by Gene Callahan by Gene Callahan
As I read the headline in the paper, it suddenly came together for me. The frigid air that had settled over Brooklyn and much of the Northeast, the biting winds scouring my fingers and ears raw: where had they come from? Why, the paper proclaimed… Canada! "Canadian Air Mass Settles over Northeast," it said.
It was the final piece of the puzzle. When we had suffered through the major blackout of last summer, wasn’t there immediate speculation that it was a Canadian power company that was to blame? When Mad Cow disease was found in the US, didn’t some point the finger at Canadian cows?
My thoughts roamed over several other things that had crept south from Canada. Jim Carrey and Mike Myers: aren’t those two sort of like comedic biological weapons, infecting Americans with an inability to differentiate acting funny from acting stupid? An even dumber Canadian "comic" is Tom Green, who made what many critics called the worst film they had ever seen. And what about Michael J. Fox? Pamela Anderson? Paul Anka? Then there’s David Frum, a "thinker" whose purpose in life seems to be to embarrass American conservatives. Or hockey, a "sport" that consists of toothless men on ice skates beating each other up while an invisible little puck – they don’t even have the sense to use a ball, like proper sports do! – whizzes around the ice.
I had to do a little research to see if my hypothesis held up. It didn’t take long before I came upon the name that clinched the case: Hayden Christensen! In case you don’t know who he is, Hayden is a Canadian actor who played Anakin Skywalker in the most recent Star Wars movie, Attack of the Clones.
Now, when I say "played," I’m using the term loosely. Christensen kept a single expression on his face, a sullen pout, throughout the entire film. When he should have acted like a spurned lover, he pouted. When he triumphantly pulled off some Jedi feat, he pouted. When the script called for him to be a tragic, enraged hero, he pouted. When he was supposed to be stealthily tracking an assassin, he pouted. Christensen was even out-acted by R2D2.
Clearly, this fellow was a plant. George Lucas may not be our era’s greatest director, but he’s smart enough that Christensen could not possibly have gotten through auditions "acting" as he did in the movie. No, the Canucks sent him south to sabotage the film.
So, I say we need to add Canada to the axis of evil. What did Saddam Hussein ever do to the US that can compare with this list of Canadian outrages? It’s high time we correct the mistake we made in the War of 1812, and march all the way to Ottawa.
A US occupation of the rogue nation to our north would help to rectify the many problems I’ve mentioned. Jim Carrey and Mike Myers would have to go back to being the village idiots in Guelph, or wherever they come from. Hockey would only be played in shadowy, illegal clubs, like cock fighting is now. Hayden Christensen would be routed from the spider hole in which he is no doubt pouting at present, and made to answer for his crimes against cinematography. US troops would force Canadian air masses to stay put in Canada, where they belong, and not come down to plague us in the US.
But there is another benefit, less obvious if perhaps more important, that would come from a US occupation of Canada. It’s all well and good that American troops are now conditioned to subduing a restive population in a country where everyone speaks a different language, dresses differently, and has different customs than in the US. But are they prepared to occupy a country where the people look, dress, talk, and act like Americans? Because I have a feeling they need to get some training in doing so pretty soon.
January 12, 2004
Gene Callahan/Stu Morgenstern Archives
