Bad Mojo for Sarkozy

by Tom Chartier
by Tom Chartier

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The good citizens of France have been issued a stern warning from the French courts. Owners of Nicolas Sarkozy Voodoo dolls are not to stab them with pins!

I’m serious. This was a statement by the French appeals court.

Just to save you all from the extra work of clicking on a link, which may not work for long, here is the story in its entirety (don’t worry, it’s short) from the Associated Press:

"PARIS – A French appeals court says Voodoo dolls of President Nicolas Sarkozy may remain on sale, but must carry a notice saying that pricking them harms the president’s dignity.

Sarkozy’s attorney had asked that the dolls be withdrawn from sale, saying the president like any French person owns the right to his own image.

The appeals court backed an earlier ruling allowing the dolls to stay on the market in the name of freedom of expression.

But it ordered the doll’s marketer, publishing house K&B Editions, to add a warning that using the needles which come with the kits ‘constitutes an attack on the personal dignity of Mr. Sarkozy.’

‘Nicolas Sarkozy: The Voodoo Manual’ costs euro12.95 ($16.50) and includes a handbook and 12 pins."

God forbid anyone should offend the dignity of the France’s Top Dubya Clone! Sarkozy is more than capable of offending his dignity all by his lonesome! He doesn’t need any help from anyone. At least the French court didn’t harpoon freedom of speech and humor. But can you imagine the French telling the French they should not be insulting? Man, that’s like telling Americans they have to wear suits and ties to the NASCAR races. If it’s unacceptable to insult someone’s dignity in France what’s the point in being French? Am I going to have to change my name because of this?

I am highly offended. As a resident of the Caribbean I take my voodoo seriously. Don’t tell me I cannot stick pins in my Sarkozy Voodoo Doll! And that goes for my Dubya Voodoo Doll, Cheney Voodoo Doll, Rumsfeld Voodoo Doll, John McCain Voodoo Doll, Joe Lieberman Voodoo Doll, Robert Gates Voodoo Doll, Rahm Emanuel Voodoo Doll, etc., etc., etc. I’ve got a whole closet full of voodoo dolls and they are not Christmas tree ornaments! Okay… well maybe they are. But they are going to be chock full of pins just like always!

What does the French appeals court think voodoo dolls are anyway, air fresheners?

How absurd can you get? It’s okay to buy a Nicolas Sarkozy Voodoo Doll, complete with le manuel vaudou (which I’m sure instructs the purchaser to poke the pins into the doll) and 12 stickpins. But the manufacturer is required to include a warning… as if the purchaser had no clue… that jabbing a stuffed Sarkozy was an insult to Sarkozy’s dignity? Well DUH! That’s what it’s for! What a bunch of merde de singe!

Are the French Scrooges trying to take the joy out of the holiday season? Just think of the look of disappointment on the faces of little Jean Luc, Jean Mark, Laurent and Pierre when they are warned not to lance their new Sarkozy Voodoo Dolls with the supplied lances.

I say it is time for another French Revolution! Vive le France! The time is now for more rioting in the streets, a favorite French pastime of which I am quite proud of, being of French ancestry. I’m telling you there is some bad mojo going down when the freedom to practice voodoo is infringed upon by one of the nations that prides itself on freedom.

Fortunately, I don’t live in France. I can impale my Sarkozy Voodoo Doll with any implement I choose… free of guilt. And so can you! I’m sure most French citizens can do it guilt free too.

The fact is, now that the French courts have ordered the manufacturer to include a warning, I have no doubt Sarkozy Voodoo Dolls will be spearheaded by penetrating sales. These things are likely to be more popular than Pet Rocks, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Beanie Babies and Billy Beer combined! Well… in France at least.

And let’s be fair. Aren’t voodoo dolls in fact great stress relievers? Why, they rank right up there with Prozac, Xanax, Stone Brewing Ruination IPA, an hour spent at the firing range and fixing your computer with a Louisville Slugger.

I had to make my voodoo dolls out of scratch. But it sure would have been simpler if some clever entrepreneur had been cranking out Dubya Voodoo Dolls these past eight years. Think what that might have done for the economy!

Forget these corporate bailout schemes! Let’s make some voodoo dolls and inject some life into our economy!

We could custom make our voodoo dolls. Pick your favorite "elected official," appointed crony, warmonger or investment advisor then stab and jab to your heart’s content. It will probably do wonders for your blood pressure and give your outlook a shot in the arm. And the Good Lord knows your "representatives" will never get the point if you only needle them with letters and petitions.

I say let the bad mojo roll and go for the voodoo!

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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