You Can Sell Anything If The Price Is Right (Even Murderous, Military Hardware)

“Pssssst: I’ve got a terrific deal for you on a six-year-old Indian elephant. It’s a steal at a thousand dollars.”

“You can’t be serious. What would a city dweller possibly do with an elephant?”

“Tell you what. I’ll lower the price to $800 and include one year’s supply of hay.”

“This is ridiculous. I live in a three-room apartment in Berkeley and they don’t even allow a parakeet.”

“My final offer: Five hundred bucks and I’ll throw in a second elephant.”

“Two elephants for five hundred dollars?….It’s a deal but they both better be healthy and housebroken.”

News Item: American businessman Dennis Tito paid a $20 million fee to blast-off on a space shot aboard a Russian rocket. Tito’s fare amounted to more than a sixth of the Russian space program’s annual budget.

The media have made a big deal out of Tito’s expensive excursion. But it is well known that with the right connections in the Brighton Beach section of Brooklyn you can purchase an entire Russian infantry division or arrange to have former Soviet MIG fighter pilots as waiters for your next party. (Whatever deal you make, you’ll probably get cheated, or worse).

There is something deliciously perverse in seeing a major world government selling or renting their military paraphernalia to any and all customers. Some folks express panic at the mere thought of Russian weapons in the hands of “unaccountables”. Seems to me, that the risks are no greater than when the weapons are in the hands of government murderers with “legal sanction” (Ask Chechnya).

Given the inevitable bloating and corruption of all government enterprises, and the negative view Americans have of their intrusive, imperial government, it’s only a matter of time when the “For Sale” signs are rolled out on all US agencies, military and otherwise.

Here is a peek at a future GSA brochure advertising US Government products and services at bargain prices:

Christmas Gifts For The Man Who Has Everything

  • The man in your life will be delighted to receive three live Minuteman missiles ready to launch. (He needn’t worry about any “collateral damage” as he will be protected by the same exemption of responsibility enjoyed by the US Military). Price: $5 million (some history of family violence is useful.)
  • He will be thrilled to command the 82nd Airborne in any military exercise of his choice. To be used outside the US only. Price: $5 million (This is the favorite gift for those with strong, negative feelings toward some country somewhere)
  • How surprised he will be when he learns the aircraft carrier USS Yorktown is available for any purpose he desires: a wedding, confirmation or bar mitzvah. Price: $1 million (no Clinton-like parties allowed as we are still cleaning up the mess from the last one).
  • And to satisfy the darker side of your man’s personality, we will arrange for the IRS to “work over his enemies” (includes audits, threatening letters and asset confiscation.). Price: $1 million or simply provide the names of ten people you know who are not paying their fair share of taxes.
  • And if the man in your life has had a rough time of it lately, what better way to relieve tensions than to have him select a Supreme Court Justice to torture over a weekend. Price: $1 million

The GSA bargain offerings are not only for the rich. There are many fascinating gifts for the average American with a limited budget.

  • Wouldn’t he enjoy a week of Marine Corps basic training at Paris Island? Price: $1,000 (he might as well learn his killing skills from the best)).
  • For the pet lover, what could be more loving and useful than an aging, retired drug-sniffing dog from US customs? Price: $100 (Customs is not responsible if the dog you receive is an addict).
  • If it’s travel he likes, you can get him a trip to a disaster area of choice, courtesy of FEMA. Price: $1000 (Since Washington, D.C. is a constant disaster area, it is not eligible here.)
  • For those who seek adventure, you can be a FBI infiltrator. Choose from any organization: Act Up, Jewish Defense League, KKK, Southern Poverty League, and Price: $1000 (The infiltrator will feel right at home, as most of the organization members encountered are also FBI infiltrators.)
  • As a lifetime gift, you can have your loved one placed in the Witness Protection Program, and they will never be heard from again. Price: $5000 (Those already in the Witness Protection Program are not eligible).
  • For those who are homebound, we have a full array of videotapes featuring US military atrocities on four different continents. You will know the tapes are authentic, as the narrators are all recipients of Medals of Honor and Bronze Stars. Price: $50 (tapes are not to be used for political purposes.)
  • For those who appreciate humor, you can read the hilarious accounts of US citizens unwittingly exposed to experimental drugs administered by various US government agencies. Price: $50 (These are destined to be collector items).

Watch for our next exciting GSA Auction Catalog. Here’s your chance to buy government-owned land and national parks including Yosemite. If you are one of the successful bidders for Alcatraz, “you’ll really own a piece of the rock.”