Last Run, Maybe…
been running late because of all the speed traps and Clovers out
there. Not to mention the endless meetings with his legal team to
make sure the factorys in compliance with the latest workplace
safety rules and the elves happy with the terms of their
Thank God the
sleigh doesnt have to have a catalytic converter.
been rumblings, though, about his operation of an open sleigh without
a helmet and the need to fit said sleigh with Daytime Running
Lamps to improve its visibility. It does not meet current federal
bumper impact standards and Rudolphs red nose is clearly a
problem as it could be construed as impersonating an emergency vehicle.
It will have
is the issue of Santas time behind the reigns. DOT rules say
no more than 11 hours in a given 24. Luckily, Christmas eve is just
one night but Santa had better keep his logs straight, just
expect to be stopped several times at various checkpoints
where a bearded male with headgear will surely arouse suspicion
of evil-doing. What could be under that thick coat? Whats
in that bag? Isnt red the color of martyrdom? Has he
been drinking tonight? Just look at that red nose. Spread
em! Santa should be prepared for his Enhanced Pat Down and
Body Cavity Search.
Klaus will have laundered his underthings. And he better have a
bail bondsman on his speed dial.
reindeer endangered? What is this man doing with these
animals? Has he got a permit? Where are their tags? Have they been
properly vaccinated, spayed or neutered as per Law? Does Santa have
a legal rider on his insurance to cover possible injury to The Children
from hooves, teeth and fleas?
He does have
a scooper and baggies, right?
Bu there are
more important issues to be dealt with than Santas obvious
recklessness and lack of concern for safety. By what standard, exactly,
does this old white male determine who is naughty and
who is nice? Is there disparate impact? It has
come to our attention that some people in some neighborhoods dont
receive the same amount or quality of presents.
actions show clear bias.
Action is required to correct this.
Santa has provided
no record whatsoever of his dealings with the public. It appears
that he operates at whim and without regard to outcomes,
the self-esteem of the children or the good of the community. Children
have possibly been damaged. Surely, every child is nice
just as every child can aspire to be president or an NFL
quarterback. Naughty is judgmental.
It is cruel
for Santa to suggest otherwise.
of color are entitled to a Santa from their own community,
who is more representative of diversity. It has not gone
unnoticed that there isnt a single elf of color in the entire
workshop and apparently, no female elves, either.
Santa is running a closed shop. A patriarchy. He is not representative
of the great mosaic. He may be a racist and misogynist and is probably
flouting child labor laws, too.
All this must
The old white
guy, meanwhile, may finally have had enough.
It gets tiring
complying with all these forms, fending off all these bureaucrats
worrying about lawsuits and, just perhaps, a black-clad Ninja
no-knock raid on his factory to ascertain just where those
toys came from and whether the elves are there of their own free
will. He well remembers what happened at Waco to those other
wackos and isnt interested in a repeat. He knows what
happens to people who appear different in the Homeland.
No doubt someone has Seen Something
and Said Something. Landing
on peoples roofs; slinking down chimneys. Leaving packages
unattended. It is all very suspicious.
Santa has a
heart condition, you know. He doesnt particularly want to
risk being Tasered for resisting. He and the missues
and the elves, too just want to be left in peace.
Maybe some hot chocolate by a nice warm fire. People cant
even accept free gifts anymore without presenting a laundry list
of conditions and demands.
So, this might
be the last run for awhile.
with permission from EricPetersAutos.com.
[send him mail] is an automotive
columnist and author of Automotive
Atrocities and Road Hogs (2011). Visit his
© 2011 Eric Peters
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