Theme Park Bans Male Nudity. Finally, the Backlash Against 'Moobs' Begins

Good news for all those planning to visit Adventure Island in Southend this year: they’ve banned men from baring their chests. There’s no explicit ban on women doing the same, but the rule probably applies equally.

What a score for civilisation! Can we extend Adventure Island’s rules to the rest of the country? There are few things more unpleasant and offensive than the sight of a half nude Englishman. The problem is partly aesthetic: we are not a pretty breed. Some are wretchedly skinny; some red like a blood orange; others coated in a strange white hair like an aged coconut. Then there’s the beer belly, which makes its bearer look like a shaved ape (minus the intelligence). You might judge these observations as snobbish, but if someone’s decided randomly to disrobe in the middle of Lidls then they’re sort of inviting our judgement. Perhaps we should arm the public with numbered cards so that every time one of these primates lumbers past, we can hold them up à la Strictly Come Dancing. “I give Tyrone an 8. Nice hairy back and nipples like pepperoni. But the tattoo of Our Lady is soooo 2004.”

But isn’t there also an implicit violence in male semi-nudity? Not to get all angry-professor-of-women’s-studies-at-the-University-of-Sussex, but it’s hard not to see the proud display of man breasts as a statement of territorial ownership. Most people only go nearly-nude at home, so going nearly-nude in the street is like saying, “I own this street? Got a problem with that?”

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