Alternate Bush Acceptance Speech

by Charles Davenport

Thank you, dudes. Thank you, dad.

Thanks for nothing. Good drinking, my fellow Americans. I appreciate so very much the opportunity to imbibe with you tonight. [Lifts a glass of amber-colored liquid.]

Friends, distinguished dudes, our country has been through a long and trying ordeal, which I’ve managed to spend at my ranch with my doggie, Spot, with the outcome of the presidential election not finalized for longer than Dick Cheney could ever imagine.

Vice President Gore and I put a billion dollars into our campaigns. In the past, we shared similar drugs, bong hits, so I understand how difficult this moment must be for Vice President Gore and his family, especially "Tripper," who, let me tell you, was one... [looks off camera] ...oh, right, sorry.

Gore has a few cool records, the Dead, some Hendrix, and so do I. Gore jams. I toast him. [Lifts glass.]

This evening my phone rang. Spot was barking. It was the vice president. Of the United States. He was calling me. We spoke. He wasn’t snippy, and neither was I. We agreed to meet early next week in Washington and we agreed to "pass the peace pipe," something I really look forward to.

Tonight I want to thank all the thousands of volunteers and campaign workers who worked so hard on my behalf, like good little suckers, heh heh. Some will be rewarded. Others, tossed aside like sock puppets.

I also salute the vice president and his support for Tennessee distilled spirits. Hell, I thank him for calling a hard-to-reach dealer, who I know was difficult to find. Senator Lieberman disapproves, but the Hell with him.

I have a lot to be thankful for tonight. Hic. I’m thankful for America and thankful that we were able to dissolve our electoral differe...differential...deferentials... in a peaceful way.

I’m thankful to the American people for the great pillage of being able to serve drinks as your next president. [Hoists glass.]

I am proud to have Dick Cheney by my side, and America will be proud to have him as our next president. Er, I mean vice president.

Tonight I chose to speak from the chamber of the Texas House of Representatives because it’s free, and pretty clean. [Looks around.]

We've had spirited disagreements, Dad and me. [Goofy grin.] I mean Ann Richards and me. And in the end, we found it's best to mix the Chivas with a little water, and rinse our mouths out after. Ann likes gin, but I don't, not really, unless its the only thing there is available. It is an experience I will always carry with me, in a flask, and an example I will always swallow. I mean follow.

I want to thank my friend, House Speaker Pete Laney, a Democrat, who introduced me to Kentucky single malts.

Across the hall in our Texas capitol is the state Senate. What a bunch of party animals these guys are. Hell, I could...oh, sorry. [Looks off camera.] Right. His love for Texas and his ability to work while completely inebriated continues to be a model for all of us.

The spirits I have seen poured and secretly sipped in this hall is what is needed in Washington, DC. It is the challenge of our moment. After a difficult election, we must put politics behind us and have a stiff belt or two. After all, this IS America. [Hoists glass.]

I am optimistic that we can change the tone in Washington, DC, to one of drunken revelry. It is what the people expect.

I believe things happen for a reason, and I hope the long wait of the last five weeks will heighten a desire for beverage alcohol, doggies, and horsies.

Republicans want the best for our nation, and so do Democrats. Our votes may differ, but not our drinking habits.

I know America wants relaxation and money, and good sitcoms. I know Americans want pizza. And we must, this moment, deliver. Cheese, or pepperoni?

Together, guided by a spirit of common grain alcohol, common condiments, pretzels, those little mustard snacks, peanuts, whatever, we can unite and inspire the stupid American citizens who continue to pay taxes like the cowards they are, so we in government can tell them what to do, where to stand, what to say.

Together, we will work to make all our public schools better than Mexico’s, really, truly, okay, teaching every student that they are the best, the winners, and the okayest of all. So that no child is left behind. So all can grow up to pay their fair share of taxes.

Social Security? Hell, we promise a secure high for generalizations to come.

Together we will strengthen Medicare and offer good, cheap drugs to all of our seniors. Because it’s about time.

Together we will make sure ALL Americans pay the taxes they owe.

Together we’ll have a bipartisan foreign policy true to our values and true to our friends, but not our enemies [Wags finger.] and we will have a military equal to every challenge and superior to every advertise...adversity... with troops stationed in every country on earth. That is Dick’s goal. [Applause.]

Together we will continue to ignore most of society’s deepest problems—one person at a time. Unless they’re my dad’s friends and stuff.

This is the essence of compassionate conservatism and it will be a foundation of my administration.

During the fall camping...campaign, we differed about the details of these porpoises...proposals, but there was remarkable conservative...consensus.... about the important issues before us: schools, drugs, booze, and a strong military, stronger than anyone else’s, really strong, and a uniformed, polite society. An obedient society.

After six days of voting and 36 ballots, the House of Repre...reprasedatives elected Thomas Jefferson the third president of the United States. Not that I’m Tom Jefferson, or anything, but hell, he was a famous man.

And so was my dad. Dad, I love you. [Weeps.]

I’d like you to meet my dog, Spot. [Spot barks.] Spot, I love you.

Shortly after the election, Jefferson, who was a president, too, emailed me. He said "The drug habits of our countrymen is a great, white rock to which we may safely moor; unequa...unecuador in principle, reasonable in manner. We should be able to hope to do a great deal of ... good ... to the cause of happiness." And those are great words.

Two hundred years: wow, that’s a long time.

I have something to ask you, to ask every American. I ask for you to pray for this great nation. I ask you pray for Vice President Gore, who is a sick man. And if you are an atheist, then rub your crystals, or whatever it is you people do.

I have faith that with Dick’s help we as a nation will move forward together, perhaps to Europe, or Mexico, or wherever it is we, one nation, indivisible, may be going. And whether we drive Buicks or Cadillacs, or those little foreign cars that some people drive, together we will create an America that is open, so every citizen has access to the American road; a road that is smooth, and paved, so every child has the keys to a car, and knows not to drag bodies behind it.

I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve all our parties.

The president of the United States is me.

Whether you voted for me or not, I will do my best to learn your names.

I will be guided by Jefferson’s sense of porpoise. He was a president, too. He wrote lots and lots, and he, too, owned dogs and horses. And black people.

The presidency is more than an honor. It is more than an office, a desk, a couch, some chairs.

Party on, America.

December 15, 2000

Charles Davenport is a physician trapped, behind the lines, in New York.