Hogwarts Forced To Accept Muggles

After a protracted legal battle, Harry Potter's school, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been forced by the national government to accept "muggles," people without native magical skill, as students. Looking weary and strained from the long legal battle, the headmaster of the school, Albus Dumbledore, said, "This just doesn't make any sense. We simply don't know how to teach magic to those without native magical skill. This change can only mean the slow destruction of our ability to turn out top class users of magic. This school had an easier time functioning during the Witch Trials of the late 1600s... I never thought I'd miss those days."

But critics of Hogwarts had little sympathy for Dumbledore's position. "Of course he would say that," stated the head of NOM (National Organization of Muggles), "He's going to defend the magic-privilege that keeps him and his buddies in their elite positions in society. They have a self-perpetuating magicocracy. The only way that magic skills will become more widespread is for non-magic persons to have access to institutions of magic learning. They're just afraid of the use of magic becoming democratized."

To be able to bring in the mandated number of non-magical students, Hogwarts will have to accept applicants with a combined score of -200 on their MATs (Magical Aptitude Tests). A professor at Hogwarts, on condition of anonymity, noted that scores this low mean, "not only does the student have zero chance of mastering the simplest charm, but they actually put off a field of magic resistance that will interfere with the other student's spells."

With the admission of non-magical persons to the school, there will be other changes mandated by the government. Quidditch, traditionally played in the air on flying broomsticks, will have to be played on the ground so that non-magic persons can participate. Top players from each of the four student houses of Hogwarts resigned their positions in protest. Ian Smith, Seeker for Hufflepuff house, complained "Quidditch on the ground?! That's just not Quidditch. It'll be totally boring. It'd be more exciting to spend my time brewing potions."

Lew Rockwell issued a statement defending Hogwarts as an institution independent of the state and emphasizing the importance of the division of labor and the fundamental role that Witches and Wizards have in the development of civilization. He was quickly denounced by everyone respectable for this, though there was no discernible connection between his statement and their accusations.

"What he's really saying is quite clear to anyone who can decode his thinly veiled references. He's a virulent anti-Muggleite who hates America. There's no place for people like him in the democracy of equality and fairness that we're building." read a statement from the Jaffa Institute.

January 8, 2003

Stephen W. Carson [send him mail] works as a software engineer, studies Political Economy at the graduate level at Washington University and works with inner city children in St. Louis through a ministry of his church. See his reviews of Films on Liberty.

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