Interview With a Vampire

A vampire is an animated corpse that sucks blood from the veins of the living. It is a master of deception and has hypnotic powers to lull its victim into a state where it cannot resist an attack. A vampire can be destroyed by driving a stake through its heart or exposing it to the light of day…

Life afforded me a bit of amusement recently in the form of a fund raising call from a rather argumentative representative of the Republican Party.

He identified himself and then began reciting a script that was quickly lulling me into a comatose state. So here we go:

Michael: “Can we cut to the chase here? What is it you want?”

Fund Raiser: “I'm calling to ask you help us keep the Republican majority in Congress…” Short pause for breath. ” We're asking for a fifty dollar donation to help us finish the job.”

Michael: “Will the Republican party swear to me that it will undertake to protect our borders and the lives of innocent unborn children?”

Fund Raiser: “Those issues are not as simple as you make them sound…”

Michael: “Yes they are – they are stone simple, ridiculously simple. Only the politicians have any trouble understanding those issues. And you may tell your bosses that they'll get no money and no votes from me or my family until they start addressing these u2018simple' issues!”

Fund Raiser: (mask slipping) “Those people coming across the border are voting with their feet for a better life! What do you have against them?”

Michael: “Not a damn thing. But I have everything against the clowns in Washington who make ours the only undefended border in the world and try to pretend to me that they're prosecuting a war on terror while they do it. No way, pal, I'm not buying it!”

Fund Raiser: “So you want John Kerry in charge of the war on terror?”

Michael: “Not unless he dies and comes back as a man. But truthfully, I couldn't care less – there is no war on terror. If there were, our borders would be defended. I don't like Kerry, but since he offers no alternative to Bush and Bush is a damn liar, I don't care which one is president! War on terror my ass…if somebody wants to attack us they can drive a tank division across our southern border!”

Fund Raiser: “You mentioned abortion – so how many babies do you think will die if Kerry is elected and we lose our majority in Congress?”

Michael: “A rough estimate would be one point two million. Exactly the same amount as will die under the Republicans. The only good thing I see possibly coming out of this election is gridlock.”

Fund Raiser: “You need to think carefully about the consequences of the Democrats assuming a majority…”

Michael: “I have. What are they going to do that isn't already happening? Run budget deficits? Support causes I detest? I've already got that. It doesn't matter to me who the figureheads are – the results are the same regardless. I'll keep my money – that is, the money your Washington bums don't steal in taxes!”

Fund Raiser: (mask slipping again, angry) “You have no idea how hard this job is! Everyone I talk to goes on and on about these same issues but nobody wants to help!”

Michael: “Why should we help Republicans when they won't even defend our country's borders? Tell your bosses that. Tell them that I, and many like me, don't care if they lose, we don't care who is president and we're not playing that game anymore. Give us a choice or leave us alone. I'm voting Constitution Party when I can and just not voting when there is no choice other than your bozos or the Democrats.”

Fund Raiser: (adjusting mask and clearing throat) “Well since you feel so strongly about all this maybe you should only give fifteen dollars? This really is important you know.”

Michael: “I'll send you a buck every time you do something worth while – that is, NEVER!”


That was fun but the fun is over. Memorial Day weekend is upon us and the politicians are already outdoing each other using the sacrifice of soldiers in war to somehow justify attacking whatever foreign country is the enemy du Jour.

There are terror alerts all over the place and logic suggests that sooner or later some terrorist group or another will indeed perform the ridiculously easy task of killing a large number of Americans. This weekend would be a logical time for an attack – at least in the weird logic of political terror and assassination. The target of course, is rarely those responsible for the mess we're in – it will be you and I and our families.

Our leaders are hopelessly inept; that so far the terrorists have been able to achieve little has been due to the fact that they too are fumblers. What successes they've had, such as turning Iraq into a terrorist hot spot, have been handed to them by Seor Bush and his merry band of crazed neo-conservatives and their liberal enablers.

With the borders wide open it must be accepted that sooner or latter even the most pathetically incompetent terrorist will manage to pull of some bloody stunt or another.

Then the politicians will claim that we should have listened to them, that we must attack yet more foreign countries, suspend even more civil liberties, and that all this is somehow the fault of those of us who do not support their outrageous and totally illogical invasion of Iraq.

Indeed, if enough Americans are killed it will become open season on Muslims and we'll be treated to the bizarre spectacle of Senor Bush blathering about the “religion of peace” while his minions roam the streets in a killing rage, stomping all over those very immigrants that our “war leader” has encouraged to come here in such appalling numbers.

Will Americans have the sense to put the blame where it belongs? Probably not, but one can hope. A government that routinely involves itself in the affairs of other countries, one that conquers and occupies other countries, is setting America up for attack. When that same government refuses to defend the nation's borders, knowing that there are terrorists out there with blood in their eyes and murder in their hearts, I say to you that government is guilty of criminal incompetence and yes, treason.

That government consists of two socialist parties called the Republicans and Democrats. They should be repudiated, they must be repudiated, or this erstwhile Republic of ours is doomed.

As to the vampires, where's my garlic?

May 29, 2004