We all do it – and that includes the cops who spend their days giving ustickets for doing it. Of course, they enjoy legal impunity to speed as much as they like, as often as they like. “Speed” only “kills,” it seems, when one is not wearing a special costume.
At any rate, since we all drive faster than the posted speed limit, at least occasionally – even Clovers – it seems right and proper that we do what we can to avoid being dunned for doing it. And feel no moral guilt about practicing such avoidance. Our ancestors felt no moral guilt about doing their damnedest to ignore the Volstead Act – and avoid the clutches of the “Prohees” (Prohibition enforcers) and today almost everyone agrees it was the right thing to do. The idea of cuffing and stuffing someone for having a beer seems both clownish and evil at the same time. Someday, hopefully, issuing speeding tickets (while speeding all day yourself, in official costume) will be regarded with equal contempt.
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Meanwhile, we must do what we can.
As a professional speeder who has learned some hard lessons and (I think) acquired some feral cunning as a result, I herewith share with you my Tips for running under the radar:
* If you decide to speed you should first decide whether you are going to do it a little bit – or a lot.
If a little, the key to “getting away with it” is – above all else – to do it in company. On any given road, most cars are operating at 5-10 over the Posted Speed Limit (PSL). This is due to the fact that almost all PSLs are deliberately under-posted, for the express purpose of turning almost every driver into a potential provider of “revenue” for the county/state. This is well-known. If PSLs were set such that they conformed withreasonable speeds, most people would no longer be “speeders” – and the revenue stream would decline to a trickle. Can’t have that. Hence the unwritten rule that all PSLs must be set below the bar, to put drivers in the Catch 22 of either driving at teeth-aching, ludicrously slow velocities, transforming them into vehicular arterial plaque and opening them up to screams of abuse from fellow motorists … or “speeding” – and thereby opening themselves up to a fleecing.
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The best course is the middle course. Neither too slow – nor too fast. Slide into the midst of the pack. Avoid, when possible, being the lead car. Do you know what “walking point” is? In the Army one soldier – a very unlucky soldier – would be selected to lead a line of soldiers as they made their way forward into enemy country. This was the guy who took the first bullet – and the same will happen to you if you are foolish enough to lead a group of speeders. Whether it’s radar or laser, the cop behind the gun will draw a bead on the leader, even if everyone’s speeding.
He can only pull one car over at a time. Why should it be you?
But – and here’s where it gets tricky – do not be the last guy in line, either. If a group of speeders sails by a cop running radar, he will gave chase and come up behind you – if you’re the guy at the tail end. Unless the leader was going obviously faster than the rest – or driving a cop-provoking kind of car (more on that shortly) his lazy porcine proclivity will be to pull over the first car he gets behind. Which will be you, if you’re bringing up the rear. Remember: It’s all about money. And yours is just as green as the leader’s. The cop doesn’t care, usually. He just wants to make quota. By running in the middle of the pack, you vastly increase your odds of “getting away with
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it.” This is the same tactic, incidentally, used by smart herd animals in Africa to avoid being the one eaten by a lion. Take the hint.
*If you speed a lot, pick your moment wisely.
Extreme speeding – which in these weird times means literally (because legally) anything in excess of 20 MPH faster than the PSL – no matter how absurdly low the PSL – can bring felonious consequences. In my state (Virginia) it is “reckless” driving to travel 81 MPH on a highway with a PSL of 70. Because in my state any speed in excess of 80 MPH anywhere is – automatically – defined as “reckless.” Same goes for 56 in a PSL 35 zone, even if 35 is preposterous and traffic flows at 45-50.
Be aware of such laws, for openers. Many people are not and have no clue until they find out – the hard way – by the side of the road.
It is worth a momentary segue here to make the point that these idiotic “reckless” driving laws encourage genuinely reckless driving. Because they serve as a strong incentive to make a run, to try to get away. Why not? What have you got to lose? If you pull over, having been targeted for driving say 83 MPH (just slightly faster than the flow of traffic when the PSL is 70) you face ruinous consequences, including the very real possibility of jail time. This is no joke, for people with jobs. Which you stand to lose – along with your license. Plus lots and lots of money. Thousands in fines, lawyer bills and quadrupled insurance premiums for years to come. The thought
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naturally occurs: Maybe I should just go for it. A steely-nerved and highly skilled operator can choose this course and not cause problems for anyone (“the law” be damned). Most cops are not particularly adept wheelmen and the cars they drive are generally mediocre. If you know what you’re doing – and have the right tool (and the situation is favorable; you must have “the drop” on the cop) then going for it can be a smart bet. A few moments of sheer terror ending in orgiastic bliss once you know you’re in the clear. There is nothing to compare with doing the Duke Boys on Roscoe, especially when “Roscoe” isn’t the basically decent fellow TV Roscoe was but is instead a buzzcut thug who’d have been at home in the SS-Sturmbrigade Dirlewanger who will enjoy making you suffer if he catches up with you.
Imagining such a squealer’s frustrated fury can make one smile for months. Trust me, I know.
But the ordinary Joe – not a veteran of the track, a Disciple of The High Church d’ Bondurant – and lacking the necessary nerve and concentration? Such a person – operating on fear and adrenaline – can become a genuine menace. All because of a trumped-up charge, with sanctions entirely disproportionate to the offense.
But what about the truly extreme forms of speed? The real stuff; not technicalities. Serious velocity? Such is best done in short, furtive bursts. You should pick your moment – and your place. It is one thing to briefly rock up to 167 on an empty stretch of very straight road, with great sight lines. One you know really well; all the dips and irregularities – that hidden driveway from which an old lady in an ’87 LeSabre might creep out but which you are confident she won’t do because you know the old lady only goes out every once in awhile and usually not early Sunday mornings. What you want is to cut the odds of a horrible death down to something reasonable.
