Do you ever have one of those dreams where you are farting really loudly but you are thinking, “well, at least I’m not crapping in my pants” but then you realize it’s not a dream and you actually are farting in real life in bed and then you hear, to your horror, your spouse move even further to the other side of the bed?
Because it’s this very thing that makes me afraid of the dark. When the lights are out and I’m about to go to sleep. The day has died and there is nothing left to squeeze from it.
There”s just that fear.
Will I wake up farting.
If your spouse loves you she’ll think it’s “cute”. Or at least that’s what she will say. And then she will try really hard to forget it. I hope that’s true. I hope she thinks I’m cute.
Phew. Don’t worry. Here’s a worse fear. Don’t read further if you don’t want the truth.
Your doctor is going to kill you.
When you’re sick people say all the time, “oh, no problem, just go to the doctor”. Those “friends” who say that want you to die.
Here’s the sick truth. The truth about sickness.
– Alcohol Abuse. In a study done on the American College of Surgeons, 15% of male surgeons and 25% of female surgeons suffered from alcohol abuse and dependence. And a significant portion reported having errors during surgery in the prior three months because of this dependence.
I was at a dinner once and part of the topics being discussed in dinner was my opposition to sending kids to school. Someone who worked for Mayor Bloomberg asked me, “would you ever want to be operated on by someone who didn’t go to medical school” .
My answer is “yes”. If you want to be safe, it turns out, be operated on by someone who is male, who has children, and who specializes in operating on veterans. For some reason, these are the people least likely to be drunk while operating on you. I don’t know why.
– Malpractice. Johns Hopkins has done a bunch of studies on this. 98,000 people a year die from mistakes doctors make. Either a mistake in surgery or a mistake in a prescription or some other weird mistake. One study showed that if you randomly pull 100 medical charts, 40 will contain evidence of doctor errors.
– Fake medical degrees. At least 5000 doctors operating in the United States today have fake medical degrees. Don’t believe me? Google “buy a fake medical degree” and you can be operating within a matter of weeks in your basement.
And it makes perfect sense. Some “medical schools” located offshore have “virtual simulators”. You can practice surgery while sitting in your bathroom with your laptop!
– Doctors hate you and they hate their lives.
On average, one doctor a day kills himself. Despite what you hear about lawyers, doctors actually have the highest suicide rate according to the Journal of the American Medical Association.
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The suicide rate among female doctors is 2.3x the national average. When they cut open that body and see what we’re really made of they think: “this is just hopeless”.
– Doctors are obese. There’s nothing wrong with being obese. But it will kill you. And doctors know that.
Obesity causes everything from diabetes to heart attacks to strokes and is linked to early onset of Alzheimer’s. And yet, doctors have a death wish. 53% of doctors, despite knowing all of this, are obese. And you put yourself in their care.
Why should it matter if doctors are obese? In a sample of patients who are overweight, only 7% of the overweight doctors would diagnose their patients as overweight. As opposed to over 90% of the doctors who were not overweight.
– If you get sick right now, you’re screwed. In medical circles (trust me, I’m a doctor) it’s known as the “July Effect”.
Doctors go on vacation in July. So interns become residents and residents pretend to be the real doctors. Deaths from surgery and malpractice skyrocket in July. I hope you don’t get sick this month.
– Bad handwriting. You know how the doctor prescribes this weird thing to you and you think, “how can anyone read that” but for some reason you trust that your pharmacist has this supernatural power to read doctor’s handwriting? Well… he doesn’t.
Over 7000 deaths a year occur because the pharmacist couldn’t decipher the prescription and gave you an overdose of some weird chemotherapy pill instead of viagra.
Claudia asked me the other day if she thought I would die before her. I know the answer already. The answer is “no”. Because I never go to the doctor. She goes to various doctors throughout the year. So I’ve just eliminated the leading cause of death.
Now I’m going to get a fake medical degree. Because the next time someone asks me what I do for a living I’m going to tell them the simple truth:
“I save lives”.
Reprinted with permission from The Altucher Confidental