Oh, Joy! It’s “Public Servant Recognition Week”!

Since the sponges who rule us receive higher wages and benefits than their private-sector counterparts, you might think they’d rest content. Nope. They covet our gratitude as well. I know: shouldn’t the appreciation flow the other way? “Thank you, Hardworking Chump, for forking over so much of your wealth in taxes to support me as I ban incandescent light-bulbs, regulate even your bathroom, and transcribe your phone calls so I can search for the juicy parts more easily when I need a laugh.

No matter: Congress blights these first days of May as “Public Service Recognition Week (PSRW).” It is the “sense” of our senseless legislators that “public servants” – defined as “employees of the Federal Government and State and local governments and members of the uniformed services”—“should be commended for their dedication and continued service to the United States.” And so PSRW “provides an opportunity to recognize and promote the important contributions of public servants and honor the diverse men and women who meet the needs of the United States.” Yeah, such “important contributions” and “needs” as stealing proprietary info from Airbus, groping hunks at airports, and kidnapping sick children from their loving parents. No wonder Congress considers “public service … a noble calling involving a variety of challenging and rewarding professions,” while “Federal Government and State and local governments are responsive, innovative, and effective because of the outstanding work of public servants.” Remember that the next time you wait two hours at the DMV begging Our Rulers’ permission to drive a car you bought on roads you pay for.

And though you may assume that the private sector has made the USSA a “great and prosperous country,” the government knows better: “public service employees contribute significantly to that greatness and prosperity… the United States benefits daily from the knowledge and skills of the highly-trained individuals who work in public service.” Who knew? I’d have said they only leech off our money while devising new ways to enslave us.

Meanwhile, politicians who hog the limelight celebrate PSRW by throwing crumbs to behind-the-scenes bureaucrats. “Secretary of State John Kerry… issued a statement noting that ‘public servants aren’t thanked often enough.’ ‘I wish it were different. But we didn’t choose this course in life for the back slaps or the gold stars,’” bloviated the guy whose accomplices in crime have slapped his back and awarded him gold stars his entire worthless career. “’We do it because we care — because it’s a calling we can’t ignore,’ Kerry said.”

Don’t even pause to wipe your mouth after you finish retching. Rather, get out there and find a bureaucrat to kiss, because PSRW ends today, alas.

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7:20 am on May 9, 2015

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