Sure, your mailbox and inbox are full of offers that promise the world and deliver nothing. Are you out of work? Perhaps tired of your old, mundane job where you have all responsibility and no authority? Do you want to reverse that? We can help. We have your perfect, extremely erotic job, full of perks that will give you power beyond belief and you'll have absolutely no responsibility even if you yell at – or better – molest any customer you want to molest!
Admit it! You long to achieve near omnipotence on this earth. Do you really enjoy looking at and pilfering through other people's valuable personal and intimate belongings? In the past you've had to do that undercover but no more! We celebrate such invasions! Sign up with us and you'll hit a jackpot better than any Vegas has ever seen.
We're looking for a few good men and women who want to experience joys others would be arrested for. We're the Transportation Security Administration!
What a Country!
Yes, you too can have a cushy job, a "tushy" job, in air-conditioned, government-paid, never-be-fired work at the security (wink-wink) checkpoints at America's airports!!!
We're the TSA, which we insiders quietly but lovingly refer to proudly as the Terrorist Sex Advocates.
Apply here and we'll give you power and hands-on (wink-wink) authority to terrorize customers. Here's our funny inside joke: You can terrorize our customers and say (but only if you keep a straight face) that you're terrorizing them "in the name of stopping terrorism!" We always laugh at that one at the end of the shift. One old geezer's pace maker started acting up when we pulled him aside after he took too long to remove his shoes – oh, you should have seen him try to hobble to his departing flight after we gave him our special third-degree delay (we call these TDDs and they infuriate customers who must run to their plane after we feel them up for a few delaying minutes!).
Just Imagine
"Miss," you say in your most stern voice as you approach the blooming 15-year old traveler. If she backs away immediately yell at her for not letting you invade her personal space. Yelling is half the fun of this job and the other half is getting to feel whomever looks good to you. The customers know that if they show the slightest assertiveness at your rudeness, you will ensure that they miss all flights for the rest of the day.
Just imagine that little 15-year-old little smarty pants in a private holding room you've got reserved just for people like her who hesitate to let you virtually strip her at the checkpoint. It's your duty so make plainly clear that you're the master and she's the slave. Keep your badge shined because in just the right light it can blind and disorient weary travelers. YES, you get a shiny badge! It's all part of the fun here at the TSA. You don't even have to buy clothes because… get this… those customers whom you get to molest and invade and yell at buy your uniforms through the taxes they pay! Can it get any better?
Full Disclosure
We must be careful to let you know that we do not condone the harassment, disrespect, or delay of any 17-to-40 year-old male Arab nationals. If you plan to give those guys any of this treatment, we'll show you the door, buddy. We at the TSA go out of our way not to profile. So as long as your customers (we call them "tricks" in the lunch room – we're such cut-ups) are white, African-American, Hispanic, or Asian, you can have all the fun you want. Just don't profile young foreign Arab males; we go out of our way to show we are completely fair and impartial.
Thou Shall Not Steal – Unless Employed Here
Our airport customers are so lame! And I'm not talking about just the ones who have trouble walking! (As an aside, on April 23rd our Australian brethren forced a 16-year old Australia high school student to remove her artificial leg in front of the other passengers in the security line… what a riot! We don't yet have that much privilege but we're working hard to reach that goal. If we want to humiliate customers, we have many ways to do it and we'd rather have high school girls strip behind a screen anyway because it's better to get a private showing.)
Surely you've seen shows like "60 Minutes" almost annually air hidden camera busts about airport luggage handlers stealing from passenger luggage. It has been going on for years! Now, thanks to the help of TSA's officials and the Patriot Act, airplane passengers can no longer lock their luggage! It is so much easier to pilfer now. Even better, when some passenger insists on locking his bag we get to break it open using any means we have available and we don't have to replace or repair the lock or luggage! Isn't this wonderful employment? Those passengers get so irate when they pick up their broken suitcase baggage but hey, it's not our fault that they didn't read the fine print when they checked their bags.
Even better is knowing how husbands feel when they realize we've snooped through their wives' intimate apparel… It's just a day in the life of stopping terrorism.
You'll really love the added perks of finding items you used to have to buy before going to work for us. When some stupid, idiotic passenger tries to board with something like nail clippers we get to take them! Here's a real funny one: Did you know that people actually return to the airport after a trip and think their going to get this stuff back that we took? Really they think it's still theirs! We'll never understand the human race!
Just last year, I was able to confiscate a pair of knitting needles from a 79-year old bag who looked horror-struck that I removed them from her purse. To punish her for giving me such a look, I made sure to question her long enough for her to miss her flight and she was stranded overnight. She kept asking why I took her knitting supplies and I told her that after 9/11, I was afraid she was going to knit an Afghan! (Get it? She didn't, what stupid passengers we have!)
Your Job is Safe!
Don't let all you've heard about "airline failures" worry you. The airlines actually blame their low passenger rates since 9/11 on 9/11 itself. They have absolutely no clue that people don't want to be treated as though they are criminals instead of customers! It's a riot. No matter how boldly and pompously you do your job (don't laugh, yea, we actually call this "work" in public), the airlines obviously haven't one clue that it is Airport Security who is to blame for massively-reduced passenger numbers. The airlines look the other way when we fondle their customers! In many ways they are accomplices when they look the other way. Our motto at the TSA is "Spread the blame and we'll remain blameless!"
The airlines try all sorts of incentives that fail to get their loyal customers back. American Airlines and United would never dream of using their powerful leverage to knock us down to size so that we have to treat American passengers like customers again instead of like criminals (especially the cute ones).
Listen, the airlines are such wimps they mostly agree that pilots shouldn't carry guns! What fools – but their foolishness is our gain. The day they give pilots guns and allow proved and current law enforcement officials to carry firearms on board, our job is over. No more gravy train for us. So we'll continue to fight those actions called "common sense measures" by many of our customers. By the way, when you work for us you receive bonus money if you happen to get the names of any customers who do want those kinds of real security measures put into place. We must protect our own. We're the TSA and we've got some fondling to tend to. Ah, so many customers and so few hours in each day to "get to" all of them.
So your job is safe and it's funny how the airline industry is going broke while we get more new hires every day. Business is good at the TSA and we say YEA to the TSA!
Dedication
To the guy at the Las Vegas Gate D TSA "security" checkpoint who showed your authority as well as all your thinly-veiled desires this week when I passed through your patdown – I dedicate this article to you.
July 3, 2003
