No Room Whatsoever At the Inn

As Parson Goat tentatively, tremblingly unlocks the church’s doors, he’s embracing the “new normal” with a vengeance. Many of you have sent me the protocols, rules, and balderdash your particular Goat has inflicted on you now that his idol, government, permits corporate worship (albeit with 8,973,657 strings attached). As with the churches’ closings in March, these new strictures share an eerie uniformity across denominations and even the great divide of Catholic and Protestant. It’s as if a bureaucrat somewhere wrote a single plan and distributed it to every Goat in the country.

Suffice to say that between the anti-social distancing, required masks, and prohibitions on availing oneself of the lavatory, Livestreaming is actually looking better.

Most of the “guidelines” are grossly offensive; all are absurd. But several actively violate Scripture, including the de facto ban on visitors.

What?” you’re asking. “But aren’t churches always eager for unbelievers and seekers and the hurting and discouraged to join them?”

Not anymore.

Witness this extract from a “Pastoral Update” Clay Hamm forwarded (if your [I hope former] church has issued one, it’s no doubt identical):

As most of us know by now, Gov. Pritzker has lightened the restrictions on larger gatherings, which allows us to meet together for our Lord’s service.

Yo, Goat: you’ll never make it into Foxe’s Book of Martyrs at this rate. Maybe you should share your wisdom on awaiting authorization with Christians in China, North Korea, Iran, et al., so that they, too, can sell out and escape persecution.

The new guidelines allow for groups up to 100, but as we determine the safest and most efficient way to have services in our sanctuary, we’ll be limiting to 2 services this weekend with 75 worshipers at each, allowing us to have 150 in total.  

Notice the total lack of expectation or concern that visitors will clamor for admittance. 

Incredibly, it gets worse.

Therefore, we intend to have services at the following times this Sunday (06/7/20):

8:30 AM (seating only on pulpit side of sanctuary)

11:00 AM (seating only on organ side of sanctuary, and rear seats)…

And the coup de grace:

We are asking those who would like to attend worship to register for the service you will be attending here: https://www.signupgenius.com/go/4090B4BA5AF29A7FB6-divine

Forget about walking in off the street. Are you suicidal but turning into the church’s parking lot on an impulse? Scram, buddy: you didn’t pre-register. Down on your luck, Miss, and hoping for some Christian sympathy and comfort? Hey, the welfare office is just a couple blocks that way.

Obviously, these schemes for registration endanger members. The “Pastoral Letter” explains as if Parson Goat fears the nuts out there among his sheeple need soothing:

This way we can monitor the number of attendees. 

His attempt to placate didn’t work: Clay Hamm ejaculated, “’Monitor’? Odd choice of words. We fill out attendance cards each week, that is how we ‘monitor’ attendance. Or did you mean to say that this way someone else can monitor the number of attendees?

Indeed. And I bet his initials are U.S.

“Contact tracing” parishioners is horrific. But even more so, Parson Goat has now effectively banned hurting souls from partaking of the Gospel.

Imagine what our Lord thinks of such heresy.

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9:47 pm on June 6, 2020