But we are not getting one, so here’s what Joe would say if he could.
My fellow Americans and the world, how are you doing?
Let me begin. The union is unified, and unity is the name of the game. Unions, too. Bad people are out there, in the US where they still support Trump, and also in Syria and other places I can’t remember. I’m bombing them, they told me.
Those bombs, well, my security advisors are lying footsoldiers, the American people know this. C’mon. What were you expecting? I saw that I got Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize already, and that makes me feel pretty good for a small town country boy from…. where is that, Jill? You know the place. I don’t remember actually getting that Peace Prize, but I saw a picture of me getting it in the Babylon Bee.
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I want all Americans to know that you are suffering, I know that, you don’t have to tell me. My dogs are very old, and scruffy, and when I chase them I fall down. I’m suffering too, and Jill and I stand with you in the pain of the coming years. Jill especially, she stands with me a lot. What can we do about it?
I like Dr Fauci. He looks like a dog-faced pony soldier to me, but you all need to do what he says. I don’t understand most of what he says. He’s like me in that way. He’s also made himself very wealthy in his decades of government service. Let me give it to you straight, Fauci has done himself a solid on the backs of the American people, and you gotta admire that. I know I do. Stay masked, stay safe, stay six feet apart, get shot.
Trump is an asshole.
Oh, sorry, I meant to say that you all who love Trump so much need to get out of the way, and let us do our work. Here’s what is coming.
We got a thing. I have been signing many things, and some of it is just to roll back the clock on the last four years, what Hillary wanted. Look, I get it. I don’t like her either, I’m with Barack on this, she is the richest damn woman next to the Kennedy’s, and you’re trying to tell me she cares about income inequality? Here’s the deal, on the thing we are doing now, it’s money in your pocket. A lot of pockets, and it’s big. No one know how big it is. C’mon, man!
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There’s going to be a lot of equality in my administration, and my appointments are full of steers and queers… which one are you? [applause]. Like I have said before, transgender discrimination is the civil rights issue of our time. You can see what we are doing, and if the kids were in school, they would be seeing it too. I hope they come back to school. I used to like school, especially the pizza. And also taco day, that was good. You know the thing.
We are doing the green thing, going big. And that short lady, Janet, man, is she short! Funny haircut too, even Jill said so. But she is doing the green thing for me, she promised. It might be electric green, but the US National Bank of the World is going to make the money we need to do our things. Elon Musk knows. But I have some other guys who told me that Elon Musk doesn’t know everything. We are going to out-bitcoin the bitcoiners, and let me tell you, we are gonna take out that commie, Elon Musk. Who does he think he is!
Look, here’s the deal. Yes, China has helped my family out for years, but it’s just business. I don’t have a real job, none of us do. Right, Jill? So we trade with China, and yes, we will bomb China soon enough. Trust me on this. My advisors tell me China is a problem, and we need some new fighting machines to take them out. I like new machines. And we are getting rid of that eff’ing F-35! Getting some new stuff. Every president needs a legacy, some sooner than others.
But really, and I think you will all agree, Russia is ….. [looks off into space for 30 seconds] ….they are some arrogant sons of bitches over there, and I know arrogant. I have a bunch of people in our government now who are helping us all in accelerating the next big collapse of the Soviet Union. I mean the United States, we are bigger and we will fall harder. You know what I mean. Avril, Jake, Linda, Tony, Alejandro, Bruce, you know the deal. Yes, we are neoconservative society-reshaping warmongers, but we are the right kinds of society-reshaping warmongers. Jill agrees, President Harris agrees, Putin and Xi agree, and Netanyahu also agrees. We agree, shut up.
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If we wait for the danger to become clear, it could be too late. That’s what they tell me. It reminds me when I first smelled Jill, back in the day. She was hot for daddy, I can tell you that! What? Ouch! Well, you were. Read the book!
Well, folks, I’m here, standing up. The nation is still standing. I hope you all are doing OK, check’s in the mail, don’t spend it all in one place. Oh, and if we are bombing your country, know that our borders are open, and you are welcome here. After all, this is America. Be careful, be very careful.
I want to close by reminding everyone to do whatever I say, and talk about the CIA, because, well, you know the deal. Our new CIA director, Bill Burns, earned a great tweet from that lying dog-faced pony soldier John Brennan, who said, “Bill Burns is one of the most principled and respected national security professionals of our time. The CIA will be most fortunate to have him at the helm.”
It’s going to be all right, or else President Harris will have to drop even more bombs. Remember, the worst thing we can do as a nation is taking the easy way out. We are definitely not going to do that under my watch.
I want to share a small story from my life, and I think Jill remembers this too. When Nixon declared the war on cancer, he had no army. He had no tools. He had no anything, except good intentions. I have even less than that.
And look at me now! Jill, is there going to be chocolate chip ice cream today?
