Henny Youngman Quotes Never Get Old

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

I call my lawyer and say, “Can I ask you two questions?”  He says, “What’s the second question?”

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, “We want Youngman! We want Youngman!” The coach says, “Youngman – go see what they want!”

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays instead.