by Anthony W. Pereslete by Anthony W. Pereslete
INT. POX NEWS ANCHOR DESK – TRENDY “TERROR IN IRAQ” CGI OPEN.
INTERCUT AS NECESSARY.
ANDREW JENOUS (ANCHOR): Pox News now goes to our embedded reporter Bob Forphantoms in Baghdad, with a breaking story about the discovery of an Iraqi weapon of mass destruction. Hello, Bob.
BOB (filter): Hello, Andrew.
ANDREW: Bob, can you tell us where you are currently embedded?
INSERT SHOT OF PORCH REFRIGERATOR.
BOB: Yes. I'm in what you might call the suburbs of Baghdad across the street from a residence. You can see, in the background here, the outdoor refrigerator that apparently contains a confirmed, confirmed weapon of mass destruction. Right now, I'm with the Tenth Army Division, embedded directly up one of their descending columns.
ANDREW: It must be exciting to get so close to a source of breaking developments.
BOB: Yes, it is, but a bit unnerving, nonetheless.
SOLDIERS INTERRUPT AND PUSH BOB AROUND A BIT.
BOB: We're being asked to move. They want us to get coverage of the weapon of mass destruction, but don't want us to get hurt. Evidently, it's some sort of chemical weapon, so we're going to be escorted to safety. We'll be able to get some excellent video – oh, and they have the door open. Zoom in on that, Leo.
CLOSE ON REFRIGERATOR SURROUNDED BY MILITARY IN EXPOSURE SUITS. THE REFRIGERATOR INTERIOR HAS TWO CANS OF BILLY BEER FLANKING A JAR OF BLEST FOODS MAYONNAISE. A LARGE PAIR OF TONGS GINGERLY EXTRACTS THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND PLACES IT IN A HAZARDOUS MATERIAL CONTAINMENT VESSEL.
BOB: Andrew, it appears to be a large jar of some kind. I'm going to get a statement from the commanding officer. Lieutenant, Lieutenant McMufin, what can you tell us about the weapon you've discovered?
LIEUTENANT ED McMUFIN: Yes, well, as you can see it's clearly a jar of highly dangerous rancid mayonnaise. This is definitely a chemical booby trap set for our brave troops. The terrorists placed it strategically between two cans of Billy Beer to tempt our guys to open it. As you know, it's been pretty hot here in Baghdad the last couple of days, and the electricity has been out on this refrigerator all that time. Under those conditions, this mayo has become an extremely potent killer. Had our troops been tempted to open this weapon of mass destruction, and enhance their MREs with it, we could have had hundreds if not thousands of casualties.
BOB: And the Billy Beer?
LIEUTENANT ED McMUFIN: Regretfully, that will become collateral damage. We don't dare drink it. It's probably unstable, as it was a weapon we regularly exported to Iraq way back in the Reagan Administration.
ANDREW: Bob? We've got to interrupt you for a commercial.
BOB: Okay. Thank you, Lieutenant.
ANDREW: We'll continue with Pox breaking coverage right after this message…
