The Wizard of Is: III

by Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern

LewRockwell.com, through the work of its own Woodward and Bernstein, Callahan and Morgenstern, has obtained an early treatment for a movie that Monica Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last week we presented Part II of her script. Part III of the treatment follows:

[Monica, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion have been sent by the Wizard of Is to retrieve the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really Extreme Right. The four friends head out to the Emerald City airport, to catch the Delta Shuttle up to New York, where the witch keeps a castle, sort of as a little pied-à-terre. When they are deplaning in New York, they are accosted by airport security, whom they recognize to be the witch's flying monkeys in disguise. The monkeys deliver a subpoena to Monica, requiring her to come to the Wicked Witch's castle. Simultaneously, they stage a ferocious verbal assault on the rest of her friends. They really go after the Scarecrow.]

Monkeys [to Scarecrow]: What about those donations from the Buddhist temple? What about those phone calls from the White House? Weren't you pro-life once? Just what proof do you have that global warming is happening? How do you spell potato?

[These questions completely knock the stuffing out of the Scarecrow.]

Tin Woodsman: I'm declarin' war on you monkeys, and anyone who supports your unconstitutional attempt to thwart the will of the American people!

Cowardly Lion: If Cowardly Lion were just a few years younger…

[Monica is taken away by the monkeys. The Tin Woodsman and Cowardly Lion run over to help the Scarecrow. They frantically try to rebuild his self-esteem.]

Tin Woodsman: Boy, it feels really hot here! Must be that global warming you keep talking about.

Cowardly Lion: Listen, anyone can mistake a Buddhist temple for a union hall.

Scarecrow: Why, you're right. I feel better already! Well, let's go – we've got to find Monica.

[Meanwhile, in her castle, the Wicked Witch interrogates Monica.]

Wicked Witch: All right my sweetie, you've been more trouble to me than you're worth. It's time to give up that immunity and sing like a canary!

Monica: I want to see my lawyer, Uncle Bill!

Wicked Witch: So you want to call your lawyer, eh? Instead, I think that a little torture is in order. We're going to let you browse in some expensive shops around here, but only after we've canceled all your credit cards! Ha, ha, hack, hack.

[Monica's friends follow the smell of rancid cigarette smoke until they come to the witch's castle, which is guarded by jack-booted thugs. When the guards aren't expecting it, Monica's friends are able to start a meaningful dialogue with them and convince them to run away and join Americorps. They put on the thugs abandoned uniforms and sneak in. They search through the building and eventually find Monica. The four run for their lives as the witch and her armies pursue. Finally, up on the rooftop garden, R. Emmett Tyrrell closes in from the right, Michael Kelly from the center, and Christopher Hitchens from the left, and the four friends are trapped by the witch's evil forces.]

Wicked Witch: I've got you all now. Cough, cough.

Tin Woodsman: You're just in league with Big Tobacco to overturn the will of the American People! We're not afraid of you.

Cowardly Lion: Yeah! Who's afraid?

Wicked Witch: You, lion… you don't have any courage at all. I bet you can't even… hack, hack, perform.

Cowardly Lion: All right, all right, I admit it… I have the courage to admit that I do suffer from erectile dysfunction!

Wicked Witch: How about a smoke, Scarecrow? [She holds out her lighter towards him.]

Scarecrow: Anything but that! Haven't you heard about my sister?

[Just as the witch goes to light up, Monica presents her with a notice that her co-op has just gone smoke-free.]

Wicked Witch: Ah! I'm craving! I'm craving! [Slowly she melts, her voice getting shriller.] Does anyone have some Nicorette? Ah, my beautiful publishing contracts! [She shrivels up into a pile of cigarette ashes and slowly blows away in the breeze, leaving behind her lighter. The leader of her army comes forward.]

Soldier: She's gone. Hail to Monica, the wicked witch is dead! You've saved us all from that miasma of second hand smoke. Please accept this lighter as a token of our appreciation.

[The foursome heads back to the Emerald City. They are ushered in to see the Great Is. Again the stereo is blaring as the mirrored ball shimmers. The heavy scent of musk fills the air.]

Wizard of Is: Why have you come back?

[They show him the lighter and demand that he fulfills all their needs.]

Wizard of Is: Come back in a couple of days! I need time to think about this.

Monica [crying]: But you promised! We've waited long enough! Perhaps I'll have to mention where I got those talking points.

[The Wiz breaks down and tells them that he had acted inappropriately and may even have misled them. Amazingly, the residents of Emerald City cheer the Wiz, and he is more popular than ever. As a reward for all they have done, The Wiz gives them some inexpensive junk that he picked up in Martha's Vineyard the previous summer.] 

Wizard of Is: You, Scarecrow, think your problem is that you don't have a brain. My friend, that's no obstacle in life. You just can't let people think you're such a stuffed shirt – you've got to loosen up a bit! On you I will give this charm bracelet I've been wearing, so that you may shine in the light of my reflected charisma.

Cowardly Lion, there's no reason to have courage. Millions in Chinese campaign contributions and a pile of hush money did the job for me! I hereby grant you this certificate that states that, if you had those things, you would have been Prez of the Forest.

You, Tin Woodsman, believe that you need a heart. Not true, not true! I've found all I need to handle things on the home front is a roll of strong duct tape. This'll keep your wife's mouth shut on all those Sunday morning talk shows. [Hands Woodsman a roll of tape.]

By the way, all of you should make sure that you hide these. You might have to return them to my secretary later, in fact.

Monica: And what about me, Mr. Wizard? [She bats her eyelashes at him.]

Wizard of Is: Baby, baby, I was comin' to you. I'm really going to do it – take you away with me back to Arkansas. You wait right here, and I'll go get Is Force One warmed up. In my absence I place you, Scarecrow, in charge of the Emerald City.

[Wizard leaves. They wait several minutes. The rumble of a jet passing by is heard overhead.]

Monica [crying]: Oh my God! The big creep dumped me! Now I'll never get home.

[Her friends attempt to comfort her. From out of a soap bubble, Vernon, the Good Witch of the Sensible Center, appears.]

Vernon: The Wizard sent me, with a message for you. He wants you to know that you've always had the power to go home. All you need to do is repeat after me, "No one ever told me to lie."

Monica: No one ever told me to lie. No one ever told me to lie. No one ever told me to lie.

[She falls into a trance, and awakens in her bed back in the Watergate. Around her is a crowd of worried faces.]

Monica: I'm home!

Marcia Lewis: Of course you're home, dear. You just had a nasty bump on the head.

Ginsburg: For a while there, we thought you were going to leave us.

Monica: But I did leave you! I went to the strangest place. You were there, Mr. Vice-President, and you, Mr. Carville, and you, too, Senator Dole.

Ginsburg: Now, now, Monica, you've had a bad dream. Just let me kiss your inner thigh, like when you were a baby, and you'll forget all about it.

Gore: And Monica, just remember, even if that dream was real, it was all just a private matter anyway – none of anyone else's business. 

[Everyone has a big group hug. String music swells, and we fade to black.]

August 21, 2000

Gene Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org, and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The Frumious Bandersnatch.

© 2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan