Missing WMDs? Clouseau is On the Case

by Richard Cummings

It is a large living room with a fire place. Inspector Clouseau has assembled the suspects. He speaks:

Clouseau: "Well, what is it zat we know? First, ze WMDs are missing. Second, someone has stolen zem. Third, zat person is here, in zis room"

Contessa Rice: "Inspector Clouseau, are you insinuating that someone here, in this room, took the WMDs?"

Clouseau: "Hmmmmm. Zat would appear to be the case, no? Unless…"

Baron von Wolfowitz: " Unless vat? Ve have things to do, Herr Inspector. If you have no evidence, you must let us leave."

Clouseau: "A ha! Now we are getting somewhere. Unless zere never was any WMDs in ze first place. But no one here thinks zat, no?"

Viscount Rumsfeld: "Look here, my dear fellow. Why would any of us steal the WMDs? We need those WMDs or we’re all bloody liars."

Clouseau: "Hmmmm. It could be. It could be."

Dr. Perle: "Look, here’s a solution. Why don’t we all look for the WMDs? I’ll take the basement, the Viscount will take the attic, Contessa Rice will take the bedrooms, and the butler will look everywhere else."

Butler Powell: "I know this place inside out, Yes, we have no WMDs, we have no WMDs today!"

Clouseau: "Zis is no laughing matter. Without the WMDs, there is no case. Zis must be investigated to confirm that no one has lied. Otherwise, everything is illegal. Ze war is illegal, no?"

Professor Cheney: "It would be useless. As long as we are still looking for the WMDs, there is no point invesetigating to see if someone lied about their existence."

Clouseau: "You are trying to confuse me. My mind is made up. I will conduct the ze investigation to see is someone is lying, while ze rest of you will look for ze WMDs."

Clouseau reaches for a poker from the fire and screams. Enter Tex, with six guns and a missile in his head coming out of both ears.

Tex: "Hey, you dumb frog, I got the WMDs right here. Case closed."

He points to his head.

Clouseau: "A ha! You cannot fool me. Zat is not a WMD. Zat is a bad joke, you know. You are under arrest. Kato, take him a way."

Kato starts to handcuff him.

Tex, pulling his guns: "Not so fast. I’m out’a here."

Tex bolts but Clouseau, waving the poker, hits him in the head. Tex falls down.

Clouseau: "Chief Inspector Dreyfus will be ecstatic. He can transfer me to the United Nations weapons inspectors. Let no stone be unturned. Zat is my motto."

The Pink Panther winks.

The End.

June 10, 2003

Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper – Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.

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