How To Kidnap A Child

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Congratulations!
You have embarked on a great adventure. Kidnapping a child is probably
unlike anything you have done before. If you are a first-time kidnapper
you may be hesitant; perhaps you have lingering scruples. It is
true you will probably do irreparable harm to your own child. Children
of divorce more often become involved in drugs, alcohol, and crime,
become pregnant as teenagers, perform poorly in school, join gangs,
and commit suicide.

But
look at the advantages! You can be rid of that swine you live with,
with all his tedious opinions about child-rearing. YOU call the
shots! What could be more rewarding? And a little extra cash each
month never hurts, eh?

Few
people realize how easy abduction is. It happens 1,000 times a day,
mostly by parents! So if you’re thinking, “I could never get away
with it,” wake up! Millions do. In fact many only realize the possibility
when they become victims. Then they invariably say, “If only I had
known how easy it is I would have done it myself!” So don’t be caught
off guard. Read on, and discover the exciting world of child kidnapping
and extortion.

If
you are mother the best time to snatch is soon after you have a
new child or pregnancy. Once you have what you want, you will realize
that the father is no longer necessary (except for child support).

A
father should consider snatching as soon as he suspects the mother
might. Once she has the child, you have pretty much lost the game.
You will always be at a disadvantage, but it is in your interest
(as it is in hers) to snatch first. Preventive snatching may not
look good (and unlike her, it can be used against you). But hey,
you have the kid. If you hit the road, it could take years to track
you down.

Surprise
is crucial for an elegant abduction. Wait until the other parent
is away, and clean the place out thoroughly. Take all the child’s
effects, because if you don’t grab it now you will never get it,
and you will never be forced to return any of it. The more you have,
the better “home” you can claim to provide. You also want to achieve
the maximum emotional devastation to your spouse. Like the terrorist,
you want to impress with how swift, sudden, and unpredictable your
strike can be.

Concealing
the child is illegal, but it will also buy you time. The police
will make the case a low priority, and if you are a mother you will
never be prosecuted. In the meantime claim to have established a
“stable routine” and that returning the child (or even visits) would
be “disruptive.” Anything that keeps the child in your possession
and away from their father works to your advantage.

Find
superficial ways to appear cooperative. Inform the father of your
decisions (after you have made them). At the same time avoid real
cooperation. The judge will conclude that the parents “can’t agree”
and leave you in charge. Since it is standard piety that joint custody
requires “cooperation,” the easiest way to sabotage joint custody
is to be as uncooperative as possible.

Go
to court right away. The more aggressive you are with litigation
the more it will appear you have some valid grievance. The judge
and lawyers (including your spouse's) will be grateful for the business
you create. Despite professions of heavy caseloads, courts are under
pressure to channel money to lawyers, whose bar associations appoint
and promote judges. File a motion for sole custody, and get a restraining
order to keep the father from seeing his children. (A nice touch
is to say he is planning to “kidnap” them.) Or have him restricted
to supervised visitation.

Going
to court is also a great opportunity to curtail anything you dislike
about your spouse's child-rearing. If you don’t like his religion,
get an injunction against him discussing it. Is he fussy about table
manners or proper behavior? Getting a court order is easier than
you think. You may even get the child’s entire upbringing micro-managed
by judicial directives.

Charges
of physical and sexual abuse are also helpful. Accusing a father
of sexually abusing his own children is very easy and can be satisfying
for its own sake.

Don’t
worry about proving the charges. An experienced judge will recognize
trumped-up allegations. This is not important, since no one will
ever blame the judge for being “better safe than sorry,” and accusations
create business for his cronies. You yourself will never have to
answer for false charges. The investigation also buys time during
which you can further claim to be establishing a routine while keeping
Dad at a distance and programming the children against him.

Abuse
accusations are also marvelously self-fulfilling. What more logical
way to provoke a parent to lash out than to take away his children?
Men naturally become violent when someone interferes with their
children. This is what fathers are for. The more you can torment
him with the ruin of his family, home, livelihood, savings, and
sanity, the more likely that he will self-destruct, thus demonstrating
his unfitness.

Get
the children themselves involved. Children are easily convinced
they have been molested. Once the suggestion is planted, any affection
from their father will elicit a negative reaction, making your suggestion
self-fulfilling in the child’s mind. And if one of your new lovers
actually has molested the child, you can divert the accusation to
Dad.

Dripping
poison into the hearts of your children can be gratifying, and it
is a joy to watch the darlings absorb your hostility. Young children
can be filled with venom fairly easily just by telling them what
a rat their father is as frequently as possible.

Older
children present more of a challenge. They may have fond memories
of the love and fun they once experienced with him. These need to
be expunged or at least tainted. Try little tricks like saying,
“Today you will be seeing your father, but don’t worry, it won’t
last long.” Worry aloud about the other parent’s competence to care
for the child or what unpleasant or dangerous experience may be
in store during the child’s visit. Sign the child up for organized
activities that conflict with Dad's visits. Or promise fun things,
like a trip to Disneyland, which then must be “cancelled” to visit
Dad.

You
will soon discover how neatly your techniques reinforce one another.
For example, marginalizing the father and alienating the child become
perfect complements merely by suggesting that Daddy is absent because
he does not love you. What could be more logical in their sweet
little minds!

And
what works with children is also effective with judges. The more
you can make the children hate their father the easier you make
it to leave custody with you.

Remember
too, this guide is no substitute for a good lawyer, since nothing
is more satisfying than watching a hired goon beat up on your child’s
father in a courtroom.

And
now you can do what you like! You can warehouse the kids in daycare
while you work (or whatever). You don't have to worry about brushing
hair or teeth. You can slap them when they're being brats. You can
feed them fast food every night (or just give them Cheez Whiz).
If they become a real annoyance you can turn them over to the state
social services agency. You are free!

November
19, 2001

Stephen
Baskerville
[send him mail]
was professor of politics and chairman of the politics
department at Palacky University before resigning when his daughter
was abducted. Though he has never actually kidnapped a child himself,
he has been accused of wanting to do so by a family court, which
placed a restraining order on him. He now teaches at Howard University.

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