Congratulations to Nancy Keates and the Wall Street Journal for "Mail-Order Bagels Gain Popularity With New York On Minds of Many." Ms. Keates provides the valuable results of a "taste-test" among New York City’s five leading bagel producers. But, more important, this is an exposé confirming the nationwide epidemic of phony bagels.
In a way, the loss of quality of the bagel is a metaphor for our national loss of value and purpose.
We have sunk so low that there are some Americans who actually prefer something as profane as a raisin bagel. (I will not even mention our esteemed editor’s name, and besides, that was in his pre-anti-carbohydrate days.)
As usual, however, the Wall Street Journal conceals the real issue. By concentrating on the perversion of mass-produced, frozen bagels, the warmongering daily diverts attention from a cabal that has existed for almost 100 years.
Focus the debate on the bagel. Does today’s bagel measure up to the standards of the last century? Is it possible to export the art of bagel baking beyond the confines of NYC? Finally — setting aside the raisin bagel — should those who promote such bastardizations as "blueberry," "hot-pepper," and "sun-dried tomato" bagels be shot?
Folks, let me reveal the truth: it’s a scam. Keep the goyim busy with the bagel debate. Let them conduct contests and have the winning formula taken over by Sara Lee. Keep them distracted to make sure they never discover the real "manna from above," the Bialy.
I can say with certainty that no genuine bialy has ever been baked outside the Boroughs. Even Jews outside NYC know nothing of the bialy.
Mysteriously, there is something in the bialy that causes its total erasure from the memory banks if you allow 18 months to pass without eating one. This explains why even ex-New York Jews look blank when the bialy is mentioned.
By secret agreement, Jewish comedians pledge never to joke about the bialy. Waiters are quick to discourage any out-of-towner in NYC who might inadvertently select a bialy. "Eat the bagel — it’s better."
In NYC, a small group of gentiles knows the truth. It is rumored that they have undergone some mysterious conversion — more rigorous than ultra-orthodox-that allows them access to the bialy.
Note: If you call one of the five NYC leading bagel vendors listed in the WSJ article, and make an effort to order bialys, your chances are "iffy". I am convinced there is a secret password, but I am no help. I’ve been away too long.
