Salem, Massachusetts, September 24th, 1692 – Capt. Jno. McCain address’d crowdes on the Towne Common, insisting that he had been misquoted & never sayd that the Economie was Sounde.
Instead, he meant it was as Stronge as a Massachusetts Shilling, which is made of wood. The Publick booed & pelted him with rotten persimmons. Item: for one peck of rotten persimmons, two shillings.
September 25th: The Rt. Rev. Bar. O’Bama preach’d a sermon claiming that the Economick Maladie in general, & the Livestock Market Catarrh in partickular, may not be due to the Vengeance of Almighty God. It may have a Moderne Scientifick Basis, he said, such as Liver Humours convey’d via Corrupted Ether.
He posited a cure through Massive Public Borrowing or by applying leeches to taxpayers (which sounded similar). Outside the Church of St. Anaesthesius, a hayswain smote him with a dead cat that was unusually ripe. Item: 1s/6d income, selling d. cat to hayswain.
September 26th: Goodie Palin, Capt. McCain’s amanuensis, handed out tracts blaming the Economick Decline upon deviant sexual practices, large lunches & big bonuses among workers in the livestock market. A costermonger, Ecclesiastes Pluckrose, caught a two-headed carp. Item: tkt. to see carp, 1/2 d.
September 27th: Thirty-seventh day of rain. Livestock markt. still closd. Idle traders broke into Saml. Walton’s Genl. Store & made off w. four hogsheads of Demerara Rum. Item: two gals. rum from traders, 2s/6d.
September 28th: Hephzibah Fishblight, the schoolmistress, announced a debate on Economick Decline featuring Capt. McCain, seckonded by Goodie Palin, v. Rev. O’Bama with the grave digger, Old Jo. Biden. The mkt. immediately sold out of Rotten Persimmons. Dead cats now trading at one guinea per.
September 29th: 39th day of rain & mkts. still closed. One in eight cattle d. from Staggers & Jags, others coughing ominously. Big crowds for debate.
Rev. O’Bama claimed Capt. McCain is responsible for Economick Miseries because he is older and has been alive longer. The capt. countered that the cleric had taken 3s/6d from the church poor box and squandered it on Cain and Abel Schrechlichmann, who are known to be Incurable Tosspots.
The grave digger said he remembered the Greate Sheep Epidemick under the Late King Chas I, “when the beastes’ fewmets smelt of almondes,” but he did not explain further.
Goodie Palin said Greedie Market Traders were Diabolists & Secrete Agents of the King of France.
September 29th, (cont.): Strangely, the debate ended in Compleat Agreement, first that Economick Weakness can be cured if City Fathers replace all sick cattle, costing Ten Thousand Pounds Sterling backed by a substantial increase in the production of wooden shillings.
In the 2nd inst. all discussants agreed that Greedie Traders should be Made to Suffer. Even the Representatives of the Salem Livestock Traders Association concurr’d.
Traders provided the Publick Mob with complementary firkins of Demerara Rum, matches and a drum of sperm-whale oil along with their own Most Culpable Greedie Trader, an 85-year-old blind woman, the Widow MacDougal, who had never been seen in the livestock marketplace before.
She was briefly interviewed with hot irons & skewers by Mister Cheney, the Towne Gaoler. He found her to be a Wytch who caused Economick Droop by eating large lunches and Paying Herself Bonuses. To much local merriment, she was Burnt to Death outside the schoolhouse.
September 30th: 40th day of rain. Mark’t remains closed. Capt. McCain and Rev. Obama pledged to pursue a Policie of Zero Tolerance to Wytches.
(Spec. thanks to Squire Haggard.)
Reprinted from The DC Examiner with permission.
September 25, 2008
