With the mandate of the people behind me, I accept the challenge to work on your behalf for the next four years, to spend more money than I ever promised, to continue to feed the bankers billions of dollars of interest on the national debt via the Federal Reserve Bank and its collection agency, the Internal Revenue Service, so that you have to work five months of every year just to pay taxes. Remember, if we lower taxes and that spurs the economy, then the federal government still collects more money, so we always win and you always lose.
I will launch a phony war during my four years to show foreign nations that we can "kick ass," and of course, to test our new weapons and show them off as scare tactics around the globe. And when we "win" the war without American casualties, it will create a legacy for my Presidential library.
I will work to ensure our scientists have phony jobs launching space satellites and creating meaningless space stations.
I will put more teachers in the classroom as a way of reducing the unemployment rate and I'll rig the scholastic tests so your kids appear to do better.
I will oppose generic drugs so that the drug companies have more money to conduct research to create even more drugs that are ineffective, cause side effects and keep our hospital beds full, so that more doctors and nurses have jobs. I will rid the nation of dangerous herbal products like ginseng, ginkgo, and garlic capsules that have been proven to be ineffective and may be dangerous. I will implement a prescription drug program for seniors so they can die sooner from drug side effects, that now needlessly kill 274 Americans every day.
I will raid any government stash of money and use it for any purpose, regardless of what it was intended for. I will continue to raid the Social Security system and declare our government has a surplus when it doesn't.
I will uphold the honor of the Presidency. I won't be chasing any girls around the oval office. In the spirit of the times, I will propose the "Oval Office Cam," where citizens of the USA can look right in on all the events at the White House, including the breakfast room and the Lincoln bedroom.
We will create a legacy, regardless of reality. We will do more to promote the status quo than previous administrations, and we will raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour, so you can pay $8 for a fast-food hamburger and $9 for a box of cereal.
We will continue to manipulate government statistics, so that my Presidency will go down in the record books as a great Presidency. And I owe it all to you, the citizens of the United States. Thank you for this vote of confidence."
Your President: _________________
(To be filled in soon)
November 9, 2000
Bill Sardi writes from Diamond Bar, California.