Why We Need an Asteroid Strike
by Fred Reed
by Fred Reed: Fred
to Save Planet
I reckon that what we need is an asteroid strike. I dont know
how to start an asteroid, but Im going to think about it.
I see it as a matter of social responsibility.
are like people in that they get old, clot, lose flexibility, and
then croak. They cant get better. Like most things, they just
get worse. A rule of thermodynamics says that rivers dont
flow backwards, plaque does not voluntarily leave arteries, and
governments do not become more reasonable, efficient, or interested
in the well-being of their populations.
is that a government needs money, typically to do badly what it
shouldnt be doing in the first place, so Congress passes tax
laws. These may at first inadvertently be simple, comprehensible,
and tolerably light. Then the unscrupulous, and bureaucrats, who
would be unscrupulous if they had the intelligence, discover that
it is easier to have the government drain money from the people
and give it to the sharpers than it is to work for a living. Taxes
grow heavier to feed the growing number of trough-feeders.
who actually pay the taxes grow weary of playing udder to innumerable
ticks and invent ingenious ways to avoid the taxation. Each new
dodge inspires Congress to pass a new and more complex law to prevent
people from keeping their money. Humans are ingenious when they
feel someone elses hand in their pockets. Thus regulations
grow like kudzu on a Georgia road cut until you have three hundred
shelf-feet of impenetrable law that no one understands, even the
government. This is good for the ticks because when law metamorphoses
into mysticism, the shifty can find loopholes. Meanwhile every special
interest on the planet bribes Congress, which amounts to an inexplicably
exalted garage-sale, to pass laws exempting the special interest.
The result is an unworkable thicket infested with vipers, leeches,
and hag fish. Hello.
not sure that hag fish infest thickets. They may, though.
There is no
way to fix the thing because too many people are employed in mismanaging
this legal linguini, or profit from sweetheart deals bought from
it. Coagulation works only in one direction.
space program. In 1957 the Russians put a sort of metallic grapefruit
into orbit that said beep-beep-beep. No country can hope to survive
that lets another country say beep-beep-beep to it, so the government
built a vast buzz-cut technical bureaucracy to go to the moon. It
turned out that nothing was there but rocks, and we already had
lots. To keep the contracts flowing to aerospace industries which
now depended on space, we built a space ship, which we barely had
any use for, and then the International Space Station, which we
dont need at all. It is just orbital arterial sludge.
not sure why we went into space at all. Theres nothing there.
I mean, thats how you know its space.
is yet another example of a frozen national joint. We had a gret
biggun after WWII which immediately clotted into the Pentagon which,
if countries could have rheumatoid arthritis, it would be. A geometric
embolism. We have it because we had it, not because we need it.
If we want to deal China a staggering blow, we can just shutter
are we buying groovy new fighter-bombers, each of which costs more
than Manhattan? We dont have any military enemies, so plain
old boring F16s are perfectly adequate for what the military really
does, which is to butcher defenseless peasants. We are buying the
whizzy bangy new birds because we always have bought them, and cant
stop. Too many jobs at stake, pokketa pokketa.
mind is frozen in amber, or perhaps solidified napalm, but anyway
it cant move. Obviously manned military aircraft are well
into their, er, golden years, rolling their wheelchairs into the
great aircraft graveyard at Davis Monthan. Afghanistan has shown
that unmanned drones can kill unsuspecting children far more cheaply
than great, swooshy, motingator contracts airplanes, I meant
to say which raises the question of why we need aircraft carriers,
which raises the question of why we need the Navy when we have a
perfectly good Coast Guard. But things get worse with age. We could
give the military Botox, face-lifts, liposuction, or human-growth
hormone. Nah. Juices congeal. They dont uncongeal.
if any. Once it concerned itself with instructing the young in such
things as reading and writing and calculating. It too has clotted,
and putrefied, and shed its former nature. Fem-lib removed from
the classroom the intelligent women who gave it class and turned
them into yet more useless lawyers. The vacuum filled with culturally
blue-collar angry gals with what they believed to be college educations,
a concept alien to them, and became a swamp of low-voltage feminist
therapy intended to cure boys of being themselves, to nourish the
hopeless, and instill a drab moralism they couldnt articulate,
much less spell.
That too has
clotted. The link of schooling has broken, those coming up having
no exposure to what education once meant. You cant
pass on what you have never had. This consumerist Dark Age has spread
to what once was in fact higher education but has become a way of
extracting years of interest on student loans. Clotted. Theres
no going back. Its over.
like gunch plugging a coronary artery, like filth occluding a drain,
get thicker and denser with time. The problems they were supposed
to solve go away, but the bureaucrats remain, and hire more equally
pointless crats so they can feel important, and the forms we have
to fill multiply, and the administrative burden grows, and money
and business leave the country.
bureaucracies spring up. We now have TSA, which couldnt catch
cholera in a sewage outfall in Mumbai, but it has a huge payroll
and a degree of corruption that would make the sewage outfall a
cause for nostalgia. And it will never go away. Nothing does in
I figure that
what we need is to tear the whole sorry system down and see what
comes next. The best hope is that a patriot will learn how to impel
some unused interplanetary object, Phobos or Deimos or Ganymede
maybe, into Washington at ninety percent of the speed of light.
This would eliminate the teachers unions, the Pentagon, AIPAC, Fox
News, Langley, the Washington Post, lobbies, and my mother-in-law.
Cockroaches would doubtless survive, that being what they do best,
and evolve into a civilization less degraded than ours, briefly.
is author of Nekkid
in Austin: Drop Your Inner Child Down a Well and A
Brass Pole in Bangkok: A Thing I Aspire to Be. His latest
book is Curmudgeing
Through Paradise: Reports from a Fractal Dung Beetle. Visit
© 2011 Fred Reed
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