LOS ANGELES (NAP) – Encouraged by the success of recent legislative efforts to control the laws of supply and demand for electricity, Gov. Gray Davis announced today the introduction of new changes to the laws of physics.

"We've been suffering too long at the hands of pin-headed scientists and engineers who can't think outside the box," Gov. Davis said to an enthusiastic crowd outside the UC Berkeley campus.

Gov. Davis blasted opponents who called the plan to regulate basic physics equations "insane" and "impossible." Responded Gov. Davis, "Remember the so-called economists who said that price controls lead to shortages, well, look who's laughing now!"

The new regulatory program is headed by one Professor Eugene u2018Skippy' Shepperson of UC Berkeley, who has been dubbed the Paul Krugman of electrical engineering.

"It's really quite astonishing. By fudging a couple coefficients and rearranging Ohm's law, and a couple other mandates, we can double the efficiency of our existing power plants with no environmental side effects. In fact, with no changes to the infrastructure at all. It's a real win-win situation," Skippy claimed.

The regulatory program consists of legislating a decrease in the resistive coefficient of copper and aluminum, commonly used in high tension wires.

"We should be able to considerably cut down on transmission losses with the new regulations. The computer models say that we shouldn't lose any electricity at all," Skippy commented in a speech before Gov. Davis took the podium.

Keys to the program include several changes to the famous R=V/I equation, the so-called Ohm's Law. Details are still forthcoming, as Skippy's address was cut short when his frantic hand waving injured three bystanders.

"I can't believe we let physics get away with being unregulated for so many years," declared Jeni Flowerpot of the California Not In Any Backyard Environmental Coalition. "We have some serious gripes with chemistry and biology, as well. If we can tinker with economics and physics, why the wait to get true pollution control and sexual equality?" asked the CNIABEC representative.

The new regulatory program would set an interesting precedent in the state that has given birth to many innovative legislative efforts.

"If this program is successful, we have plans to investigate the Second Law of Thermodynamics for antitrust violations," Gov. Davis continued to rousing applause. "Getting something for nothing is every Californian's right!"

Leading scientists in universities not located in California were skeptical, however.

"I want some of what Skippy's been smoking," stated Professor Sara Powell of Duke University in North Carolina. "You can't change the laws of nature when you don't like the results. Physics isn't Calvinball."

Gov. Davis and his supporters were not swayed in their support for Skippy and his new ideas in the field of electrical engineering.

"If this program does fail, we'll have only the greedy out of state electric companies to blame. Everybody knows that they rake in excessive profits when they don't sell electricity," Gov. Davis replied.

April 10, 2001

Peter Barrett is a born-again Southerner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.