Michael Bloomberg, Mayor
Raymond W. Kelly, Police Commissioner
City of New York
Dear Mike and Ray,
I just want to congratulate you both for the fine way your troops handled those pesky women demonstrators at the U.S. U.N. Mission last Monday, March 6. They aren't known as "New York's finest" for nothing. Having the best wife-beaters on the force brutalize Cindy Sheehan and those other three unarmed peace protestors should show them and everybody else who's in charge here. Anybody who thinks they have rights of free speech or freedom of assembly in the greatest city in the world will think twice now. Ever since the Supreme Court appointed George Bush the POTUS, some people have been getting pretty mouthy about living in a "free country". They need to know that those days are over for good. We're in charge now – us PATRIOTS.
I know you won't admit it, but it was really clever of you to take the advice of that John Bolton guy and teach those hags a lesson they won't soon forget. I mean, let's face it, he may look like a walrus with a bad toupee, but he knows something about brutalizing women and how to get away with it. They never nailed him before he got the U.N. ambassadorship and he's on top of the diplo heap now. Sheehan's concussion, wrenched back and sprained right hand will make it clear to her that merely curling up in a fetal position is not going to stop the lesson. Next time, she thinks you'll kill her. Be sure to do it so it's not as obvious as last week's beating – and keep the press and those damn peace rag photogs out of sight.
If Ray plays his cards right, King George might just appoint him to take over Homeland Security soon. (No immigrant skeletons in your closet I hope, Ray?) Things are getting pretty hot with the FEMA Gulf Coast disaster looking worse and worse and that Michael Jerkoff can't last much longer. The Bushies will be tossing him out the back of the sled pretty soon. And, Mike, I'm sure there's something in it for you. After all, George prizes loyalty to him over everything else – and especially now that he has the Patriot Act to keep track of everybody that the NSA can't tap. Just keep praising the numbwit; he'll lap it up. But, be careful, please. Sheehan's been a thorn in George's side since last August and I bet he's already called to thank you for taking care of her so good. Just don't remind him that you made a lot of money in business before you got into the government racket without Daddy's help.
Yours for a New American Century (kudo to Bolton there; be sure to show him this letter, I gotta eat too),
Sam
March 13, 2006
