Although the share of GDP taken by vacation and leisure expenses has soared over the past two centuries, little has been done about this serious problem. Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts recently held a public inquiry that was convened to specifically address accusations of price gouging by the vacation industry. During her often emotional testimony, Ada Lemon, a single African-American mother of three, sobbed loudly as she described in painful detail how her family was forced to “put money aside” every week just so she and her children could afford to go to Disneyworld money that could have been spent on other things like tennis lessons and a DVD player. Horror stories just like hers were repeated over and over again as many of the sessions continued far into the evening.
After a meeting with administration vacation advisors, the Senator has declared the situation a crisis, and said that it’s time for the government to act decisively to bring down spiraling vacation costs. Speaking from the porch of his seaside family home on Martha’s Vineyard, where Kennedy was “investigating the problems of the North Atlantic fishing industry,” he said he wanted all Americans to be able to take regular vacations. He highlighted the vacation concerns of the poor:
Last year, 19% of all Americans could not afford to take a vacation. Amongst the poor and under-employed, the percentage was much higher close to 57%. Numerous studies have shown that vacations relieve stress and lead to lower medical costs down the road. To deny our poor access to such a fundamental human right is mean-spirited, to say the least. The fairness argument here is obvious. Even people who are poor deserve a vacation when they are a little stressed out. And the lack of vacations for the poor costs us economically when the stress eventually drives them to crime or drug or alcohol dependency. We must defeat naysayers, such as William Anderson, and pass legislation to correct this inequity.
Reached later by the pool at his compound in Florida, where he was “researching the Florida panther issue,” Kennedy explained further:
My plan, VacationCare, would establish regional vacation centers that have the power to approve visits to Government Amusement Sites. All tourist attractions would have to apply for a GAS license, or be ineligible for federal funds. Applications for vacation time would be approved on a need basis, and vacationers would be sent to the resort most able to handle the particular stress they face. For instance, someone suffering from sexual tensions in their marriage might be sent to Las Vegas, where they could forget their stress with one of Nevada’s high-class, legal prostitutes.
We next caught up with Kennedy at a friend’s ski chalet in the Colorado Rockies, where he was “conducting a study on the ecosphere of the North American mountain lion,” and asked him how spending would be controlled. He told us:
Total vacation spending would be controlled on a per region basis. If a region exceeded its cap, all further vacations scheduled that year would be canceled. The cost of vacations would be borne by employer mandates, which would require companies to pay most of the cost of vacations for their employees. The Justice Department would file ‘leisure suits’ against those who did not comply. The government would subsidize the cost of vacations for those who were unemployed or who worked for small companies.
When we reached Kennedy again, he was at the Washington, D.C. apartment of fellow Senator Christopher Dodd from Connecticut where they were “getting to the bottom of the issue of alcohol consumption during vacations.” We asked him if his plan’s restrictions would apply to the use of private vacation homes. The Senator responded: “Why, that would be un-American! We can’t restrict people’s freedom to use their own homes whenever they want to!”
Republicans swiftly countered Kennedy’s proposal. At a news conference covered by HGTV, Dennis Hastert recommended universal lawn care coverage. “If families’ lawns are healthier, they won’t need as many vacations, and will be happier staying at home and playing badminton.”
Speaking from the campaign trail, Al Gore immediately gave his blessing to Kennedy’s plan: “I feel the need for this legislation on a deep, personal level. I have an uncle who suffered a heart attack after the stress of working for six years just to pay for his last vacation. Ever since then, Tipper and I have been very interested in the whole vacation issue. In fact, although not many people know this, Tipper and I were the inspiration for National Lampoon’s Family Vacation.”
Government Amusement Sites (GASs)
Here is a list of the currently-approved U.S. government-sponsored amusement sites that you may choose for your guaranteed five-day pass (this level of vacation care does not require a visit to a primary vacation practitioner, and is guaranteed to each U.S. citizen at least once every two years):
- The Museum of the Vast Spandex Conspiracy: Tobacco Spit, South Carolina. Learn how the damn Yanks used Spandex to undermine the South’s cotton-based economy
- World’s Third Largest Ball of Twine: Tire Iron, Minnesota.
- The Tomb of Billy Carter: Plains, Georgia. Visit the amazing 250-foot high pyramid made entirely of unsold cans of Billy Beer.
- President James Garfield Assassination Site Memorial: Washington, D.C. train depot. Relive every one of the agonizing eighty days Garfield spent alive after he was shot. Watch videos of how his wound was repeatedly probed by his doctors’ unwashed fingers until the resulting infections killed him.
- Keanu Reeves Film Festival: Cleveland, Ohio. He’s genuinely curious and curiously genuine! He’s masculine and feminine; decisive and waffling; focused and goofy; crisp and turgid!
- Chicago Stockyard Tour: Chicago, Illinois. The sites, sounds, and smells that will stay with you for a lifetime.
- The Cafeterias of Microsoft: Redmond, Washington. The semiotic implications of post-industrial dining.
- The Museum of HomoErotic Art: Greenwich Village, New York. It’s genuinely curious and curiously genuine! It’s masculine and feminine; decisive and waffling; focused and goofy; crisp and turgid!
- The “Native Americans Got Screwed” Tour of the West. Tour fifteen Western sites where small pox blankets were passed out, treaties broken, and fire water distributed.
- The Nuclear Test Sites of the American Southwest. Experience a wasteland you’ve never even imagined. The sites, sounds, and smells that will stay with you for a lifetime.
July 31, 2000
Gene Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org, and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The Frumious Bandersnatch.
2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan