A Presidential Press Conference in 2010

FoxNews Flash…………

Following is transcript of President Bush’s news conference of Monday Jan 2, 2010.

Pres Bush: Good Morning, many things have happened over the weekend. I have to speak fast so you will have to listen fast. (fawning laughter from assembled news and cameramen……)

As we have long feared the evil doers have struck again. This weekend shadowy cowards set fire to the Parliament building of our allies in Ickybeckystan killing our proud Ickybecky allies in the holocaust. The men standing beside me now are Ickybeck firefighters who should be fighting the fire at the Parliament building but have consented to standing with me now. Man, I’m so proud of these guys….

First reports suggest the evil radical extremist group the WJAGBIIG(We Hate Anything Good Because it is Good) who you all know are the heirs of Bin Laden’s evil horde which we exterminated just this week after an intense nine year war. There are tens or perhaps hundreds of these indescribably dangerous messengers of death scattered throughout all the nations of the Earth, part of the WJAGBIIG Terror Network.

We have also learned that the WJAGBIIG has planned to commit the same heinous crimes against the American people in the form of a firebombing campaign on the remaining Federal buildings or American families in their homes. Imagine…… setting American women and children on fire in their living rooms…

Since the horrible and suspicious fire which destroyed our Capitol building and forced the cancellation of the Presidential election of 2008 our Congress and Senate have been working from their homes under the careful guard of our proud men and women in uniform. I have arranged food and other necessary items for survival be delivered to them by our armed forces.The Congresspersons have been passing their notes to me directly and secretly through our proud servicemen and women. With this method our loyal Congress and Senate persons need no longer face the real risk of extermination by terrorists. They have expressed their gratitude for your support of my policies.

With the advice and consent of Congress and Senate, Tony Blair of Great Britain, and Vlad Putin I am announcing the following measures to combat the ongoing terrorist threats against goodness in our country and around the world by the evil-doers.

First:I am dispatching our Secretary of State to Ickybeckystan to offer our full support in bringing the WJAGBIIG to justice no matter how many decades it may take. SecState will be accompanied by the Secretary of the Treasury to convince them of our enduring commitment to their government’s stability and the safety of the Icky peoples. This is the first action in our new war to be named Operation Sinister Misnomer.

Second: We have already dispatched the FBI to Ickbeckystan to direct the investigation of the WJAGBIIG by the Icky law enforcement and give them every incentive to gather some evidence which will prove the guilt of the WJAGBIIG. I have dispatched the Assistant SecState and the Assistant SecTreasury to all the capitols of the world to present the evidence we will certainly find proving the guilt of the WJAGBIIG and guaranteeing the approval of the New Coalition governments for Operation Sinister Misnomer.

Third:As we have seen so many times in the past the guilty terrorists immediately blend into the local civilian population and become impossible to find and prosecute.So, in ten days we will begin the carpet bombing of the entire country of Ickbeckystan to flush out the guilty and bring them to justice. To show our humanitarian good wishes to the oppressed peoples of Ickybeckstan we will alternate bombing runs with food runs where, as you know, we drop 55 gallon drums of food over the all too predictable refugee camps of panicky Ickys attempting to escape the WJAGBIIG terror. We are announcing the bombing ten days in advance to give the WJAGBIIG every opportunity to surrender and save their countrymen the horror of the bombing. The WJAGBIIG have punished their countrymen for too long. This kind of naked cruelty will not stand. Let’s be clear on this point… WJAGBIIG is Bad, USA is good.

I have been in contact with the military rulers of Khorruptishstan who guarantee the WJAGBIIG will not be permitted to cross their border. Woe be to any WJAGBIIG fighters who might sneak across the other three borders……in the next ten days…….

As part of our humanitarian campaign I will order the construction of replacement schools and hospitals and factories and government buildings and waste treatment plants and electric plants and dams and airports and roads and supermarkets and gas stations as soon as the bombing stops, possibly within the next ten years. To help rebuild their economy I will order the construction of a new oil pipeline to jumpstart their economy. This economic stimulus pipeline will connect with the new pipeline which traverses Afghanistan and brings much needed revenue into the new Afghani peoples’ government.

As part of the nation building plan I will construct a chain link fence with concertina wire facing outward around the entire country to keep any Austrian economists and Classical Liberals from entering the country to confuse the Ickys. I want the Ickybecky peoples to have the same government and economic system Americans enjoy. I am resolute on this point.

Fourth: Having found incriminating documents in their hiding places we know the WJAGBIIG intend to strike at families here in America at any moment. We also know they started their infamous Parliament fire with gasoline and traveled freely about their country in advance of the horrible Parliament fire. We cannot allow this to happen in America. So in order to guarantee the safety of all Americans I have ordered a two dollar a gallon tax on gasoline and have restricted all travel without showing cause to the responsible government representative in your neighborhood. Travel to work, Internal Revenue Offices, and gas stations will be considered good reasons for movement during the coming expected terror. These precautions and others to be announced soon by the Domestic Security Chiefs and the Joint Chiefs are to protect good Americans from evil Ickybecky WJAGBIIG terrorists disguising themselves as American workers and taxpayers while going about their evil deeds. Under no circumstances will we kneel before the evil doers, we will remain the free-est people on Earth by God’s good graces. Laura and I hope you will join us in going to the House of Worship of your choice this Sunday to thank God for America’s greatness and for all our freedoms. After all, if God is with me, who can be against me?

Fifth: As we have seen in the past insane persons have taken the side of evil doers and condemned the righteous Federal government of the United States for its’ foreign and domestic policies. I take these horrid assertions personally and seriously and have therefore signed into law the AntiAmerican Evil Terror Enabler Act which authorizes the quick arrest by Navy Seals, trial, and punishment of any person anywhere in the world who would take the side of evil to resist the will of America in the war on terror. Each member of Congress and the Senate will receive his copy of the Act by military courrier before sunset for his perusal or consent. My staff and I believe this is the most expedient method of guaranteeing the free speech tradition of our proud nation while enabling the Military Tribunals established in my first term to transcend the cumbersome sovereignty phantom in prosecutions of insane persons who would take the side of evil-doing terrorists.

Sixth:Because our armed forces have been spread so thin, now in 91 countries around the globe installing good governments and banking systems for the oppressed peoples, I have arranged for the New Coalition to assemble a Good Will Force of 350,000 Peacekeepers to loan America during the imminent wave of WJAGBIIG attacks on our freedom. With newly Federalized translators and the Peacekeepers on every American street I am fully confident we will have taken every prudent measure to protect the American people from the evil doers and indiginous crime as well. Perhaps you will consider quartering a Good Will Peacekeeper in your home.

Seventh and last: To combat the WJAGBIIG Terror Network I will order the New York Stock Exchange to immedialtely seize and freeze all the assets of evil persons and consign their assets into trust for the safe keeping of the American people or perhaps to give to the Icky children after Operation Sinister Misnomer has fulfilled its’ promise. That is all I have for you now.

Thank you for not asking any questions, a copy of this briefing has been forwarded to your newspapers and networks, thank you for your good work.

I want to thank my staff for making this all happen in the 18 short hours since the Ickybecky Holocaust, you men and women have done miraculous work and make the American people proud.

I want to close by thanking the American people for their support through the first 9 years of war on terror and let you know I am considering rescheduling the Presidential elections just as soon as it is safe to do so. Until then, God Bless America and the American people. Now as I have asked you before – remain calm, stay in your homes, go about your business, get your travel papers, don’t allow the terrorists to change your lives.

Be strong, for Amerika.

December 26, 2001