Wizard of Is: III
Gene Callahan and Stu
through the work of its own Woodward and Bernstein, Callahan and
Morgenstern, has obtained an early treatment for a movie that Monica
Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating
the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last week we presented
II of her script. Part III of the treatment follows:
the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion have been
sent by the Wizard of Is to retrieve the cigarette lighter of the
Wicked Witch of the Really, Really Extreme Right. The four friends
head out to the Emerald City airport, to catch the Delta Shuttle
up to New York, where the witch keeps a castle, sort of as a little
pied-à-terre. When they are deplaning in New York, they are
accosted by airport security, whom they recognize to be the witch's
flying monkeys in disguise. The monkeys deliver a subpoena to Monica,
requiring her to come to the Wicked Witch's castle. Simultaneously,
they stage a ferocious verbal assault on the rest of her friends.
They really go after the Scarecrow.]
[to Scarecrow]: What about those donations from the Buddhist
temple? What about those phone calls from the White House? Weren't
you pro-life once? Just what proof do you have that global warming
is happening? How do you spell potato?
questions completely knock the stuffing out of the Scarecrow.]
Woodsman: I'm declarin' war on you monkeys, and anyone who supports
your unconstitutional attempt to thwart the will of the American
Lion: If Cowardly Lion were just a few years younger…
is taken away by the monkeys. The Tin Woodsman and Cowardly Lion
run over to help the Scarecrow. They frantically try to rebuild
Woodsman: Boy, it feels really hot here! Must be that global
warming you keep talking about.
Lion: Listen, anyone can mistake a Buddhist temple for a union
Why, you're right. I feel better already! Well, let's go we've
got to find Monica.
in her castle, the Wicked Witch interrogates Monica.]
Witch: All right my sweetie, you've been more trouble to me
than you're worth. It's time to give up that immunity and sing like
I want to see my lawyer, Uncle Bill!
Witch: So you want to call your lawyer, eh? Instead, I think
that a little torture is in order. We're going to let you browse
in some expensive shops around here, but only after we've canceled
all your credit cards! Ha, ha, hack, hack.
friends follow the smell of rancid cigarette smoke until they come
to the witch's castle, which is guarded by jack-booted thugs. When
the guards aren't expecting it, Monica's friends are able to start
a meaningful dialogue with them and convince them to run away and
join Americorps. They put on the thugs abandoned uniforms and sneak
in. They search through the building and eventually find Monica.
The four run for their lives as the witch and her armies pursue.
Finally, up on the rooftop garden, R. Emmett Tyrrell closes in from
the right, Michael Kelly from the center, and Christopher Hitchens
from the left, and the four friends are trapped by the witch's evil
Witch: I've got you all now. Cough, cough.
Woodsman: You're just in league with Big Tobacco to overturn
the will of the American People! We're not afraid of you.
Lion: Yeah! Who's afraid?
Witch: You, lion… you don't have any courage at all. I bet you
can't even… hack, hack, perform.
Lion: All right, all right, I admit it… I have the courage to
admit that I do suffer from erectile dysfunction!
Witch: How about a smoke, Scarecrow? [She holds out her lighter
Anything but that! Haven't you heard about my sister?
as the witch goes to light up, Monica presents her with a notice
that her co-op has just gone smoke-free.]
Witch: Ah! I'm craving! I'm craving! [Slowly she melts, her
voice getting shriller.] Does anyone have some Nicorette? Ah, my
beautiful publishing contracts! [She shrivels up into a pile of
cigarette ashes and slowly blows away in the breeze, leaving behind
her lighter. The leader of her army comes forward.]
She's gone. Hail to Monica, the wicked witch is dead! You've saved
us all from that miasma of second hand smoke. Please accept this
lighter as a token of our appreciation.
foursome heads back to the Emerald City. They are ushered in to
see the Great Is. Again the stereo is blaring as the mirrored ball
shimmers. The heavy scent of musk fills the air.]
of Is: Why have you come back?
show him the lighter and demand that he fulfills all their needs.]
of Is: Come back in a couple of days! I need time to think about
[crying]: But you promised! We've waited long enough! Perhaps
I'll have to mention where I got those talking points.
Wiz breaks down and tells them that he had acted inappropriately
and may even have misled them. Amazingly, the residents of Emerald
City cheer the Wiz, and he is more popular than ever. As a reward
for all they have done, The Wiz gives them some inexpensive junk
that he picked up in Martha's Vineyard the previous summer.]
of Is: You, Scarecrow, think your problem is that you don't
have a brain. My friend, that's no obstacle in life. You just can't
let people think you're such a stuffed shirt you've got to loosen
up a bit! On you I will give this charm bracelet I've been wearing,
so that you may shine in the light of my reflected charisma.
Lion, there's no reason to have courage. Millions in Chinese campaign
contributions and a pile of hush money did the job for me! I hereby
grant you this certificate that states that, if you had those things,
you would have been Prez of the Forest.
Tin Woodsman, believe that you need a heart. Not true, not true!
I've found all I need to handle things on the home front is a roll
of strong duct tape. This'll keep your wife's mouth shut on all
those Sunday morning talk shows. [Hands Woodsman a roll of tape.]
the way, all of you should make sure that you hide these. You might
have to return them to my secretary later, in fact.
And what about me, Mr. Wizard? [She bats her eyelashes at him.]
of Is: Baby, baby, I was comin' to you. I'm really going to
do it take you away with me back to Arkansas. You wait right
here, and I'll go get Is Force One warmed up. In my absence I place
you, Scarecrow, in charge of the Emerald City.
leaves. They wait several minutes. The rumble of a jet passing by
is heard overhead.]
[crying]: Oh my God! The big creep dumped me! Now I'll never
friends attempt to comfort her. From out of a soap bubble, Vernon,
the Good Witch of the Sensible Center, appears.]
The Wizard sent me, with a message for you. He wants you to know
that you've always had the power to go home. All you need to do
is repeat after me, "No one ever told me to lie."
No one ever told me to lie. No one ever told me to lie. No one ever
told me to lie.
falls into a trance, and awakens in her bed back in the Watergate.
Around her is a crowd of worried faces.]
Lewis: Of course you're home, dear. You just had a nasty bump
on the head.
For a while there, we thought you were going to leave us.
But I did leave you! I went to the strangest place. You were there,
Mr. Vice-President, and you, Mr. Carville, and you, too, Senator
Now, now, Monica, you've had a bad dream. Just let me kiss your
inner thigh, like when you were a baby, and you'll forget all about
And Monica, just remember, even if that dream was real, it was all
just a private matter anyway none of anyone else's business.
has a big group hug. String music swells, and we fade to black.]
Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org,
and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The
© 2000, Stu Morgenstern
and Gene Callahan