Inanimate Objects At My House
years now Iíve listened to TV talking heads, NPR, socialist politicians,
soccer moms, UN fascists, and other idiots tell me about "gun
violence." Now, I know for a fact that my own guns are not
particularly violent at the moment. The only violence Iíve seen
out of them recently was a great shot at a penny at 100 yards, and
that was just the Ruger .22. The Winchester 12 gauges havenít done
squat latelyómostly because they consider me just too damn small,
sneering at me behind my back: "Little idiot canít handle us
big boys. She oughta get something she CAN shoot."
the guns are quiescent, at least in terms of violence. But in terms
of bragging? You oughta hear them! They LOVE being the center of
attention! Hell, you ainít seen such braggadocio since Daniel Boone
laid down his last brag!
the anti-gunners donít know is that all my inanimate objects are
near revolt since the media harp and twitch ONLY on the guns. Report
after reportóand itís gone directly to the gunsí heads. The other
objects are furiously jealous at the fame the guns are getting,
while the guns only make things worse with their puffed headed bluster.
Trouble is not only brewing, it is beginning to boil!
the Louisville Slugger by the front door. Thatís where he wants
to be, so thatís where he is. He sez he will beat the everliviní
crap out of anyone who bothers me on his turf. I can appreciate
that protective nature of hisóhe is one hardwood sumbitch. But now
heís grumbling and complaining. "Damn guns getting all the
press. Hell, the press donít even know Iím HERE," sez he.
Estwing hammer who lives by the back door is just as protective
and just as pissed off about the gun thing. "Damnation! Iíll
CROWN anyone who bugs you coming in at this entrance! Iíll pound
them just like I do your thumb and worse iffen they try it! Whereís
MY glory, dammit! Damn guns have had 15 YEARS of infamyóI want at
least my 15 minutes."
And those are just a few of Ďem. Can you imagine what the boomerang
is saying? I can imagine, but Iíve never been able to understand
its Aussie accent. And the Egyptian bedouin knife that lives under
my pillowóbloodcurdling Arabic curses are keeping me awake at night.
I canít understand Arabic, but it sure sounds like it wants to disembowel
and decapitate somethingóprobably the Winchesters. (Hmmmmmmmmm.)
the intelligensia are in on it: the Globe Complete Shakespeare,
the Websterís Unabridged and the Britannica (combined they weigh
a TON) are conspiring in whispers to leap off the shelf and brain
anything in the vicinityówhich will probably be me!
the silverware drawer I hear an incredible racket and some squeaky
gutter French, "Va foutre!" "Batard!" "Tu
vache!" "En garde!" Damn knives are brawling again.
headache grows apace.
from under the sink danced the box of Rat Poison, swaggering around
with its chest out, claiming that it really IS dangerousóI sighed
and kicked its ass back into the cupboard.
then thereís the damn microwave. It thinks it can probably blow
stuff up (it can, it has, but I ainít telling it that). And
even the GE Iron wants to get into the act. "Iím gonna get
medieval on yor ass . . ."
UP RIGHT NOW, Objects!" sez me. "Iíve had ENOUGH! Everyone
just hush up and settle down or Iíll set the damn house on fire.
I WANT PEACE AND QUIET IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
cacophony gradually died to a dull roar, then to a low-level murmur.
better," I sniffed.
I wish NPR would shut up about the guns. Arenít they aware of the
trouble theyíre causing? Not just in my houseóeveryone else must
be having this trouble too!
can see the chaos this totally unfair "gun violence" thing
is creating among my objects. It is driving them all nuts, and I
canít tell you what it is doing to me. It is, as polite Southerners
would put it, making me "nervous."
are never tidy. This one is gonna be a real bitch.
Patricia Neill is managing editor of a scholarly journal on the
life and work of William Blake, the 18th-century artist
© 2000 by Patricia