The Return of Libertarian Neologisms

by Wilton D. Alston
by Wilton D. Alston

"Obeausity: The theory that it would be easier to change our definition of beauty than to lose weight."

~ from UrbanDictionary.com

Some time ago, I submitted my suggestions for a few libertarian neologisms. I also petitioned readers to send me suggestions for other ones. By way of a brief refresher, here are a few of the ones I came up with:

Apalogetic: The act of being such a great friend as to be sorry for something someone else did to you, e.g., "Harry Whittington was apalogetic after being shot by the Vice President."
Dooferment: Avoiding military service because you’re stupid or for unimaginably transparent reasons, e.g., "You mean you got five dooferments by entering a different college every time you could have been drafted? Nice!"
Unhaling: Smoking something without actually, you know, smoking it, e.g., "Clinton is famous for unhaling during his supposed only attempts to spark up the chronic."
Greenback Emissions: Slang for the smell rising off the cash people make from the anthropogenic global warming scam, e.g., "As chairman of Generation Investment Management, Al Gore’s financial holdings are starting to give off some substantial greenback emissions!"
Terraphobiosity: The practice of using the threat of terrorist attacks to keep the sheeple in line, e.g., "Politicians have long been practitioners of terraphobiosity, but this President takes it to high art."
Overbyte: A condition caused when a person gets too much "news" from simplistic sound bytes on network television, e.g., "Stan used to be conversant in world affairs, but now he seems to be stricken with overbyte; he only cares about Paris Hilton."
Smirkism: One of the banal justifications President Bush gives either before or after one of his (patented) smirks, e.g., <smirk> "We have to fight them over there, so we don’t have to fight them here." <smirk> (The smirkism is the sentence in-between!)

Reader Submissions

Strictly speaking, not all of these are actually neologisms, but they are still pretty funny, and very descriptive as well.

I figured the loyal readers of LRC would come up with a few good ones, and I was far from disappointed. I caution you to not be drinking coffee while reading these. Consider yourself warned.

Algoraphobia (noun): An exaggerated fear of the outside world rooted in the belief that one might spontaneously combust due to global warming.

Anusocracy (noun): The use of political strategy that appears to have been obtained from a rather, well, unexpected repository.

Banish (adj): Inclined to disallow or ban anything that might be useful or fun, e.g., "His religion gave him a banish personality."

Borderline (noun): A short, punchy, quotable remark made about immigration by a politician; usually delivered at the border between the U.S. and Mexico.

Chenie (noun): The mythical figure that pops out when a neocon rubs a magic lamp.

Chenius (noun): One whose dumb ideas are consistently hailed as brilliant.

Christafarian (noun): A social conservative so detached from reality due to his myopic religious fundamentalism, that one is convinced he's been smoking something.

Climbatologist (noun): An investigator of the environmental effects of taking the stairs instead of the elevator. (Hopefully this will be Al Gore’s next cause.)

Electile Dysfunction (noun): The inability of a political party to field a candidate worth getting excited about. (Unlike that other dysfunction, this one can typically be treated with common liquor.)

Evangungelist (noun): A person who thinks Jehovah is Hebrew for United States Armed Forces.

FEMAnist (noun): A person who believes all natural dangers, social ills, and economic problems can be prevented, cured or resolved by the promises of the government and its agencies.

Hall-Marxist (noun): A person who cloaks his authoritarian socialism in feel-good, cozy phrases, such as "protecting children" and "social justice."

Homogreeneity (noun): The myth that the scientific community has reached a consensus that: (1) the planet is experiencing an unprecedented period of warming; (2) it is dangerous; (3) it is man-made; and, (4) government regulation and increased bureaucracy is the only appropriate response.

Ignoronus (noun): A pollster, talking head or radio personality who deliberately omits Ron Paul from any political discourse or dismisses Mr. Paul's candidacy altogether, e.g., "Stevie Wonder could see that Hannity is a real ignoronus."

Imminent Tomain (noun): The reality that with governmental organizations looking after one’s health and welfare it’s only a matter of time until you become sick or poisoned due to their incompetence.

Incompetense (noun): The stress felt as one waits for the government’s next boneheaded move.

Jethrite (noun): A social climber who endorses trendy causes in hopes of ingratiating himself with perceived social elites. (This term is derived from the character Jethro, from "The Beverly Hillbillies" TV show, who was known to triumphantly say, generally after some utter stupidity, "I ain’t a hick like the rest of my kin. I’m sophisticated.")

Labertarian (noun): A person who insists that all attempts at liberty or anarcho-capitalism must be proven in a laboratory before they can be used to free the victims of statism at large.

Lobertarian (noun): A person highly in favor of a government that casually delivers copious quantities of munitions – generally via air-strikes – into other countries.

Lubertarian (noun): A person who favors a political system that is highly dependent on bribery or other morality-reducing lubricants.

Mextermination (noun): The apparent goal of some of the more desperate closed-border types.

Minimperialist (noun): A person who believes in a very limited empire.

Neoconsensus (noun): Unity generated by a bogus cry against terror, under a blanket of state-sponsored security, e.g., "The phrase, ‘If you're not with us, you're with the terrorists!’ is intended to drive neoconsensus."

Olberload (noun): The result of watching too much of MSNBC's 'Countdown' with Keith Olbermann. (But anyone who can so successfully and so often pistol-whip O’Reilly deserves to be popular!)

Proctician (noun): A cross between a proctologist and politician. Acts obsessively to snoop, sift, and sniff into every nook, cranny and orifice of private citizens. Believes every action and transaction should be subject to taxation and regulation. Feels property may be owned by individuals, given proper permits and other statist whatnottery, but also believes government should dictate how the property may be used.

Properganda (noun): Information, typically gathered by simply reading press releases, that has been approved for wide distribution to the US public by the mainstream media.

Rudycule (verb): The use of a derisive remark, intended to cause contemptuous laughter towards anyone suggesting that US foreign intervention and militarism abroad may cause blowback.

Subcity (noun): An urban hell created by a misguided application of government funds, e.g., "The best way to create a subcity is to pay people for personally negligent behavior."

Taxiway (noun): Any road leading to a state or federal capital.

Terrorgasm (noun): A frightful feeling generated by bogus scares and terror warnings. Similar to that experienced by 8-year-olds while telling ghost stories to each other in the dark by the light of a single flashlight.

The FOX Trotsky (noun): The dance craze that starts with a twirl on the far left toward busybody-hood, followed by a jump to the right towards aggressive militarism, and finishes with a (political) spin of praise for the War on Terror.

Conclusion

Use these in good health! I’m looking forward to sprinkling these in subsequent essays, so you might want to keep this list handy. Again, thanks to all who submitted ideas.

November 7, 2007

Wilt Alston [send him mail] lives in Rochester, NY, with his wife and three children. When he’s not training for a marathon or furthering his part-time study of libertarian philosophy, he works as a principal research scientist in transportation safety, focusing primarily on the safety of subway and freight train control systems.

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