Why snubbed children's birthday host was RIGHT to invoice no-show: Etiquette expert William Hanson on the rise of party rudeness (and how to be the perfect guest)

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Author William Hanson says there is a pandemic of party rudeness that has gripped the nation

The story about the parents of a five-year-old being sent a ‘no show’ invoice for £15.95 for failing to honour their word about their son’s attendance at his friend’s ‘slide and ride’ birthday party at a ski centre in Plymouth has hit the headlines.

The bill senders (the birthday boy's parents) are getting some flack for issuing the invoice in the first place – I agree, a tad weird and certainly not the correct thing – but I do applaud their courage.

Especially given the Nash family had replied officially confirming their son Alex’s attendance but decided to go with, what will appear to the jilted hosts to be a ‘better offer,’ of a family day visiting relatives.

Supposedly no contact details were available for the hosts so the Nash’s couldn’t contact them to rescind Alex’s attendance.

As bizarre as this particular scenario may be, this family in Plymouth (hardly the party-centre of the UK, I admit) is just one example of the pandemic of party rudeness that has gripped the nation. 

No one knows how to behave at parties anymore. Times change, I get it. But when it comes to the world of entertaining there are some areas that I feel should be sacrosanct. 

As a regular host I can get quite worked up when I attend the events of others to see guests behaving in a fashion, which to my eyes, feels less than courteous. 

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Maybe attending

Hosts of any age are really asking for it when they opt to invite their chosen guests via Facebook. 

Although it can be helpful for getting together large numbers of friends, it has its pitfalls - namely this magic third-option for soirées that Mr Zuckerberg has invented: maybe attending.

A guest is not 'maybe' attending. You’re either going, or you’re not. If you are unsure if you can go but need to check, hold off clicking anything. It’s quite simple.

Some techno-babe once told me why people often click maybe attending. She said that invited guests would feel like they’d offend the host by saying they weren’t coming. 

Again, as a host, I know that not everyone can come to everything, but need to know final numbers so I know how many canapés to make. What would happen if all guests clicked maybe attending?

Derek Nash was issued an invoice for £15.95 by a fellow parent after he failed to take Alex, pictured, to his classmate's birthday party at a ski slope in Plymouth after saying he would be attending

The pre-party

Some under 35s are now particularly guilty of initiating what we shall term a ‘pre-party’.

This is where one of the guests decides to invite a select few to their house at the same time as the initial party for a ‘warm up’. 

Not only does it somewhat upstage the original host, but also should the stealth gathering be discovered it could seriously damage friendships.

At one party I attended, the host actually commented, after 50 minutes, as to the whereabouts of the 14 other guests. 

Only me, the host’s partner and two others had arrived on time. Then, at 8.25pm, the remainder of the guests list arrived en masse with no explanation as to where they had all been or why they were all arriving together.

Time-keeping

As we have seen, people can play fast and loose with the arrival time but so many people are oblivious to the ‘10 minutes late’ rule - where you arrive just after the stated event time to give your host a bit of breathing time. 

When I explain this to those who don’t understand it, they are unfailingly not hosts themselves, and therefore see no need for guests to give that safe breathing space to their hosts.

A few weeks ago, 65 per cent of the guest list swanned into a housewarming a whole two hours late! This only served in making those who had gone to the effort to arrive on cue feel like they’d now be rude to leave. Maybe this is the new form and it’s just me?

If you say you’re going to something you go for all of it, or none at all.

Mr Nash found a brown envelope containing this invoice in his son's school bag

Snubbing

As we have seen today with the party peril in Plymouth, sometimes we do get a better invitation to something or our plans and family circumstances change. 

But if we have already committed, then it is tough cheese and well done to the host for being organised and getting their invitations out first. 

If you’ve said you’re going… guess what… you’re going! Only work or fatal illnesses are valid excuses in my book. And in those rare cases you send flowers and/or a hand-written missive to apologise.

If two drinks parties are close by then it may be possible to attend both. Even if it is just showing your face to ‘make a cameo appearance’.

An acquaintance of mine committed to a party two months ago and failed to show, with no explanation sent to our host (a mutual friend). 

The morning after the night before, on Facebook, a picture of her appeared at a bar with her friends… If you are going to be so rude as to snub, have a bit of intelligence about it.

As a host, I worry about the details and how someone’s actions, whether giving or receiving the hospitality, will affect others. 

Clearly there is currently a rather inelegant acceptability as to what counts as ‘correct form’ when it comes to modern parties. People just don’t seem to care anymore.

For those who couldn’t care less, don’t bother inviting them. Spend the money and effort on those who ‘get it’ and not those who presumptuously believe they’re such good value at balls and bashes they’ll be invited to the next one. 

William Hanson is author of The Bluffer's Guide To Etiquette.