• Presidential Acceptance Speech

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    With
    the mandate of the people behind me, I accept the challenge to work
    on your behalf for the next four years, to spend more money than
    I ever promised, to continue to feed the bankers billions of dollars
    of interest on the national debt via the Federal Reserve Bank and
    its collection agency, the Internal Revenue Service, so that you
    have to work five months of every year just to pay taxes. Remember,
    if we lower taxes and that spurs the economy, then the federal government
    still collects more money, so we always win and you always lose.

    I
    will launch a phony war during my four years to show foreign nations
    that we can "kick ass," and of course, to test our new
    weapons and show them off as scare tactics around the globe. And
    when we "win" the war without American casualties, it
    will create a legacy for my Presidential library.

    I
    will work to ensure our scientists have phony jobs launching space
    satellites and creating meaningless space stations.

    I
    will put more teachers in the classroom as a way of reducing the
    unemployment rate and I'll rig the scholastic tests so your kids
    appear to do better.

    I
    will oppose generic drugs so that the drug companies have more money
    to conduct research to create even more drugs that are ineffective,
    cause side effects and keep our hospital beds full, so that more
    doctors and nurses have jobs. I will rid the nation of dangerous
    herbal products like ginseng, ginkgo, and garlic capsules that have
    been proven to be ineffective and may be dangerous. I will implement
    a prescription drug program for seniors so they can die sooner from
    drug side effects, that now needlessly kill 274 Americans every
    day.

    I
    will raid any government stash of money and use it for any purpose,
    regardless of what it was intended for. I will continue to raid
    the Social Security system and declare our government has a surplus
    when it doesn't.

    I
    will uphold the honor of the Presidency. I won't be chasing any
    girls around the oval office. In the spirit of the times, I will
    propose the "Oval Office Cam," where citizens of the USA
    can look right in on all the events at the White House, including
    the breakfast room and the Lincoln bedroom.

    We
    will create a legacy, regardless of reality. We will do more to
    promote the status quo than previous administrations, and we will
    raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour, so you can pay $8 for a fast-food
    hamburger and $9 for a box of cereal.

    We
    will continue to manipulate government statistics, so that my Presidency
    will go down in the record books as a great Presidency. And I owe
    it all to you, the citizens of the United States. Thank you for
    this vote of confidence."

    Your
    President: _________________

    (To
    be filled in soon)

    November
    9, 2000

    Bill
    Sardi writes from Diamond Bar, California.

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