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Really ‘Politically Incorrect’

by Humberto Fontova

While calling the book “fascinating,” and “totally crazy” Bill Maher was snorting derisively as he held up a copy of Helldiver’s Rodeo on his show recently.

“Can you believe this guy?” Bill Maher snickered while pointing his chin at author Humberto Fontova. “He calls offshore oil drilling “an Environmental Bonanza!” Who ever heard of such nonsense. Is this guy a Oil Company shill or what”. And the audience laughed and hooted along. “He even says there’s fish around these things” and the host pointed to the book’s cover which shows an offshore oil production platform. “Yeah Right….and Caribou too!” as the audience cackled.

The author actually missed the comment. He’d had his back to the camera while turning to display his “Che T-shirt” to co-guests Sen. Christopher Dodd and Bianca Jagger who was leaning in for a better look.

“Aaeeyy!” Suddenly Ms Jagger jumped and shrieked like a rat had run up her leg. Senator Dodd flinched, stuttered helplessly then turned to host Bill, who himself seemed at a loss for words.

The wily author-guest had worn a light jacket when he walked onstage and removed it after seating. Now the camera closed in to reveal the shirt’s caption: “What goes around, comes around” and above it was Che Guevara alright. But a bullet- riddled one, hanging upside down like a buck on a meatpole with eyes open and his tongue hanging to the dirt alongside his famous brown locks.

“Okay folks” Bill blurted as he stood, waved his arms and tried to calm the studio audience who’d erupted with howls of shock and horror. “We apologize folks…” he motioned to the producers, camera people and security guards who were suddenly abuzz. “Okay folks…yes-yes, seems we have a wise-guy on the show today. We apologize…..No, this isn’t the type of thing we’re about here at Politically Incorrect. Not at all.

“BULLS**t!” yelled Humberto who was suddenly on his feet “Ya’ll are nothing but a buncha dillentante chumps!” he raved while jerking his arm free from the grasp of a potbellied Security guard.

“If it was Nixon or Reagen on this shirt ya’ll would LOVE IT! RIGHT?!” He yelled as he jerked his head around. “Ya’ll would be snickering and clapping and calling it “edgy” and “feisty” and “irreverent” and all that crap, wouldn’t ya? — WOULD’NT YA!!” His eyes were wild and swollen veins jutted from his forehead and neck.

“Ya’ll can dish it out!” shrieked the Cuban-American author. “But ya can’t TAKE IT!, HUNH?! — Aaaeee-uughhh!” and Humberto was suddenly seized from behind in a hammerlock by a second guard.

“You’re outta here buddy!” growled the grimacing guard as tightened his grip and Humberto flailed his arms crazily. Then “OOWW!!” as the inflamed guest elbowed the elderly Negro guard in the groin and slithered free.

The agile author scurried to the edge of the stage and blurted. “Che was a stupid little weasel who got exactly what was coming to him!” Then he pointed at Senator Dodd. “Too bad your blow-buddy Fidel didn’t get it too,” spittle shot from his lips. “And it’s not TOO LATE!…Now check this out!” And he turned to reveal the back of his shirt to the camera.

“VIVA PINOCHET!” read the shirt’s caption. Above it was a rendering of the Chilean general atop a raring steed. For a few seconds as more security guards rushed in, the camera moved in to reveal the plumed and helmeted general laughing while waving a huge sword that beheads a hideous red monster emblazoned with the Hammer and Cycle.

People were scuffling on the stage when shrieks of “Fascista!..No Pasaran!” rent the air. The camera turned and caught a wild-eyed Bianca gripping her nail-file with white knuckles while lunging for Humberto’s neck. “Cabron!..I weeel KEEEL you!”

The besieged guest somehow emerged from the fracas and caught La Jagger by the wrists in the nick of time. “AHA!” He beamed. “I like it! Yes!…And so do you my fiery little cucaracha!…” he jerked her closer. “And you have such beautiful eyes and lips. Why Mick preferred David Bowie I’ll never understand.”

“AYYEE-AYEEE!” she raged while struggling vainly against Humberto’s grip.

“And now you’re running with this chump,” sneered Humberto while turning to Senator Dodd. “who’s always prancing around with Barney Frank!”

“AYYY! NO!” raved the enraged Ms Jagger “I will KEEEL YOU!” Then she broke free from the lunatic Cuban and tripped on the floor with a thump beside a pale Senator Dodd who gripped his upper torso and gazed ceiling-ward in a manner reminiscent of Fred Sanford…”It’s the Big One!…I’m comin to meet ya….Lizabeth!..comin to meet ya honey!'”

The show had started on a disruptive note twenty minutes earlier when Humberto, an avid hunter, had whispered “Hey tootsie” to Ingrid Newkirk “Munch on this,” while groping his lap region.

The audience gasped nervously and a rattled Bill Maher was motioning to a producer when Humberto finally pulled a stick of something he called “Bambi jerky” out of his pocket. “Here ya go toots.” He quipped to the acting head of Fund For Animals. “No hormones or preservatives or mad cow in this little baby.”

A bit earlier, feminist-attorney Gloria Alred had been carried off the stage after suffering what paramedics termed an “Apoplectic seizure” after a ten-minute spasm of facial tics, awkward stutters and wild shrieks while trying to respond to questions. The camera finally turned and revealed the reason. The “Cuban-Cajun” author sat next to the famous feminist activist making obscene pinching motions while his eyebrows danced spastically. The whole while he made sucky-kissy sounds and repeatedly referee to Ms. Alred as “Mamasita.”

“Cuchi-Cuchi-Cuchi.” he’d been chirping off camera. “Why ya always scowling, hunh? Remember Scarlett O’Hara? She finally started smiling after that trip up the stairs…cuchi-cuchi-cuchi, Mamasita.”

Well folks…it wasn’t that much fun. But it was fun enough. Lew has a video-copy of the show. It ran on June 22. My book’s got em’ so worked up over in the Beltway and Left Coast that Bill (Maher) called and invited me back, for another round on Sept. 26. If any of ya’ll are awake a that time maybe you can tune in. Love to have ya…..take your shoes off… Ya’ll come back now.

Humberto Fontova [send him mail] is author of the highly recommended The Helldiver’s Rodeo.