The United States Invades Hell

Transcript from a Television News Network report

"And now with breaking news, our on the scene correspondent, Mike Smith, covering … well, Mike, perhaps you can tell me what is going on there."

"Yes Sarah, I'm here in New York, where witnesses have reported that some sort of monster is wreaking havoc in lower Manhattan. Descriptions vary, but most say that it resembles a demon of some sort."

"A Demon?"

"Yes, Sarah. That is what people are reporting. The area has been closed off and the police are on the scene. It has been rumored that the Governor is planning on calling in the National Guard to help deal with this menace.

"Have you been able to get any footage of this alleged demon?"

"No, as of now, the entire area for a ten block radius has been closed off, but we will continue to – wait, it's coming in view."

[Camera panned outward at this point. Image of the demon appears on screen.]

"Yes, there it is, the monster that people have been talking about. As you can see, it possesses phenomenal strength, although its full abilities have not yet been determined. What's that?"

"Sir, you need to leave the area."

"I'm a journalist, you can't suppress freedom of the press."

"Sir, this is for your own safety."

"Mike, it's coming straight at you!"

"Sir, please leave-"

[At this point the transmission was abruptly cut off.]

New York Press Headline Story Demon Appears in Manhattan

What appears, for all intents and purposes to be a Demon materialized in lower Manhattan three days ago. After going on a destructive rampage, the Governor called in the National Guard to help contain this menace. So far, it has been contained, although the military refuses to release any progress reports.

Witnesses describe a hole opening in the street, and from that hole crawled the Demon, which shortly thereafter started to destroy everything within reach. There have been 35 casualties, and many more injured, but the monster has been contained and has been repelled by the Guard several times as it tried to leave the confinement zone.

It is rumored that the President is planning on sending more units in with more advanced weaponry, but the White House has neither confirmed nor denied this. Relief supplies are already being convoyed to New York, and private donations are pouring in.

The Governor of New York is calling on the President to declare a State of Emergency, and is considering a declaration of Martial Law until the menace is removed.

New York Press Headline Story Demon Defeated

In what analysts call a stunning victory, the demon fell to the concentrated fire of Patriot Missiles. While invulnerable to small arms fire, 21st century weaponry is more than capable of felling a demon.

The marines have been sent through the portal into what appears to be Hell and have established a temporary beachhead at the entrance to prevent any further invasions. While the portal is currently too small to allow major weaponry through, the lesser denizens of Hell can be held back by M-16 fire.

So far several different religions have claimed the Demon, still unidentified, as proof of their validity, although a few Infernal Detainees have said that all the claims are invalid. The identities of these detainees are unknown at this time.

The Army has at this time forbidden any members of the press access to the Nether World, so conditions there are unknown, although the Public Affairs Office assures us that morale is high. It is unknown at this time how long American troops will be stationed there.

Partial Transcript of a speech the President made to Congress, one month after the initial arrival of the Demon

The United States is threatened by a new, yet very old, enemy. One month ago, a Demon from Hell arrived in New York City. It took the combined efforts of the military of the United States of America to defeat this Demon and ensure the safety of our own people.

War has been declared on the United States and on Mankind by Hell. For the security of the people of the United States of America, we must respond. I call for the creation of a Department of Infernal Affairs to monitor for Infernal Activity. This will be both a Scientific Agency to study our enemies, and a Military Agency to respond to Infernal Incursions.

We will begin immediate investigation of Satanists and other deviant religions within this country for aiding and abetting the enemy. While not detained for any specific offense, we will ensure that their civil rights are protected.

The Department of Infernal Affairs will include a hotline where loyal citizens can report on suspected Infernal influence on their neighbors.

Washington News Editorial Should We Invade Hell?

While information is still incomplete, there have been rumors about whether or not the invading demon was acting alone or under orders from some superior demon. As long as this information is still unavailable, it would be irresponsible to mount any major military activity in Hell. The potential of causing harm to innocent civilians should balance the equation of whether or not to declare war.

Some would argue that those living in Hell are by nature not innocent, but in this instance, since the average citizens are not the ones who committed the attack, they are relatively innocent.

Department of Infernal Affairs Press Release

Our scientists have been working around the clock to understand the nature of the enemy we fight. The remains of the Demon, after having been delivered to us, have been dissected by our Biologists. This has given us valuable information on the strengths and weaknesses of these strange beings.

Meanwhile the nature of the portal that this being opened has finally been analyzed, and it is thought that soon we would be able to open our own portal to the netherworld, as well as detecting portals that may open on our world.

ACLU Press Release

The planned invasion of Hell raises serious questions about the Separation of Church and State as guaranteed in the First Amendment. Should the government be allowed to question the denizens of the Nether Realms about their opposite numbers?

If a correct religion were to be identified, those in other religions would be considered aligned with the Infernal, and would the United States government then consider itself to have free reign to violate the rights of those in other religions for aligning themselves with the enemy?

Moreover, given that demons have a reputation for being liars, could any report on the correct religion be believed from them? It is the recommendation of the American Civil Liberties Union that investigation along these lines be abandoned.

Internet posting from a Lew Rockwell reader

They missed the point, again.

    Emblem of the Department of Infernal Investigations

Memoryhole News Report

The emblem of the Department of Infernal Affairs has been changed. It seems that people thought it looked too much like the Government trying to take the place of religion.

Critics said that the image of the bomber amidst the clouds of heaven was just a bit too much. Others thought that showing the earth resting just above the flames of Hell was sacrilegious, and suggesting that it would be government protecting people from that was a violation of the first amendment.

Article on Lew Rockwell

Taking advantage of a disaster, the Federal Government has found a new reason to dispense with Civil Liberties. People of questionable religious affiliations have been rounded up, without warrants, without trials, to be held indefinitely by the Department of Infernal Investigations. Where are these internment camps? That is not public knowledge.

Moreover, this roundup is not limited to Satanists, who shouldn't have their rights violated in this way either. Members of various Pagan and Neo-Pagan religions are being rounded up as well, in spite of there being no proof of any Satanic sentiments, and plenty of proof otherwise. It seems that they are being detained for not following an "approved" religion.

Of course, all of this seems to not bother the average American, since it is all done on the name of "security." How long until the effects of this are felt in their daily lives? Will it be too late to reverse this government growth once they realize their freedoms are diminished?

Of course, giving the Department of Infernal Affairs the authority to read our emails without any warrant and setting up a toll free number with which we can turn in our neighbors is all too reminiscent of the worst aspects of 1984.

Article on Lew Rockwell

It seems we are going to expand our American Empire in a new direction. The evidence seems to point out that the Demon who invaded New York was acting alone, but that is still sufficient reason for the United States to invade and annex Hell.

While punishing the lone offender would be a good idea, and has been accomplished by the National Guard, if our government does invade Hell, as seems to be the intent, it will make us the aggressors.

And what possible benefit could our imperialist government gain from the invasion of Hell? This could cost many lives and many dollars, and for what? To establish an empire in which one cannot escape by death? Even during the worst of their excesses, the Soviet, Nazi, and Maoist empires did have the out of death. It was often used as a punishment, but it did free one from the temporal earthly dictatorships. Having an eternal dictatorship is a horrifying thought.

Assuming we manage to successfully invade hell, we would most likely establish a puppet government there, picking some minor demon willing to do our bidding for at least a while. The President has said he has no intent to conquer hell, so this will probably be another "regime change."

So, how should this story end?

January 10, 2003