Who Makes Money on Wall Street?

Recently by James Altucher: Why Did Georgetown University Call Me Out?

I came up with an ultra-perfect top-secret method for beating the stock market. I saw it right there on the screen after thirty straight hours of computer programming. My heart was beating fast. I was sweating when I went to sleep. I could only sleep for about two or three hours and I had to get up and check my work. I added up all the money I was going to make. I would never work again!

It didn’t work.

Every day I get a message that sounds something like this. “Can you introduce me to Steve Cohen. I have something that will make him a lot of money.”

I don’t mean to sound arrogant and I certainly don’t want to piss off people who take the time to send me emails (usually they flatter me first and say, “I love your blog and can you give me [insert rich guy]’s personal cell phone number.”)

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Playing along I write back, “Why?” Like why would I give anyone’s email to someone I don’t know, for one thing.

Answer: “I have a method that beats the stock market.”

Usually it involves some moving average bullshit or there’s some new theory about commodities or whatever.

It’s all BS. NOTHING works. Let me repeat it a different way:

YOU ARE NO GOOD.

You’re not even a good person. You’re arrogant and rude. You smell.

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I know from personal experience. You’re smart, talented and yet you want to use those talents to do some hocus-pocus that you think will put you ahead of the other 5 million people who are trying to win in the markets: people a lot smarter than you are, a lot hungrier, have a lot more computers, have a lot more inside information, have teams of analysts, etc. I cannot believe how stupid you are.

Let me describe to you the ONLY people who make money on Wall Street (and note: I am very bullish on stocks in general). By the way, all of the below people will slit your throat in a dark alley. They don’t like you, they want you to die a painful and disgusting death and they want all of your money. So beat it, punk.

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People who hold forever. Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, etc. These are usually the founders of companies, who build their companies up, take them public and never sell their shares. Some people who try this have companies that fall apart and they make nothing. Some people who try it turn out to be multi-billionaires. If Bill Gates had sold his company in the early days instead of going public he would’ve made about $100 million or so. A good amount. But not the 50 or 60 billion he has today. Ditto for Buffett who was worth about $20 million in 1970 but didn’t sell a single share of Berkshire Hathaway stock during its climb from $6 to $100,000. (See, 8 Unusual Things I Learned From Warren Buffett).

So this presents an obvious way to make money on Wall Street. START A GOOD COMPANY that actually helps people. Then take it public and ride it forever. You’ll make money.