Emergency Supplies
During times of war and terror, it’s easy to run short on many vital household items, such as scented soaps, imported prosciutto, and monogrammed stationary. Some people can find great comfort in having a comprehensive family disaster plan. But when planning your emergency supply kit, it's easy to become overwhelmed by the details – and the need to please many people at once. However, using the kit I’ve designed can be an unencumbered joy; a vacation, perhaps, and it can be just for the two of you. Because your kit can only feed two!
Beyond the basic provisions – Cipro, bottled San Pellegrino, canned pte, plenty of potted shrimp, canard confit, oil-cured Moroccan olives, pique cotton bandages, hand-embroidered quilts (all available through Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM mail order), and so on – you should have an evacuation kit that includes mercerized thread in colors that match your clothes and needles in assorted sizes. Add snaps, hooks and eyes, seam binding, elastic, iron-on tape or patches, straight pins, safety pins, a needle threader, a tape measure, and a thimble. Also include a pair of scissors, a seam ripper, and a pincushion. Fit the kit's contents into a hand-dyed raffia tote, and glue a doubled piece of grosgrain ribbon to the handles for storing needles and easy-to-lose buttons.
Outdoor Living
If your lovely home is ever destroyed in a terrorist attack, my weather-resistant cedar furniture, my summer stripe beach umbrella and matching beach mattress, and other items from my catalog can turn your yard into an elegant space for living graciously in a time of stress. Consider installing an outdoor shower by the pool now, while your stock portfolio is still worth something. And remember, a well-chlorinated pool will enable you to keep your clothes bright and clean while you’re waiting to rebuild. You can also take a few pellets of your chlorine, drop them in your copper watering can with a gallon of water from the creek, and help prevent nasty cases of typhoid. Serve in 8 oz. tumblers with fresh mint and lime slices.
GOOD THING: Twig Coasters! Made with beech twigs and llama-gut twine, these coasters will add a distinctive charm to your outdoor table.
MONEY-SAVING TIP: Since you no longer will have electricity to run your dryer, use it as a compost bin to make the rich organic soil your homegrown vegetables will love. A couple of spins a week will keep the compost progressing nicely.
Be creative! Regard your newly changed circumstances as an opportunity for simplifying your life and getting back to nature, and you’ll find that terrorist attacks can be an opportunity for personal growth and empowerment, instead of a time for helpless hand-wringing.
Chemical and Biological Attacks
It's hard to decide which is the bigger mess around the house: the unlovely results of being dosed with a particularly virulent strain of escherichia coli, or the hemorrhaging caused by some of those froufrou tropical fevers. One easy, low-cost solution is to cover your beautiful furniture with a drape of festive plastic sheeting. A tablecloth, damask-covered duvet, or any interesting cloth will also do the job nicely in a pinch. Even better, it will be a cinch to wash and iron, should you or one of your family members eventually recover. If any of you have the strength to maneuver victims into a bedroom, you can employ a cheerful plastic bedsheet to keep the area tidy. Choose one that is the same size as your bed: a single for a single bed, a queen for a queen. For a tablecloth, determine the correct width by doubling the height of the victim(s) and adding his (their) width plus 6 inches. This creates a rectangle of fabric that covers the body and hangs down an extra 2 inches all the way around, after you've sewn a 1-inch hem. Use grommet eyelets and grosgrain-ribbon ties to secure the victim in place, as some of these biological agents can result in dementia.
GOOD THING: Should things not improve, we have a full line of spades and shovels in the Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM gardening catalog!
GOOD THING: To freshen the house after a gas attack, collect fresh herbs, such as rosemary, thyme, lavender, sage, and lemon verbena, and place them in muslin bags throughout your home. Tie bags with decorative grosgrain ribbons.
Traitors in the Neighborhood
Traitors can be found in even the best neighborhoods. Perhaps one of your neighbors is not flying the American flag. Could be he’s home-schooling his kids. Or maybe he "surfs" the Internet, maybe even visits forbidden sites.
If you have some neighbors that have given you ample reason to suspect that they are traitors, a good way to enhance the community spirit is to have a public execution.
If you’re worried that neighbors who sympathize with the prisoners might show up at the block party, you may want to give guests a little pat down. Always start with women and children first. Never ask for a cavity search: let your guests volunteer.
To ease an unlovely cleanup job, make sure to have handy a 10-by-20 sheet of landscaping fabric. Using one of our 10" commercial-grade pie tins (authentic reproductions of the highly collectible tins from the pie bakeries of yesteryear), and some Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM latex white paint, trace circles on the fabric. With a pair of French garden shears, cut holes in the fabric the size of the circles you have just painted.
Using cedar two-by-fours, make a 10-by-20-by-5 rectangular frame to support the fabric. Nail the fabric to the frame using " finishing nails. Poke the suspected traitors heads through the fabric. Steady now! One clean shot directly between the eyes, and it’s time to turn your attention to the cleanup. Let heads drain. Then a simple wipe-up with a sponge and a bucket of water and bleach, and the job is done. With the right gear, a chore might even become a pleasure.
I’m Martha Stuart, telling you to remember, it’s a good thing.
October 15, 2001
2001, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern
