President Bush Reports Visitation by Four Ghosts
THE AFFILIATED PRESS
Reported by Adam Young
by Adam Young
The visitation reportedly occurred at several points throughout the early morning before dawn, with the president claiming that each of the four brought him a message relating to his role in the world and the future course of humanity.
The president, confiding to several aides, this reporter has learned, described the first presence, which Mr. Bush could not name or recognize, as a crowned figure holding a bow and riding a white horse. The president reportedly asked him who he was, and the presence replied, "Do you not recognize me? I am your partner lo' these many years, my son. I come out conquering and to conquer."
The president told his advisors that this figure said to him: "I come bearing a revelation, my son. Don't change, you are doing well. But tonight you will be visited by my three allies, who visit you this day to strengthen your resolve in this time of love and mercy towards your fellow man.
"Hey, if they're anything like my coalition of the willing, you're in trouble, y'know what I'm sayin' or what?" Mr. Bush reports he said.
"George... remember... mercy and love are for the weak. And you have done so well, my boy, by not demonstrating a hint of compassion for the weak and the innocent that you have so wonderfully killed without remorse. We come to tell you: Don't stop now."
The president is reported to have repeated this conversation to his confidantes in hushed, reverent tones.
Mr. Bush asked the figure if he had seen his works in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"We were there the whole time," said the presence. "No rest, no peace. I suffer under the incessant torture of constant warfare against the false god worshipped by man."
"'You can travel fast?" the president is reported to have asked.
"On the wings of the wind," replied the being, 'like your mighty armed forces."
Mr. Bush reportedly repeatedly returned to his claim that this being referred to him as "his son" which Mr. Bush took as further evidence of his divine origins. "I'm thinking that guy coulda' been God, since George W. is clearly the Fist of Heaven." Whether the president really believed it was evidence of his own or whether it referred to the unnamed being's divine origins is not clear at this time.
"He showed me a multitude of people and said I had liberated them from their wretchedness and ended their miserable lives. And I thought, yup, that's George W., the liberator. Too bad I didn't think of getting a head count. I coulda used that info for my memoirs. Setting all those people free. That's me. Now because of me they can get on buildin' new lives in a new Iraq. Its good to be a good man, I say."
The second being, who Mr. Bush this time told his aides he believed was the Ghost of Christmas Past, arrived at 1:00 AM and was described as brandishing a large sword and sitting upon a bright red horse. This unnamed manifestation reportedly transported the president to the locations of Mr. Bush's military triumphs in Baghdad and Tikrit. "Hot dog," the president reportedly exclaimed when told where they were going. The entity reportedly reminisced with Mr. Bush about his past wars for what appeared to the president as quite a long time, as the being enjoyed delving into the wars in great detail. Reportedly, it wanted detailed descriptions of the fighting and slaughtering, but Mr. Bush told it that he really didn't know, as he wasn't really present for all the "dirty business" as the president called the actual fighting. This second ghost conducted Mr. Bush back to his bedroom in time for the arrival of the third apparition.
This third phantom who arrived at 2:00 AM, and which Mr. Bush believes was the Ghost of Christmas Present, he described as holding a pair of scales and riding a black horse. Remembering the old Dickens classic, the president informed his aides that he expected a prosperous abundance of food and goods; "turkeys, geese, poultry, great joints of meat, suckling-pigs, long wreaths of sausages, mince-pies, plum-puddings, barrels of oysters, red-hot chestnuts, cherry-cheeked apples, juicy oranges, luscious pears, immense cakes and seething bowls of punch, holly, mistletoe, red berries, ivy, pies, puddings, and fruit." But none of it was there. Instead his vision was all barren and gray. The president described the sky as gloomy, and the streets were choked up with a dingy sooty mist and filled with dead and dying bodies, half thawed, half frozen. A thick dust blew in from the empty fields. And Federal Reserve Notes blew in the streets like discarded newspaper and dried, dead leaves.
"You have never seen the like of me before!" exclaimed the Spirit.
"Your sure we've never met? Cause, y'know, my memory's not so good up until about the time I turned forty." Bush says he replied.
Sources say Mr. Bush said to the ghost, "Say, you look kinda thin. Y'all should come down to Crawford for some of that Texas eatin'. You're always welcome at the Little White House. I'm with the government, so I get first pickin's with anything I want, y'know. Su Casa Es Mi Casa, hombre. Or is that Mi Casa Es Su Casa? I forget. Ah well."
The spirit transported Mr. Bush to what the president believed was an obscure, remote room or office that contained a mountain of papers and documents.
"This is the black hole that is your budget" the spirit said, "You are consuming and destroying the capital of your country at a prodigious pace that we have not seen since the last of the pharaoh's. May you continue until ruin. Fill the prisons. Tax and spend. Expand the welfare and warfare state. Inflate. You are doing our work."
"Thanks!" Mr. Bush says he exclaimed. "But why is everything so bleak? I'm bringing prosperity, peace and freedom to Americans."
But the spirit gave no answer, Mr. Bush reported as he returned to await the fourth apparition.
The fourth being arrived at 3:00 AM. Mr. Bush described him as riding a pale green horse and believes he was the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Mr. Bush claims he remarked to the specter "Say, you look kinda pale. There's lotsa sun down in Texas." But the specter just gestured towards the horizon. "What's wrong? Say, for a ghost you don't talk much, do you?"
Mr. Bush retold how the ghost revealed visions of the future wars of the War on Terror and the paradise humanity will enter when the wars are completed. "He showed fields and fields of dead bodies — men, women and children — as far as the eye can see. So you know what I learned? We're gonna have victory," the president told his staff, "but only if I win reelection. I got the feeling these spirits know that I am indispensable to the war and the future of the Earth, but the last one didn't say so in so many words. Actually, he didn't really say anything."
"And now come to think of it, he had a lot of pale, skinny people behind him, crowd seemed to stretch on forever. Those guys didn't look too good, either. Sorta pale and skinny lookin'. Boy, those poor buggers looked like hell I tell ya. They coulda used some of that Texas barbecue. Maybe I'll invite 'em down to Crawford when I see 'em again."
Sources report that his staff was somewhat concerned at the content of Mr. Bush's revelations and advised him to not repeat them in public, especially the part about being of divine origin.
The president reportedly replied that "they mentioned Christmas a lot, so I guess they're good Christians, like me.... Or maybe I mentioned Christmas, I forget. Maybe they all coulda' been from out west 'cuz they all rode horses. Or now I'm thinkin' maybe they were the three wise men from the Bible. And now they come to me. Whatever, I know that I'm doing the work of the Lord. God sent those guys, for sure. The Lord doesn't misunderestimate George W. Actually, now I remember something. The first visitor told me that a Great Serpent is coming, that the prayers of my supporters are helping speed its way. That the End of the World is nearing."
"I said to him 'no sir, not with George W. in this office. Me and the boys are ending evil to stop the Lebanese and the Grecians from ending the world with new-cue-lar weapons. Ol' George W. is fightin' the good fight against evil.' Then he said he was pleased that Osama and I both had gotten the talking points down so well. I wondered what he meant by that, but then I kinda interrupted him by asking if this serpent had a name. A serpent's like a snake, right? And those boa constrictors are snakes, I think, so I was thinking I would give it a nickname, y'know like I give everybody. So I said, I can't really think of a nickname for you Master, but I was thinking I'd call the Great Serpent Julius Squeezer. Then I interrupted him again by asking if his horse had a name. Y'know, if I had a horse, I'd name him Kegger! Y'know... for old times sake. Y'know what I mean? I guess I shouldn't have cut him off. That mighta been important. Oh well. Condie can figure it out. Y'think he mighta meant I was ending world terrorism, 'cause that sounds right to me, right?"
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December 29, 2003