get five. It’s going to be a romping. Bush will be lucky if he gets out of this alive.

And when it’s all over, you’ll say “that was predictable too” George couldn’t do easy math even if it’s two plus two George, we thank you so much

So that’s why I want to say thanks to George W. Bush and the entire Bush family for many years of great service and memories. Had it not been for George, I would have never gotten the chance to write for you good folks and the folks at over these last 11 months or so. It’s been fun.

Some of you might remember that I picked Bush to lose this year way back in January. Sure I blew it on who was going to take him down, but hey! You’ve seen one Democrat and you’ve seen ’em all!

I remember when I first found out that George Bush was the Republican nominee for president. I was really surprised! At first, I thought it was his dad, and my good drinking buddy, George Herbert Walker Bush (we were in the same Amway sales group in 1995).

When I thought it was his dad’s son, I was a bit upset This isn’t North Korea, it’s America, and yet we have our own dynasty, too George Bush, thank you

But George has carried on a fine tradition of American presidents. And I thank him so much.

So won’t you all please rise up from your seats and join me in a little song?”

(Everyone in unison)

Thanks for the memory Of things I can’t forget Journeys on a jet Our mission was accomplished But they haven’t given up yet How lucky we were

And thanks for the memory Of Condi Rice and Rummy And of course Dick Cheney We dropped some bombs in Baghdad it was gonna be for free How cozy it was

Now since our breakup I wake up Alone on a gray morning-after I long for the sound of your laughter And then I see the laugh’s on us

But thanks for the memory Of every budget-busting bill We’ve been through the mill Osama’s still runnin’ round You caught Saddam, but still We’ll miss you so much

Thanks for the memory Of how you used to jog Mind in a fog You lost your home state of Texas and couldn’t pull Tennessee How rainy it was

Thanks for the memory Of service records you destroyed Books about you that we all enjoyed I think you need some mental screening by a guy named Sigmund Freud How brainy he is

Gone are those debates with John Kerry A radio to speak with Karl Rove I begin to collect unemployment and wish that you had a job, too

I know it’s a fallacy That grown men never cry Baby, that’s a lie We had our bed of roses But forgot that roses die And thank you so much

“Good night folks!” Crowd screams and shouts tears of joy as he walks off stage. The red, white, and blue balloons fall from the ceiling. The lights grow dim… Time to go home; the party is over.

— Thanks to Great Lakes Science and Novelty for the George Bush ventriloquism doll. Get your Bush administration goodies before they’re all gone! (Tell ’em Mike sent you!)