Ah, the absurd universe of the Progressive, where magical thinking and cans of food protect kids in the public educational gulags from “active shooters.”

A principal in Alabama believes that lobbing “canned food item[s]” at such “an intruder” could “stun” him or even “knock him out until the police arrive.” Yes. Evaporated milk against rifles and shotguns. Kinda feel sorry for the intruder in such a lopsided battle, don’t you?

But pelting bad guys isn’t the only benefit Campbell’s chicken noodle soup could confer. Tins of food will also “give students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters their classroom.” Hmmm. Wonder if that will work in New York City and other municipalities that have stripped their serfs of self-defense. “No, Mr. Mugger, I am not handing over my wallet because, looky here, I’m armed with diced tomatoes!” And hey, let DHS load up on ammo: we’ve got Green Giant Niblets Corn!

I’d like to thank Mark Higdon and Bill Martin, who each alerted me to this story, but they’re probably at Costco right now loading up on baked beans.

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