The Hell with Democracy, Let's Hire a King

Well, I’ve had enough. Democracy obviously doesn’t work. And niggling-piggling over how much of MY money idiotic politicians want to take so they can buy some old people drugs is witless pandering to huge pharmaceutical companies. Does it ever occur to those poltroons that maybe I’d rather spend my money on drugs for me rather than a bunch of ancient toothless wonders? I doubt that corruption could be more rampant in every political circle. And as for Bush and Gore? They both bore me. And I hate being bored.

So let’s hire us a king. Didn’t England at one point hire themselves a couple of Germans to monarch it over them? So there’s precedent for such a move, and it would shock the hell out of America and the world, which at least would save me and millions others from death from terminal boredom at the charade that American elections have become.

I think an Amish guy would be good. He wouldn’t want the job, probably, but maybe we could convince him. And I favor a Chechyan, too. I like the ferocity of those folks. Ideas, of course, are welcome. We could put ads in all the classifieds of every newspaper on the planet, asking for a male (no queens, please, unless there’s an Elizabeth I out there and I doubt it) with certain rulership/kingly qualities. All we’d have to do is decide what those kingly qualities might be, and then we could get on with the show.

This way, we could rid ourselves of that horridly expensive sham known as Congress, a useless blob of excrescence we could easily do without. And we could trash the entire judiciary while we’re at it. Who needs that whole shell-game anyway? When was the last time either Congress or the judiciary did anything for Americans that was worthwhile? Let’s ditch the entire thing.

I think America needs a king. The hell with letting the rabble and women vote — look at what they elect! Twice!

In the midst of one of the worst political seasons ever, I toss this idea out there for discussion. Frankly, before we head into rank, real communism, I think feudalism is an option we could at least discuss.


Patricia Sharon Neill is managing editor of a scholarly journal on the life and work of William Blake, the 18th-century artist and poet.